I (29F) learned early on in my dating life that, if I wanted to have a relationship, I had to initiate. I’ve had a few relationships that varied in length (months to years) but they all shared a common thread- I initiated. Recently, I’ve hit a wall. In this year alone, I’ve been on four dates where, halfway into the date, the other person will admit they “don’t actually know what they want”. I even had someone apologize to me 15 minutes into drinks for agreeing to a date when they didn’t know how they felt towards dating me let alone dating at all. I wish this was an exaggeration.
I prefer to be direct, even when it results in an apology from the other person because they realize they aren’t ready. In my mind, this saves me time and energy in down the road. For context, when I say “I prefer to be direct” I mean I will read the room and engage accordingly. For example, I am very clear about my dating intentions and what I want at the jump. If the date is going well, I initiate the flirting. If I feel like the other person is engaged and reciprocating but maybe a little shy, I will ask to kiss them or ask them to kiss me. I don’t hide my intentions and if I like the other person, I will literally say “I like you and want to see more of you”. But, I’m finding the dating process to be a little disheartening and I can see that I am slowly becoming more and more bitter. I’m not blind to the fact that, in our world where we have apps to matchmake, people are less likely to put forth effort knowing there are plenty of other options. However, it feels like I can’t even give the love away.
My question is this: do you actually want to date someone who is direct? Does it scare you when a woman knows what she wants and isn’t afraid to say it out loud? I’m not looking to judge anyone on their preferences- I simply want to understand if my demeanor is off-putting to others.
6 comments
You just had bad luck. Wish I found women like you IRL, tbh.
It is good to be clear about what you want. But maybe try to be direct on your long term goals instead of the heated ones, if you have some.
If someone would act this direct to myself on the first date without saying to me what their long term goal is, I would think they just want a one night stand. There are men who can handle this well but many are just not sure where this is going.
>they “don’t actually know what they want”.
That’s a bit disingenuous. Yes, they know what they want. No, it’s not you. But it would be rude of them to say. So they drop some ambiguous excuse and discreetly bow out. You’ve only had 4 dates in 10 months? A conventional beauty on any OLD app will easily be able to filter through candidates to date at least once a week. You need to date more often and with more variety of guys, that may mean stretching out with more guys that you may initially feel is incompatible. But 4 dates in almost a year is a pretty small pool to draw from when saying something like, “I can’t even give the love away.”
Personally I (25F) have very little tolerance for uncertainty in dating. It stresses me out, so I am direct as well: to get certainty, as soon as possible
Why? I strongly dislike investing in an emotional connection that ends up being severed later on (hurting me in the process). This is due to some personal attachment issues, which I recognise and am working on. I am constantly vigilant for incompatibilities, so I can pull the plug before I get too attached.
Lots of people find this controlling, neurotic, too intense and a huge turn-off. But I know from personal experience that I am simply not comfortable with the stereotypical laid-back “we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it” “don’t over think it” “let’s not define things” style of dating.
Its important its reciprocal, that’s really all that matters. As another woman, I don’t see this as a problem as long as your respectful about it.
I would love to date someone direct, but I am a direct 32F which means you and I are having the same struggles. Stay strong, sisters. Men are the worst.