Seeking advice here, because my friends don’t want to hear about my dilemma. My husband and I are both 53 yrs old and have been faithfully married for 25 yrs. No children, by choice. I would prefer to get responses from subscribers to this sub who are in very similar situations, meaning, in very long term committed relationships. My sex life with my husband has been going down hill fast over the past 4 yrs. I desperately want to engage in ENM, but, my husband is not on board. I don’t find him sexually attractive and I’m afraid I was never truly physically attracted to him. I just settled. We are two very successful professionals in our fields of study. We live in Manhattan. He’s gained 80 lbs in the last 15 yrs, has taken to smoking again and developed erectile dysfunction, but he refuses to address any of these issues. I’m 5′ 5, 118 lbs and can proudly say wrinkle-free because I took extreme care of my skin and overall health. In short, I want to feel desired again and have passionate sex. I know my husband won’t change, but my need for intimacy isn’t being met. Divorce is not an option. It would be too complicated to explain here.
7 comments
Why don’t you try open relationship
Why divorce is not an option
It looks like you have taken care of yourself over the years. Now you have another area in your life that needs taken care of except you need help from another human. Husband is incapable of helping because he didn’t take care of himself. You may have to give him an ultimatum. He consents to you finding sexual satisfaction outside of the marriage or he steps up to the plate. If pressed he would have to make a choice. You can put it to him that you are going to find sexual pleasure, pleasure that you deserve, with or without him. Then let him decide for you. If he doesn’t step up then you know what to do. But make sure you are upfront if you set out to find a lover. Be ENM for yourself and let husband do his thing. It’s a fine line but in order to get what you want that may be what you have to do.
If ENM is not on the table. He needs to know you aren’t happy anymore.The Ed is an issue which may require counseling, thats a tough hurdle for man of any age, especially if his wife is a a hottie! IS he kinky at all? Maybe he likes to watch and you can engage in some cuck type play. Find out what turns him on today and work with that. Respect gets respect.
My wife and I have been married for 18 years and got in a bit of a sexual rut 3-4 years ago. I instigated a conversation and we discovered that we were both bored with the same old routine. Our marriage was great otherwise.
We took one of those online sex quizzes and learned some new things about each other that brought a new spark to our sex lives and it’s been evolving ever since.
What I’m getting at though is that it started with a lengthy non-confrontational conversation that helped us identify the issues and slowly work on them together. I also listen to a podcast called “Foreplay Radio” featuring two sex therapists that help a lot. I’m sure they have an episode or three that focus on situations like yours.
Your situation sounds different than mine, but you’re still going to need to start with a conversation before things get better. I wish you the best of luck.
You need to have an honest conversation with him. You have to make sure you emphasize that you love the man he is. He needs to feel secure and safe. An ultimatum is not going to get you anywhere. Tell him your physical and emotional needs for sex are not being met. Tell him you need to feel desired by him. Physical attraction is not always rippling abs. Are you guys taking time to have fun together. Can you do activities that you both enjoy that relieve stress, physical hobbies like boating or dancing? I would bring up the medical portion as well. Offer to go with him. 25 years is a long time to be with someone and it makes me think there must be a whole lot of good in the relationship to stick with it for so long. That’s why I think you need to approach with kindness. Best of luck! I’m 23 years married, lots of medical and personal struggles for us, and we’ve had to really put in time and effort to keep the magic alive.
I was in same situation and we both tried to find FWBs but she got jealous fast and it ended in friendly manner. If you don’t tend the fire, someone else will. He has to see that he needs to take care of you or you will eventually find someone who can.