Hello, this is more of a general question. I think it is often said that when you do genuine nice things for others, you shouldn’t expect things in return. Especially in a relationship, keeping a tally of nice gestures or gifts isn’t very healthy.
However, there must be a certain point in which this line is crossed right? In my relationship of 3 years, I have noticed that I have been planning every date, and initiating every romantic gesture, and giving all of the gifts in the past year. My boyfriend is wonderful and I have no reasons to doubt that he doesn’t love me, but it’s the fact that I’m realizing I do all of the nice things now. So I guess I’m wondering, how do I bring this up without making it seem like I do nice things for him with the expectation that it is returned?
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TLDR: When is it no longer acceptable to keep being the one doing nice things for the other party?
5 comments
Without necessarily mentioning the things you do for him maybe. Just tell him you would really appreciate it if he planned a nice date for you sometimes
Ask him to do something and see if he does it. Give him opportunities to meet your expectations- If he wants to, he will.
If he finds a reason not to, you can ask or share your side again, but more likely than not if the trend persists then he’s just not interested or going to do anything like that for you.
Either way.. You’ll have to decide what you want, and make that clear, potentially more than once, if you want anything to improve or change.
relationships should be give and take from both partners and each person should be putting in close to equal effort into the relationship. if there are areas you provide all of the energy and he provides none there might be other areas where he provides all of the energy and you provide none however i sense this is probably not the case. it would be fair to ask him to pick up some of the planning and maybe mention a token of thought once in a while wouldnt hurt either, its a way you know you are being thought of.
It is definitely important to communicate how you are feeling and give him an opportunity to recognize the pattern. Be open and communicate your feelings using “I” statements instead of “you” messages. Try and work for a compromise!
Have you ever taken the Love Language test? Maybe try taking that test together as a cute fun thing, and that may help you both realize how you express love.
My partner is very much like this, he just doesn’t get romance at all, his dad never took his mum out on dates he worked all the time and provided for his family, so he wasn’t shown just like he wasn’t shown how to do DIY projects like putting a shelf up (he can now after I taught him) he wasn’t close to his dad but very close to his mum and she was a nurse and child minder.
Now my partner is the most sweetest and kindest man I have ever met! If I am sick he will look after me, do my hot water bottle, hold me close and play with my hair. If I need support he’s there every single time. He listens and never judges me. If I am stressed he will run me baths, massage me, he even learned reflexology to help me with mt migraines and PCOS. When I finally figured out I had ADHD I didn’t even have to ask he just started to research and help me learn about it. He’s my best friend. When I told him about my trauma he listened and help me get therapy and listened to me go on and on and repeat myself.
I learned about love languages and we sat down and talked, he said he just doesn’t get romance what is romantic and what isn’t, then when he tried to book a meal out it turned out he booked the wrong restaurant and we couldn’t go (he waa ment to book the one 5 minutes away but somehow booked one 30 minutes away) so didn’t have time to get there. But he tried. He knows now when he goes out to the shop he gets me a little gift, something new to try.
My point is not every man is a flowers, dinner, booking a hotel full on romantic kind of guy and that’s okay, I would pick this man over any romantic guy. Yes I have to book and plan stuff but so what if that means I get a kind loving man.
He has tried to be romantic and still does try but he’ll never be that big romantic person and I’m okay with that because I rather a man who will protect and stand by me when I need him one day when I’m old and frail, I don’t need a bunch of flowers or a meal out I need my best friend 🥰
Aslong as he tries in his own little way then that’s all that matters. Have you tried talking to him about it?