I F(22) and my boyfriend M(21) have been together almost a year. Me and him have been doing okay up until August, he started seeing one of his “friends” F(21) but the thing is she used to be his first love in high school. They never officially dated because it never worked out but he still very much close to her.
In August, I was at a family party and he went out with his friends and she came along with, later to find out that night I see a snap story he posted of her leaning/hugging on him. He says she was just drunk trying to catch herself, but they were sitting down. From this point, I was upset and suspicious, because even though they never officially “dated” the last time he saw her was about a year ago and they unexpectedly met up in Hawaii. They had a little fling over there and they had Intercourse and other things, basically on a trip together. So, when I saw him post that, it made me very upset because me and him are together and I feel like that’s just a boundary you don’t cross with “friends”. I asked him why she didn’t stop herself from getting too comfortable like that, and he said she’s just always been like that all of their friendship since high school and she didn’t really know of me until after that night. From there, I got upset with him bc we had already been together almost 10 months and not once did he mention me to her.
A week after that post, it took me a couple days to even talk to him again because I was just so upset, he told me me he would cut her off because he didn’t want to lose me. Couple days later he says he doesn’t want to ruin a 10+ year friendship either so she wanted to fix it with her. The week after he posted that snap story, he went to go talk it out and apologize to her because he felt rude to just cut her off that way. Which I feel like was a slap to my face because I was still hurt from what I saw, seeing his ex lover just lean on him like that. They went out for food at a bar after 11pm to talk it out, because supposedly she had just got off work. I asked him it was ok to talk to her, but I preferred it was like a coffee date or something because it just doesn’t look right for two people to be out alone after 11pm at a bar. They were only there together for about 45 mins until some of his friends showed up and they all collaborated groups. So it was him, her, and his friends, but they were out til 3 in the morning drinking. Which frustrated me because I was still iffy about the situation.
Now, up to this day I still get upset when he talks about her. He says I have nothing to worry about and that it’s just his friend, he doesn’t see her like that anymore. I told him okay,I’ll try to trust you but I asked him just give it some time and distance so that I can see that it’s not like that. I also asked him to establish boundaries with her so that she doesn’t do that again, which he says he did. With time, I’ll notice that he actually loves me and not her. Well, since august I feel like he hasn’t really been doing that. He saw her almost every other weekend after that, (some times were planned and other times they just ran into each other). Every time he talks about her or see’s her, all I can think about is the time she was hugging up on him and I can’t just help and thing about the past they had, and all the intimate times they shared in Hawaii.
Now when I get quiet or sad in front of him whenever he talks about her, he says that I’m letting her win, because at the end of the day he’s with me and not her, and they didn’t work out for a reason. And me as a person, have never really been insecure because of any other girl, most of his friends are girls and I have no issue with that because I know there’s nothing there between them. But this one is just a little different because it was his first love in high school and even when they didn’t work out they “promised” each other they would still be friends if either one of them got into a relationship. But, it seems like she has access to him more than me, he listens to whatever she says and what she wants, but I tell him I’m uncomfortable about something (like this situation) and says I’m being dramatic. But she can get him to apologize, to hang out with her, she goes to him for the smallest things, knowing that she had plenty more friends that she can go to, but decides to go with him. She also gets irritated with him about things that shouldn’t be a big deal to her, like what he’s doing in his life, she hates when he talks about his ex, she always feels like she’s the one that needs to care for him. She cried once when he didn’t reply for a day. It’s like things that I can get irritated with him too (but I’m his gf so it’s different). She’s always touchy with him and has to be by his side at all times. And it bugs me because he posts her and all and not once have I got posted in these past 9 months. He always checks her location, has her pinned (I’m under her) , helps her make big decisions like buying a car, and he just always have to check up on her and has to care for her, knowing she has more people in her life that isn’t just him. He told me that when he goes out with her, most people think they’re a couple and that bothers me because I feel like that should be me.
I could really use some advice, I feel like he doesn’t respect how I feel, or the situation, I understand it’s his friend and he knew her first, but they did have a past and have gotten intimate with each other. He’s always talking about how successful she is and that she has her masters degree and that she’s rich, and that his homeboys are all falling in love with her. But when he says stuff like that I feel like he’s making her seem like the best thing in the world. And then I feel put down even thoughtI shouldn’t be, because I have my Bachelors degree too and I know what I bring to the table in a relationship, but he makes her seem like she’s super special and everybody wants her. Makes me sad because I’ve been with him through his worst these past 6 months, but she just popped up again in August and it feels like she has all his attention.
TL;DR : My boyfriend M(21) still talks and is close to his first love/ “friend” F(21)
23 comments
Break up with him. He’s not over her, she’s not over him. The two of them will always be emotionally connected in a way that is disrespectful of a relationship until they grow up and realize what they’re doing.
The problem is that you can’t tell someone who they can have in their life. We all have to admit that. However, if someone is in a relationship, they also need to be respectful of that relationship and not do things that they know will upset their partner.
