I (29f) dated a guy (27m) for eight months who told me he was single and to this day will tell anyone who asks that he is single. I work with him and I know that he presents himself as available, but I recently found out that he had been in a serious relationship with the “ex”(24f) he had a baby with and convinced me AND MY FAMILY he was strictly coparenting with and that there was nothing between them. He went to such great lengths to fabricate this lie and beg me to trust him and to stay even though him juggling a baby with her was challenging. He told me he was in love with me, he told my mom he wanted me in his daughters life, he introduced me to one of his closest friends as his girlfriend, at work it was clear we were dating. He seemed entirely invested in me. We eventually broke up because he wanted to focus on his family ( his words were actually “my daughter” and “I only care about my daughter”) and during/after the breakup he did a 180 and was cold and mean and brutal and hurtful towards me.
Well I confronted the baby mama/girlfriend about four months later when I found evidence via her twitter posts (they’re dated) that they had always been together.
I expected her to be mad, but to my surprise she defended him and said she knows about me, she knows he’s sick in the head, I’m not the first girl he’s done this with and he didn’t love me and I needed to move on and stop ruining her family, im not more important than her and it meant nothing to him. I let her be angry while also telling her every little detail of our relationship so that she could know the extent to which he took things with me, because it sounds like she’d rather turn the other cheek and pretend the reality is not as bad as it really is. She attacked me (I expected, didn’t react) because I knew they had a child together and I knew they lived together so I should have known better (look he swore up and down and told my family he slept on the couch, my dad was the only one to tell me he’s definitely still hooking up with her , I already know I’m dumb for that one.)
But worse is that HE is accusing me of ruining their lives and trying to say that I took advantage of him at a weak time in his life and I was selfish and should have know. He’s telling me I’m playing the victim by not sharing responsibility and I’m just like FOR WHAT? because I knew they had a child together? He’s telling me I’m evil for destroying three lives and he refuses to accept this is the consequence of his actions. I’m just dumbfounded and shook.
She’s gonna stay with him and they’re gonna pretend to be a happy family cause they think that baby won’t pick up on forced love or the trauma between them and I feel bad for it. Both parents are delusional and selfish.
But now do you recover from the emptiness that comes from realizing your relationship with someone was a total facade and you were used and then discarded and clearly not as important as someone they talked so badly about?
TLDR; told my ex’s bm the truth and they both blame me for everything even though I was also blindsided and used by someone I thought loved me.
25 comments
He says this and she says this… Well, who gives a fuck about the opinion of two utter losers? Let them think whatever they want, it’s not going to affect you in the slightest.
As for how you get over it… Time is the best healer. You’ll get through it just fine. But the first step is to stop giving one single solitary shit about what he thinks of you.
Don’t blame her: You believed his lies, and she has a baby with him. She wants to believe, too. You learned a lesson here. Don’t get involved with men living with their baby mama and child. You are never going to win in this scenario.
I am so sorry you got caught in the middle of this, but now you know. She’s trying to protect her child.
Therapy. Be single for a while and focus on your life and your goals. You didn’t do anything wrong you just were bamboozled by a troubled guy.
Stop worrying or concerning yourself with her, she’s none of your concern. And neither is he. Let it go and move on.
End all contact with both of them. Block everything, everywhere.
Save your anger for him, not her. She might be treating you like shit right now, but she’s a victim as well. And because she’s decided to stick with him, she’s gonna keep on being a victim.
You just lock them out of your life entirely. They will bring nothing but drama and abuse.
Deal with your grief yourself. They will not be able to help you with it. Realize that people who really want to get away with lying and cheating, usually do. At least for a while. You acted as well as you could given the situation. Take comfort in your own choices, and let go of theirs.
If this really keeps haunting you, speak to a therapist, but in the end you can only take responsibility for yourself and it sounds to my like you made choices for yourself you can stand behind. Don’t let someone else’s betrayal make you less than who you are.
People always shift blame when they cannot accept their own bullshit. This is not your problem. He chose to cheat for 8 months on both of you. Block them both forever.
It’s difficult to realize you’ve been duped. You were betrayed and that hurts. It takes a while to heal from it. It changes your perception of people. Know that there are honest people in the world and dishonest people.
