My (28F) boyfriend (30M) and I have been together for a year now. This is around the time I thought we’d be moving in together but his current lease is up in August and he informed me that he wants to sign another lease somewhere else with his roommate because he doesn’t feel ready to move in yet. When we started talking about the timing of things and the pace he preferred to move at, it was working out to be that a year from when his new lease ends, we’d move in together, a year after that we’d get engaged, and a year after that we’d get married. I told him that I am not willing to wait four+ years to get married and I’m already not loving the idea of waiting 2.5 years to move in together, because if we’re not compatible housemates, that’s something I’d rather know sooner rather than later. When I told him I would not stick around for 4+ years without being married, he accused me of giving him an ultimatum, basically saying that unless we move at my pace, I would be leaving. I feel like telling him my needs around timing is allowing him to make an informed decision about what’s realistic for both of us and our expectations. Am I being ridiculous or unfair? What is the difference between an ultimatum and just creating clear expectations with a partner? Is it too soon to even be having these kinds of conversations?
TL;DR – My boyfriend is accusing me of giving him an ultimatum because I told him I’m not willing to wait four years to get married. Is it an ultimatum and am I being unreasonable?
6 comments
He’s 30, it’ll be good to issues him some ultimatums so he understand the pace that people his age expect. A year of adult dating? That’s a long ass time and he should be more than capable of moving in for a trial run.
Ultimatums aren’t inherently bad. If it’s a hard boundary, it’s a hard boundary, and it’s fine to be honest about that. You are letting him know you have deal breakers. If he’s not comfortable with your deal breakers, then you are wrong for each other. It is not too soon to be having this conversation if you two are fundamentally incompatible – better to find out sooner rather than later.
That doesn’t sound like an ultimatum, it sounds like boundaries.
Ultimatums aren’t a bad thing, so I don’t see the point of arguing if it is or isn’t. I’d say you informed him and it’s an ultimatum, you aren’t compatible if he isn’t ready to progress in a relationship. You’re perfectly reasonable.
The caveat is you do have to follow through and leave him if you’re incompatible. Otherwise it’s just manipulation.
You want change and he doesn’t. You’re not being unreasonable. Neither is he except for trying to shut you down by calling this an ultimatum. Just because it is doesn’t mean it’s unfair to him.
Relationships don’t always work. If there’s not a agreement on the end goal and the timeline, one person waits for the other. You can’t get that time back. This isn’t a defined plan or a sympathetic life circumstance. He just doesn’t want commitment beyond what you have now.
Your choice on whether to wait him out. If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.
I feel like it’s a bit ridiculous to put such a strict timetable on a relationship, and demand that milestones be met, like it’s a work project. But if everyone else agrees that it’s normal/ healthy, I’m probably wrong.