Going to talk to her at 11pm at a bar was either intentional or monumentally clueless and I’m betting on the first one. He wants that emotional connection with her. He wants her to be at the periphery of his life. He wants her available and he isn’t concerned with how it impacts the person he is dating.
There is no “winning” against her right now. There can’t be until he finally gets over her and I don’t think he has any intention of doing that. The only solution is to break up with him and let him be with her the way he wants to be.
So truthfully I read the first half and really just thought you should hear this. My boyfriend does not stay close to people that still have feelings for him even if they have a 10+ year friendship. He removes anyone that even suggests they like him or if they seem to want to ruin our relationship.
Leave him. Dont stress over his bs.
Stop being a placeholder. He’s keeping you around til he gets out of her friend zone.
Have you confronted her? If she were “just a friend” she would make it a point to set boundaries out of respect for her friend’s relationship. The fact that when they are out together people think they are a couple tells me neither of them put enough distance between and don’t do enough to make it clear that they are just friends. That is intentional. Ask you BF why at the time of the snap she didn’t know about you, yet you were together at least 9 or 10 months at that point. If they aren’t sleeping together the entire time they will be. If it’s not PA it’s at the very least an EA. How does she act around you? Has she apologized for the snap ? Does she have a boyfriend? If she does talk to him.
My ex of three years ended up cheating on me with her close friend from highschool that she said she had no attraction towards.
She used the same excuses that your bf is using. Refused to set boundaries. I decided to leave for a weekend on one premise that he wouldn’t come over and as soon as I left, he was over there.
I’d cut ties. You’re still young, no reason to waste time on someone that doesn’t respect you enough to understand that you don’t like this one individual around them.
this is bad news, you should cut your losses. he’s treating you like second place to her.
Honestly if he loved you it would be easy to put boundaries in place and not see her as much.
Ask him to put himself in your position. You’re still close friends with your first love, who you see regularly, who’s really like touchy, who you post and see how he feels about it. If he says it wouldn’t bother him he’s lying, because unless you’re poly/in open relationships most people would not be okay with this
I think you need to kick him to the kerb because he’s not putting you above her.
I feel like your priorities are all screwed up here. You’re focused on this girl as an enemy rather than your boyfriend who is the ACTUAL problem here.
You’re fixated on her hugging him, but not the fact that he hid the relationship for 10 months. You say she has access to him more than you, or that he listens to whatever she says or wants, but in a way that feels like you’re somehow implying she’s got some voodoo magic over him. He WANTS to see her and be around her. He DOESNT want to put up boundaries. I mean christ if she didn’t know you were dating for 10 months, do you really think she has any clue what your boundaries are?
This girl is not the problem. The problem is your boyfriend has chosen this friendship over your relationship. You cannot strong-arm him to change his mind – it isn’t fair to either of you.
If he wants to be close friends with her, he has that right. But you have a right to be comfortable and he’s being an absolute tool for putting basically 0 effort in helping you feel secure.
Cut your losses. This isn’t worth the drama
Has he brought you to meet her? Why aren’t you going on these outings with him and his friends?
I mean, it’s fairly clear from what you’ve written that he wants his cake and to eat it. But you have to set boundaries with him and reinforce them. He’s being dismissive of you “you’re letting her win”? What? No. He’s still got feelings for her and at the very least is emotionally cheating on you. You need to sit him down and tell him to either choose your relationship or lose it. He can’t have you while treating another girl like his gf.
Either he sets and reinforces boundaries with her and distances himself from her, or you break up and let him have her, because he’s demonstrated a clear lack of respect for you and your relationship.
You deserve someone who loves you. Not just when you’ve hit your breaking point, but all the time. You deserve someone who respects you. You deserve someone who wants to be with you. Who chooses you.
You’re not “letting her win”, *he’s* letting her push her weight into your relationship and he’s being insensitive about it. It sounds like shortly before you guys got together is when they had their fling. It is not insane to feel uncomfortable with them getting all cozyed up with each other when they just had a thing maybe a year ago. Just ask him how he’d feel if you started hanging out, drinking every weekend, hanging in the arm of someone you use to date, if he’d be all cool with that (short answer in my experience, they hate that idea, but will attempt to convince you it’s different. It’s not).
People *can* be friends with whoever they want, that doesn’t mean you have to put up with it if it’s making you uncomfortable. From reading this, he seems immature and frankly, his actions seem like a red flag you shouldn’t ignore. Cut your losses. If this girl coming back into the picture immediately caused him to pull his focus from his actual relationship and it’s only been 10 months, that doesn’t bode well for the future. The first year should be easy. Don’t let this dude convince you that it’s just in your head. He’s trying to blur your boundaries and your boundaries of “hey, can you not spend so much time clinging onto the lady you use to fuck literally just last year” are not too much to ask.
Edit: Op, do you have any confirmation that she actually knows about you? Have you talked or met up with her?
