So my girlfriend and I have been together for 3 months and have never had sex. While this isn’t the biggest issue ever for me, I still want it to happen.
The most confusing thing for me is that she speaks in a horny way all the time and she does say she wants to have sex. Even when I try to hold a normal conversation she sometimes makes it sexual.
Even in bed she makes sexual comments, but when I even get remotely close, she starts staking or she just says or screams “no”. But then a little while later, she tries to get me to “fuck” her again.
I give her enough love and I’m not forcing her to have sex with me, even when she says she wants to, I try to take it very slow. She has touched my dick before but she can’t do much more than that.
After having multiple conversations I can conclude that she really does want to have sex, but her body simply doesn’t allow her to. Here is my question: Does any of you have an experience similar to this? Or does any of you have tips for her to get more comfortable? Please let me know 🙂
10 comments
Time for therapy.
Seems like she had some bad experiences in the past. Even if not I still reccomend you to be supportive and just let her controll the pace. Flirt back, but let her take the steps she needs. Communicating and respecting boundaries are key.
Is she under therapy? Most probably looks like she’s not that’s why her intimacy life is so messed up. Is the PTSD from any sexual trauma? There would other likely signs of depression, social anxiety, eating disorder, inappropriate touching triggering her trauma.
She had some bad experience in the past and you need to go through that with her and support her.
You tell her that when she talks that way and sexy it can be confusing/ frustrating for you because of what happens if you try to initiate. You are allowed to ask her to stop saying/doing that, it isnt fair on you.
You need to tell her that you will never pressure her and she doesn’t have to have sex or talk sexy. And you should tell her that she is in control of sex, not you. Always ask if even the platonic and non sexual ways you touch her is okay, make sure to ask consent to do literally anything more than that.
No more trying to initiating even when she’s giving you signs. Its entirely up to her. If she wants something to happen, she has to do it and she is in control, and she guides the entire thing. You have to explain this to her so she doesn’t get confused. But its not getting you anywhere by being expectant. Again, “is this okay? Can I do this?” Even when she is guiding or controlling it.
**If she has problems with sex while wanting it, its her responsibility to deal with it and take control**
She needs therapy. She needs to be the one to do the things. You are just along for the ride if it happens, and dont care if it doesnt. Explain that part: *She needs to be the one to do the things. You are just along for the ride if it happens, and dont care if it doesnt*.
Words and sexy talk are not full consent with ptsd victims especially ones with SA trauma. They need to be enthusiastically engaged and initiate sometimes too.
Best you can do is pay therapy sessions for her and avoid intimacy until she figure things out
This goes deeper than her relationship with you. The only way she’ll be able to get beyond this (and thus btw be able to have sex) will be via some very deep professional therapy.
If she isn’t already in therapy with a REALLY good therapist, then she needs to start asap.
You can help by being as supportive as you can, and don’t pressure her in any way.
Best of luck to you both.
Ah I was like this for a while. My boyfriend at the time just took things crazy slow. We’d focus on what was ok with my brain, and if he started to push for more and I said stop, he would. Eventually the amount of things I could do grew.. and I was so confident he would stop, and so worked up by what we were doing that we just went for it. It took time though. I was also in therapy at the same time and doing things like yoga to work on some body issues.
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I know what this is like. I’ve had a lot of trauma from past relationships and stuff unrelated to dating, and it took me years to get used to it. You need to wait. It’s harsh to hear but you need to wait if you ever want it to happen. There are plenty of ways to be intimate without having sex. It’s a harsh truth but you need to accept it. Do you even know what happened to her in the past? You need to wait.
“I give her enough love” that doesn’t matter. It’s hard for her and if she’s like me, she feels guilty about it. You pushing her will make her feel more guilty, and that’s the last thing anyone here wants.