What did you learn from this experience? Take that lesson with you. You’ve gained some wisdom.
You can’t change how other people behave in the world. It’s frustrating. You can only accept.
Feel all of your emotions. They will be difficult. Exercise, take care of yourself, eat well, do kind things for yourself.
And be thankful these delusional people are out of your life. I’m sorry this happened to you.
You sound upset that she decided to stay with the loser.
I suggest some counseling for you. You were only with the guy for less than a year.
Was this your first relationship?
Take the L and move on. He liked playing house with the both of you because you were naive and she was insecure. They belong together at this point. He’s a whole bum. If she doesn’t care, you shouldn’t either.
Count yourself lucky that you’re not tied to him forever with a baby. She’s stuck with him and it will NOT get any better….
Not 100% accurate but a pretty similar thing happened to me. When I find out how to recover, I’ll let you know. It’s been 8 months since I found out about the facade and I do NOT trust ANYONE.
Forgive yourself for getting played, but you need to pick people with more class. This is low class drama. And you need to be a better judge of character. Have some standards for yourself.
Man. I’ve been in medical fields too long because I cannot read BM as ANYTHING besides bowel movement.
Yeah first off never Date a guy with a “baby mama” unless it’s been A WHILE since they broke up and they DO NOT live together. And even then don’t be surprised if he still fucks her. I’m too selfish for that shit I’m not gonna share a guy with a whole family on the side but it works for some. Block his ass and never look back.
Dude count your blessings, otherwise you would have been a baby mama to this guy’s offspring. To fuck with love, you dodged a sniper bullet here
Wow, I am so sorry, OP. He is an unbelievable asshole, and her reaction to the whole situation simultaneously heartbreaking and infuriating.
Ma’am don’t let a loser and his loser ass baby mama get to you. They deserve each other and you deserve better
Let those two have bitter lives trying to raise a kid when they can’t be honest enough with each other. Say a prayer for that poor baby.
You? BLOCK THEM AND CAST THEM AWAY.
Enjoy the fact you don’t have a kid with this manipulative asshole.
Let them say whatever they want. Get yourself a 🍹 margarita and enjoy that the universe has conspired to let you know how freaking messed up those 2 are.
Girl you were in love with a LIE. Those two are in love with playing sick games with people and they deserve each other. Sounds just like my ex who knocked up my best friend 21 years ago and has been stuck with that crazy b$3@: ever since. You dodged a bullet not having to deal with that level of crazy. Thank them both for showing you what was really going on behind the Wizards curtain and letting you get out now before you were even more invested than 8 months got you.
The day I found out my ex knocked my best friend up I found out I was pregnant as well. While I would love to be celebrating my daughters 21st birthday in a months time, miscarrying her was the only thing that kept me from being stuck with that abusive, lyin, cheating AH and his crazy psycho wife for the rest of my natural life. Trust me they did you a favor.
It is a horrible situation, and I’m sorry. From experience, I would encourage you to do a few things: 1) Cut all ties – ALL TIES – with them or anyone close to either of them. In real life or wocial media. 2) Surround yourself with good, fun, encouraging, supportive friends. Be open with them that you would appreciate them doing anything that will help encourage you and build you up.When you have to be near the unstable couple or their acquaintances, build a network who knows the situation who can protect you. Don’t bring more drama to the situation. The truth will come out to everyone sooner or later, but protect yourself and surround yourself with stability and support. 3) Invest time, energy, money in a hobby or interest that gives you energy and accomplishment. Reach for a goal or meet a big milestone. Something physical that will help you feel great in your body or something creative or cerebral that will help you have an outlet. Follow a dream pursuit and make it happen for yourself and to possibly help others. 4) Give yourself time. Do not seek romantic attention from other men for a while. Focus on what you want to improve or maintain in your life. Focus on building or rebuilding a fun friends squad, and focus on the values in a partner which will be important to you in the future. 5) Eat healthfully and exercise and spend a little time each day outdoors in fresh air and sunshine. 6) Make good quality rest a priority at night. Clean sheets. Shower beforehand. Cool temps. Loose clothing. Soothing music or sleep stories. Make good sleep a foundation for everything else. 7) Seek assistance from a counselor or pastor to work through some of these feelings you’re working through. Don’t put it off. Do it even if you think you don’t need it. Many companies have a set number of free confidential visits through an Employee Assistance Program, or you can have assistance through your medical insurance if you have it. There are other free resources through community agencies. Work through your feelings so you can get through and past the hard stuff now so that you will soon be ready to pursue something meaningful with a quality person.
