32F, my parents are still together but I’m aware of 2 affairs my mother had. Both lasted a few months. Due to unhappiness in the marriage. She told me numerous times that she never loved my father, but rather married him because he was a good man. He ended up successful. He is definitely quite a psychopath, so I’ve never seen my mother happy in love. She was always standoffish with him, never kissed him or hugged. They’re more like friends / partners than lovers.
To this day, I don’t know if he knew about her affairs. She said he cheated too, on business trips but I never found out.
Because of that I’m somehow thinking that I’m not a child that came from love.
Though I have been in love twice myself, I’ve recently been seeing a man who is solid and good. But I rather love than be loved, as I don’t want to end up cheating too.
Wonder if anyone with similar experiences?
11 comments
You’re 32, what did you conclude the last 200 times you had this convo?
I think anyone who experienced childhood trauma they haven’t resolved through therapy is going to have a hard time finding and maintaining a healthy relationship partner, sure.
your past only determines your future if you allow it to
All your information is based off of 50% of the story. A sexless relationship with a wife that cheats on you multiple times would drive any man bonkers. (Look no further than the Oscar’s)
My ex cheated with a different mistress during each of my pregnancies. Then he lied in court and said both our children were unplanned accidents.
I imagine that my kids are screwed and will end up pretty messed up with relationships. It sucks.
If you don’t want to be a cheater, don’t. It is that easy. You don’t trip and fall and commit adultery. Infidelity is voluntary abuse toward a spouse that is 100% avoidable. Unhappy? Leave.
The relationships around you can skew your view of relationships as an adult. It’s important to understand and resolve that. Cheating isn’t hereditary, it’s a choice.
>Because of that I’m somehow thinking that I’m not a child that came from love.
Quietly confident that I’m the product of an affair and my parents were never married let alone in a relationship.
My Mom was apparently married and divorced before she met my Dad. And my Dad wasn’t married at the time but got married shortly after to my Stepmom (who’s lovely, fyi).
What’s probably more impactful to your ability to enter/stay in relationships is a lack of healthy relationship role models. As much as my Mom’s always been single (and she was my primary carer) I do feel I’ve seen enough family friends with healthy relationships and also my Dad/Stepmom to the point that I have a pretty strong idea of what relationships require.
Only downside to my situation is that I do think I’m far more likely to exit unhealthy relationships. I’m already divorced (sans kids) but given my upbringing I don’t feel it necessary to have a nuclear family for children to grow up healthy. In fact, in my limited experience the greatest damage is when parents stay together but shouldn’t be.
While in therapy, it was both relieving and devastating to map out the history of trauma and abuse in my family. Trying to find a decent example/role model of a healthy relationship was near impossible. It has definitely had its impact.
However, that doesn’t mean you are doomed to the same mistakes of your family. History doesn’t have to repeat itself. You can break the cycle – but it takes insight and effort.
+1 for therapy. What I have learned in therapy is that you learn a whole lot from your “first family” and in particular your parent of the same gender. I don’t think you are destined to have relationship issues because of your upbringing, but it is clearly weighing in your mind.
You are not your parents. You are self aware of how your upbringing has/may impact your adult relationships. That is huge! I’m guessing this was not a level of insight your parents had.
I know everyone is all about therapy on this sub, but I think there is a good reason for that. It has helped me work through some stuff, better understand myself and live a better life.
‘…The circumstances of one’s birth are irrelevant. It is what you do with the gift of life that determines who you are. ‘ – Mewtwo, Pokemon: The First Movie
I will say it’s hard to sustain a relationship. You tend to look for r chaos because that has been the norm growing up.34 M in the same boat as you are, and despite some meeting some wonderful women in the past I have either deliberately broken them up or have found a reason to end things up because somewhere inside a long term association reminds me of my parents and a picture of unhappiness. I checked this with my sister and she felt the same about it….