It seems like almost all the women I have been in significant relationships with had some form of sexual assault happen against them. Is this “normal” for so many people to have that happen on their past? Is it because my mother was too and she shared that information with me in grade school? What am I supposed to do when someone shares that information with me?
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Sadly it’s very very common.
You’re supposed to react with empathy and understanding, if they know they have specific triggers then talking them through and avoiding them during sex is the way to go.
It’s not easy to share this kind of trauma and I think it speaks to your character that so many women have opened up to you. There are probably two things at play here.
One: there are far more women have fallen victim to sexual assault than you or statistics account for
Two: you are likely a very good listener, and often times people who need to open up seek good listeners.
That is a concerning revelation and an indictment of society. I don’t see why there is anything inherent in your part since you would be attracted to them prior to learning about the sexual assault. I think the other posters are in to something in that it is a quality in you that may be appealing.
There is a boatload of sexual suppression that isn’t talked about. The women who have opened up to you are feeling very safe in your arms. Your personality may be a comforting one. One that your partner feels secure in talking about. Possibly because your learned that from your mother. What you do is show compassion and learn of those trigger points so you can continue to avoid them. Edify your partner by letting them know how wonderful it is to be intimate with them and how beautiful they are. You seem to know what you are doing so keep it up and make your partners continue to feel safe with you.
Listen and be empathetic as much as possible. Listen to what she says and more importantly, hear – The two things are different.
I don’t know how old you are, but I am considered a ‘senior’. You suffer from what I have – that of being a magnet for ‘abused’ women. My common comment is – ‘these women have more baggage than Samsonite’.
Honestly, its a sad numbers game. Women get sexually abused all the time (I think the stat is 1 in 4 for women and 1 in 6 for men), virtually every woman I have been with has been sexually assaulted, and its terrible because there’s nothing you can do except be there for them.
My current partner has trauma that makes lavender abhorrent to her because the man that assaulted her did it in a room with lavender essential oils, so now the entire fragrance triggers her and I try to make sure not to get anything lavender smelling.
Sexual abuse/assault is rampant. Last number I saw was 1 in 6, and that’s reported…. I’m sure it’s much worse in reality….so it’s really not hard to find girls that have been victims. Out of my girl friends I think there is 1 that hasn’t been sexually assaulted in some way. Sad world. As a mom of girls I am terrified, and through my own experience I hope to make them vigilant.
As others have said, these women must feel safe with you to share that, so clearly you’re doing something right. I have previous serious multi-year relationships that my partner had no knowledge of my trauma. Just hug them and let them know they’re safe with you. Back that up with actions-don’t sleep with them when they’re too drunk or high etc. and don’t get upset if you’re told no.
It’s very common for both boys and girls being SA
This is likely happening, because so many women have had some form of sexual assault happen to them. It’s not about you attracting a certain type of woman. It’s the harsh reality that sexual assault, harassment, rape, incest and other forms of abuse toward girls and women is so common that **most** of the women out there will have experienced it, to one degree or another. One might argue that **all women** have experienced this in their lives, by the time they reach a certain age.
This should be an eye opener to how common this type of fucked up crime is happening
Tbh it’s very common. Every woman I ever met have experienced it to some degree
It’s pretty common
Very very common, and I actually think the numbers skew higher than surveys suggest, because I would think almost all women who have been sexually active with more than 1 partner have been victim to some type of sexual coercion whether they identify it as date rape or assault. This happened to me 3 or 4 times at least when I was younger. It seemed too extreme to call it rape but it certainly wasn’t consensual. That doesn’t even count the bfs who tried to get me to have sex without a condom when I said no many times. It’s pretty gross out there for women.
Most women have been sexually assaulted at some point. I have. And so has just about every other woman I know. I never reported mine. Most women don’t. The Stat I see most often is that 1 in 4 women have reported a sexual assault. So when you pair that with the fact that most victims don’t report, you can probably bump that number up to 2 or 3 out of 4. Which is really sad. All you can do is be kind. Be supportive. Be understanding.
I’m the only woman I’m close to who hasn’t been SA’ed. we live in a fucked up world
It’s just really common.
Most women I know have been sexually assaulted in some way. And I’ve heard far too many stories of coercion- a lot of people don’t even know this is wrong because it’s so normalized. Believe that it is very common. I would love if someone just listened to me and was understanding of what I’ve been through
It’s bad, I was SA for the first time when I was 12, I’m in my 40’s now and I need both hands to count the number of SA I have experienced. More if we add in rape.
Myself and nearly every woman in my life has experienced some form of sexual assault. It’s incredibly common unfortunately. The fact that so many woman have opened up to you is likely a good sign and reflects well on your character, and your ability to make them feel safe. Just keep being supportive and kind.
Congratulations, you’re an ally and they feel safe around you.
As a person who has been a victim of SA, I have only shared my story with people I trust. If someone has shared it with you, they feel safe with you.
1 in 3 women are sa. And that’s the statistics we know about. Let alone the women that don’t ever admit it or report it. It’s kind of like buying. A new car and suddenly you see the same car everywhere and it seems so crazy. You notice it more because you are thinking about it. Plus you must come across as trust worthy for so many women to be upfront with you about that kind of past.
As to what do you do when someone shares that with you. Really it depends on the person and the situation. Know its already huge that they are sharing in the first place. We are so conditioned to be at fault for our own sa and to feel ashamed for it. But overall rule of thumb is to just listen. Let them get it out. Sometimes that is simply enough. Other times a hug is needed or justifiable anger on their behalf. Support going forward is always a plus. Like if they need someone to talk to in the future or if them need someone to hold their hand when reporting their sa. Sounds like you must be doing something right though
Where have you been?
Every woman has either been assaulted or knows someone who has.
Funny how no men know a rapist, though.
Yes, it’s sadly that common. And yes, you may be carrying a savior complex from the early childhood knowledge of your mom’s assault that naturally attracts victims to you.
Honestly I feel like most women in general have been sexually assaulted so I don’t think you’re doing anything differently than anyone else. A lot of women do not talk about their assault so if they’re opening up to you, to some degree they feel safe with you which is a good thing.
I think there can be multiple factors at play here.
To start, as a woman I personally know that at least 80% of my female friends have faced some sort of sexual violence. It would make sense that a large percentage of women you intimately know have as well. Also maybe you are perceived to be a safe, trusted confidant. If someone opens up to you the best advise I can give is respond with empathy, understanding, and validation.
Unfortunately, I think its becoming increasingly common. 3/4 relationships for me. It’s caused me to look into traumas, how they work and how to be more receptive towards partners that may have them
Yes, it is that common. 🙁
It is sadly a market of our society. Most women are subject to all manners of creepy, from unwanted advances, dick pics, to much darker things.
Sadly this is more of a norm than not.