This entire situation is likely not one ounce of a reflection of you – except that most of us might have firmer boundaries about where our significant others should not be sleeping in the same house as a recent ex. All of this is really due to a low-quality, immoral person who took advantage of someone who wanted to love him. Take the good from it that you feel you did well, reflect on what you might do differently in the future, and build on it for the next person who will appreciate you and love you like you should be loved.
You’re gonna have to learn how to trust again but it won’t be easy. Therapy helps. And also, whenever you do start dating again make sure they’re someone you can talk to about your experience without them putting you down. A supportive partner is how I got over my trust issues. I know a lot of people say that you should be ‘fixed’ before getting into a relationship, and while I slightly agree, I also think that sometimes it’s just not possible to be totally healed from trust issues without first getting into another relationship. My ex bf cheated on me and manipulated me a lot, and the only way I got over it was by having a supportive and helpful new bf who was patient and always offered reassurance. I also went to therapy at the same time I started dating again so that my therapist could help me maneuver a new and healthy relationship bc while I did seek comfort and reassurance in my new partner, I didn’t want to be constantly bombarding him with my insecurities. So I suggest getting a therapist once you start dating again so that the therapist can help you figure out what’s real and what facades your insecurities are creating.
Yikes I’m sorry this happened to you no one deserves that. This is why I recommend that people who don’t have children to never get together with someone who already has kids. I know it might sound cruel but there is always some kind of baggage. Especially if there’s a failed relationship or in this case a secret one.
Tbh it sounds like you lucked out this guy is a wack job. He played you and now he wants to turn it around and act like the victim. All while avoiding any and all responsibility for the matter. Mean while his BM is just accepting all of this. Shit is wild to say the least but thank god you got out of there!
I would move on and leave that shit show in the past where it belongs. Don’t contact them again if they proceed to contact you just block them and get on with your life. There is definitely something better for you in the future. And my personal advice next time don’t go for a guy that already has kids.
Without child involved, I went through the exact same thing that just ended a week ago. Had a relationship with a guy (I’m 31 f he’s 32 m) and we were long distance. Invested so much he was paying apart of my rent because he planned to move here. Never did. Kept lying about hooking up with another ex. But triangulating didn’t work out well for him so eventually me and the other girl spoke. However we were not mad at each other, just sore that we both were douped into his dumbassery more than once. And of course, same, he told us “you ruined my life.” Now me and said other ex keep in contact and try to talk about positive stuff now.
It’s not easy getting over. But don’t ever let that phrase “you ruined my life” get to you. You know obviously that you didn’t. You are being the bigger person by moving on gracefully and just understanding that their situation (shittuation I should say) is pitiful and probably always will be.
Be nicer to yourself. They aren’t worth another thought. They are convincing themselves of something to work it out, best to leave them to it. Some people are just straight up toxic and it’s always better when they show themselves out. It’s literally the best case scenario, even if it feels sucky bc your emotions got played or time got wasted
Do things that bring you joy, spend time on yourself and build relationships that involve respect, kindness and honesty. Watch for those red flags and listen to your gut
In all honesty he did you a favour. The guy is an absolute freak and his partner is a schmuck for staying with him.
The fact that he’s blaming you for this shows that you haven’t dodged a bullet, you’ve dodged an intercontinental ballistic missile. Be glad he’s out of your life.
You can’t beat yourself up over this. How were you to know what would happen? He didn’t tell you upfront that he was already in a relationship. You can only go off the information that he provided to you so acting like you were an idiot for falling for his lies is pretty silly and not constructive as it will only ensure that you feel worse about things for longer. Just accept what happened, block their contact and move on with your life.
There are normal people out there to date I assure you.
Take it from someone with experience, you will be fine and you will be happy. It took me a while to get over what happened but now, I am the happiest I have ever been.
They deserve each other and deserve to be miserable together. Don’t give them another thought