Partner is too giving??

16 comments

1. I aspire to be this man

2. You would be surprised with how happy it can make a guy to get his girl off real good…. Source: I’m like this.

   It doesn’t make us think anything bad about you, we just have a different idea of having a good time.

3. I have a similar mindset to what he has, and don’t really have any good advice for you. When you are a giver, it can make it awkward or even a little uncomfortable to be the receiver, be selfish, etc. I know it is easier said than done, but believe what he is saying when he gets his enjoyment by giving you pleasure. Show some enthusiasm, let him know what you are looking forward to, etc., and that will drive him wild, get him worked up, and mean more to him than about anything else.

4. I will first address your point about wanting to make him feel good. You clearly feel that you aren’t currently, but think back to your past relationships – didn’t it feel good to get your partners off? I bet it did, which is why you enjoy it so much. Clearly you have found a partner who has the same mindset as you – so by getting you off, he IS enjoying sex, so put THAT worry to rest.

   Secondly, you say you have the higher sex drive so you feel like you are burdening him with your desire. I am the low libido spouse in my marriage, so I will quote my wife here “welcome to being the high libido one”. The fact is that any relationship requires compromise, even with frequency of sex – my wife and I aim to split the difference; less than she will want on average, more than I would want ideally, but both of us are making enough of an effort to meet the other’s needs without compromising our own too much – she could do 5 times a week, for me 1-2 is perfect, so we aim to average 3 times. Yes, she knows that on average, once a week, I’d ideally NOT want to have sex, but I do it because I know it’s important to her and likewise, I know she’d want more, but she doesn’t push me for more as it’ll overwhelm me.

   It sounds like you are trying so hard to be “perfect” for him, so you can be worthy of him since you view him so highly – hence the wanting to fully please him in bed, worrying about burdening him with your desires etc. He is simply a person, and you are also a person. If he has not yet said “you know, you always want sex, can we slow down a bit there please?” then he’s not feeling burdened. Stop trying to find problems where there aren’t any.

   THAT SAID, it sounds like so far, the majority of your sex has been satisfying HIS needs to give. Good sex involved BOTH parties giving AND receiving. On this subject, this warrants a conversation – you both need to exercise your receiving muscles so you can both enjoy giving, so on for this, you should have a talk with him, just don’t come at it like he’s inadequate or anything, make it that if he could let you give a bit, it would make things even better.

5. Old saying – if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Let the relationship play out and see where it goes before you scare him off. EDIT: He obviously is happy with the status quo and you should be as well. Could be that two givers in hetero are similar to two tops or bottoms in gay sex – they find a way to make it work for each other?

6. You’re making him happy. For him, apparently it can’t get any better. Enjoy it, you’re in a rare place for your age.

7. Your problem isn’t stupid. You’re a good person who wants to make her partner feel as good and do for him as much as he does for you because you cherish him and want to make him happy.
   That’s fucking BEAUTIFUL and so rare to find in this life. Both of you are fortunate to have each other.

   That said, I doubt he sees this or you as a burden. You still put in an effort for him consistently, I’m sure he notices that. Just be observant for if anything in his body language or experience really excites him and communicate if he’d like to do that more. Paying attention goes a long way here.

8. What’s funny is that you both have the same tendencies and that’s what’s causing the issue, you are both used to giving rather than receiving pleasure. It almost always comes back to your childhood, you likely had to be independent growing up, maybe were ignored, maybe had a harsh parent that you had to please above yourself. He had a similar experience and now you guys are both doing that, it makes BOTH of you uncomfortable to receive pleasure because you are more comfortable giving it. There’s a great book called The Art of Receiving and Giving that is all about the spectrum of this phenomena and has great exercises to help become more comfortable getting pleasure.

9. Agree with everyone here, maybe suggest to him something like ‘it would be really hot for me if I or you let me (insert sex act here) to you’ etc…

10. Just a thought and could be off the mark but your boyfriend is like myself is a giver and it is true like everyone has said he’s loving it if you’re loving it.

    Communication is the biggest part of sex. As an example and I’m going to be a explicit just to get the point across. If he’s going down on you and you want to return the favour. Something like come here and fuck my face is a good way for you to take control of the pleasure giving but also in the same way he still feels like he’s giving you exactly what you want.

11. Yeah I have the same feeling with my gf. She puts everything on the table, very enthusaiastic and can’t realy ask anything she won’t do. I’m not sure how to return this to her and makes me feel a little uncomfortable. She’d deserve to be treated just as she treats me but I’m not sure how. And, yes, we talked about this, but she says she’s getting way enough pleasure from me too.

12. Tell him you want to take a night to focus on him. Put on something sexy when he comes over, under your clothes. Cook him dinner, get a good bottle of wine, then say you have to go to the bathroom and then text him from the bedroom. Tie his arms to the bedpost, blindfold him, and blow him.

    I know this works because I’m a giver and it drove my gf nuts. Ever-adaptable, she found a way I couldn’t refuse and make it all about her pleasure. Bon appetite!

13. He sounds like a pleasure dom

14. My last boyfriend preferred penetration and cunnilingus over blowjobs. That’s just how some people are and you can’t force them to enjoy some activities more.

15. I’m a guy like this. I can’t speak for him, but we get validation and self-esteem out of doing nice things for others. I’m not saying that’s healthy, but it is a thing. Also, with some exceptions, it’s not hard for a guy to cum. I’ve never wanted to brag about having an orgasm. But getting a woman off, being the best she’s ever had, seeing her pass out in a sex coma or struggle to walk, seeing her brag to her friends about it, THAT is pure gold.

    My suggestion: See if he would let you tie him up. You can make it as romantic or raunchy as fits your vibe. It doesn’t have to be super BDSM if you’re not into that. Just enough to make him helpless (with consent and boundaries and communication) and force him to focus on nothing but how beautiful and sexy you are, and how much you can tease and pleasure him. If it would be helpful, use that time to observe his response. What he reacts strongly to, what he doesn’t like as much. You can use that in the future to push his buttons (in a good way). Give him compliments and tell him how much he means to you and how much he satisfies you and how you’re so ready to return the favor.

16. As a guy I understand where your fellow is coming from here. I love giving lavish oral, playing with toys, and relish in the unending string of orgasms that brings. And I prefer PIV sex to blowjobs – odd, but those never really enthralled me as it seems it does for most guys. Selfish doesn’t appear to be part of his make up, so rather than taking that approach you might have an honest conversation about what you really like as part of sex, which is really the bigger point here. The issue basically is that neither of you are inclined to be passive, you both want to be givers and he’s forcing his desire over yours. It might be better to tell him flat out that a big part of sexual satisfaction for you is actively giving pleasure to your partner, just like it appears to be for him. And while you’ve allowed him to take the lead and very much enjoy his attention, the fact that you can’t spend time giving him oral or otherwise making the focus on him is frustrating and leaves you feeling wanting for the experience. In other words, you need to find the middle ground which will require him to learn how to lay back and accept your attention and love it as you accept his and very much love it.

    People need to learn each other physically and it’s your great good luck that sex is already pretty rewarding. That’s a great platform to start out from but you each need to accommodate the needs of the other so that frustration doesn’t build to the extent it becomes an issue. As to you initiating, unless he minds diving in I don’t see a problem. Initiating isn’t the gold standard for interest and since you are more sexually driven it should be okay for you to drive the bus here as long as he’s just fine with taking that ride.