I agree with the others in the replies. Clearly, he still has feelings for this girl. You should get out of it before you’re forced out of it because that’s where it looks like it’s headed. You’ll see you made the right choice. I hate to say it, but you may find that they start dating not too long after you leave him. It’s hard to hear I’m sure, but I thought you should know.
Bottom Line: Being he is IN a relationship with You, It is inappropriate what he is doing with her. It is like they were a couple and you are a friend here. It appears the family still mixes and mingles and his feelings for her never dissolved. So obvious. I am wondering how you FIT IN to this strange JIGGLY SAW Puzzle? Since August? It has been going on for over ten Years, You are just NOW getting stuck in it for A LIFETIME of Hell. She ain’t going nowhere.
She has won, let’s be real. She still has her boyfriend, her toy. It may not be hers but she treats him like her boyfriend and he lets her. My ex boyfriend had a girl like this. Knew this girl since elementary school, they hung out, tried to date in middle school but it was too weird, had a one night stand after high school graduation, said that he regretted it and she said the same, we were together for about 2 yrs at that point. I had known her through our relationship till she was just giving me problems. For no reason. WELL I found he started cheating on me with her about that time becuz she KNEW she won becuz she got him to cheat on me. She thought she could just treat me like that. She got cut off a few hrs after I told him I’d drop him and leave him over this becuz he had gone too far. It doesn’t sound like your boyfriends friend is like that but I didn’t think my ex’s friend was like that either. I hope you don’t go through the same thing but I’d cut my loses now with everything you’ve said in your post
It feels different to his other female friends because it is different. You already know.
NGL, I read the first paragraph and a half but am confident in advising you to ditch this dude. Even IF he has no residual feelings…it means that he’s a huge pushover/wants everyone to like him/far too rooted in nostalgia and will likely remain this way indefinitely. You’re too classy for him and have your entire life ahead of you, screw him and move on
I don’t usually advise people to give ultimatums in relationships but I feel like it is 100% necessary in this instance. You need to flat out tell him that if he doesn’t set and maintain firm boundaries with this girl, he needs to completely cut her out of his life. Otherwise you’ll break up with him. Tell him it isn’t fair for you to have to feel like “the other woman” and ask him how he would feel if your high school crush/first love was hanging out with you a ton and you were hanging off of him on social media. If he says he wouldn’t care, find a guy friend and go out for drinks at night with him and post some pictures together on social media. If he still doesn’t care when he sees/hears about that, you need to break up with him. He’s already moved on with the other girl.
I was ambivalent until I noticed that he said you’re “letting her win.”
Wha? What does THAT mean? Is he saying there’s a competition? Is he saying that she IS trying to get with him, and you should be competing?
Everything that he says – saying everyone thinks they’re a couple, how hot she is, how “all his friends are in love with her”… this is some real serious manipulation imho. He’s either into the idea of being fought over, or he’s trying to make you feel bad about yourself, to make you easier to manipulate.
Maybe that’s harsh, but there’s just too much bad behavior from him, and a refusal to make any changes to make you feel better
He would rather have her comfortable and you uncomfortable, and your still with him? Gurl bye.
My 16 year old’s best friend is a girl. If either if them is in a relationship they two of them won’t hang out alone out of respect for their partners. There’s something wrong when a 16 year old has this worked out but a 21 year old can’t.
Him not respecting your feelings is a huge red flag. Set some boundaries of what is acceptable and do not accept him breaking those boundaries. Be prepared to walk because if he can’t respect your legitimate feelings there really isn’t much hope. Sorry
Their relationship whatever it may be is inappropriate. They should not be spending nearly any time together or talking as much as they do. It sounds like he thinks your naive and is just taking advantage of the situation. If he really cared about you he would listen and do as you ask. Being in a relationship doesn’t mean you get to do whatever you want. It sounds like he doesn’t really respect you at all. I went through something similar once and I broke it off once I realized that I would never be able to accept it. It’s not a problem for him obviously but who cares. It’s a problem for you and if he’s unwilling to do things differently you are better off without him.
“he posts her and all and not once have I got posted in these past 9 months. He always checks her location, has her pinned (I’m under her)”
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Unfortunately, he’s prioritizing his feelings for her and I think he’s trying to manipulate you and guilt you into accepting it. I’m sorry, but after reading your post I don’t think he loves you at all. He’s constantly disrespecting you and you should not let him do that. I think you should break up as soon as possible.
My best friend of ten years was my first boyfriend. I love him like a brother, and we are very very different people now. There isn’t a shred of romance left, just a deep and abiding friendship.
So, from that perspective, I’ll let you know, your boyfriend is acting shady with this girl. It’s not that he wants to be friends with an ex. It is that she is territorial and he lets her stake claim and caters more to her feelings than yours.
You asked him to make space with her out of respect, he goes for a late night dinner date with her? He lies about contact? He gets mad at you for obvious concerns?
Sorry hun you are a placeholder to him. She is happy to string him along without actually dating him but still wants to feel first in his affections.
You lose nothing by getting rid of a guy who won’t put you first because he’s no prize. Leave them to it.