I’ve reached a breaking point when it comes to my love life, or lack thereof.
This past week, I went on a date. The first date I’ve had in months. Second date in my life.
Even getting this date was an amazing achievement for me, most of the time girls just ignore me after a few messages. Trying to sell myself in text form is next to impossible, and I seem really boring unless I’m in person. But this time we had a whole bunch in common and lived nearby. So it actually worked, and I was so excited.
I actually had high hopes for myself for this date, which I rarely do. It actually seemed doable. I did everything i could to make sure it went well. I dressed well, tidied myself up, and made sure I had a lot to say.
When i was there, conversation was easy. I made her laugh a lot, we connected on a bunch of topics, I thought I was interesting, and i wasn’t a “nice guy” who simped for her. I was me. I tried to be myself, which I thought was the main thing you had to do. She gave no signs she wasn’t interested, and I asked if she wanted to meet next week, and she said yes. I thought I’d gotten past the hardest part. I’m usually so nervous when I meet people, but the more I meet them the safer I feel to get out of my shell. The more I met her, the more she’d get to know me, and see I could be a good match.
But the very next day she sends me a big text bluntly saying she doesn’t like me that way, and that she doesn’t want to meet me again, even as a friend. It took ages to get her, and I can safely say it’ll be months before I can get another. I live in a small town, and there’s not much to choose from.
I’m in my late 20’s now, and I’m well past the point of it being normal to have no relationship experience. It’s easy for me to make friends, even with women. But I clearly have zero charisma beyond that, and no girl has seen me in a sexual way at all. And that seems to be all I can offer.
I’m genuinely terrified to escalate with a girl, I assume they find me creepy and pushy if I even think of touching her. I feel like a predator, and I just get the vibe I should leave them alone.
I absolutely don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve tried looking after myself, because I thought self-improvement would lead to self-confidence, which would mean the girls would come to me, rather than vice versa. For years i’ve tried. And I’m much better now than I was when I started. But it hasn’t worked.
I’m invisible to women. I’m a charming oddity at best. Their weird little brother. Their quirky friend that they keep at a respectable distance.
I’m not an ugly person by any means, I actually think I’m quite attractive. But I’ve no idea how to get beyond that initial connection to anything substantial. Talking to them seems not to work. Showing my talents and passions doesn’t either. Being me hasn’t gotten me anywhere.
This has gone on for years now, and I’ve lost hope. I’ve tried to be resilient, learn from my failures and keep going, but I seem to be in the exact same place.
What can I do? I have so much love to give, and I really feel I’ll be alone forever.
7 comments
Move to a bigger city, have your week planned out by going to activities like dance lessons, swiming, indoor hiking. Dating is mostly about exposure, it’s a numbers game, make sure not to chase them and pursue only if they show interest.
Basically you are doing everything right except you need to change the context and environment in your interactions.
In that big long text she sent you that said she didn’t want to see you again even as a friend, did she say why? I can’t imagine that you offended her so badly that she doesn’t even want to be friends with you and you don’t know why. Even if things seemed great together when you left each other, I’m assuming this means that at some point something bad happened and that was enough for her to act politely through the rest of the date then get out of there asap.
Also, I’m kind of concerned that you said you weren’t a “nice guy” and you didn’t “simp” for her. That particular wording makes me think that you could’ve come off as rude or crass towards her. It’s one thing to stay true to yourself and your own personality on a date. It’s another to forget manners and politeness around someone you’re hoping to impress enough to date. I’m not saying that you were the issue here. There could be absolutely nothing you did wrong and you just weren’t a good match. I have to say that it does rub me the wrong way that you’re already talking about not simping for her on a first date.
Again, not trying to say this is your fault! Those are just my takeaways for things that could’ve gone wrong on your end from your story.
Also, I saw you mentioned that girls just don’t have sexual interest in you. You’ve only gone on two dates in your life though. I don’t want to speak for all other women out there, but I don’t think I’ve ever walked down the street and viewed a man in a sexual way no matter how attractive he is. I don’t view my guy friends in sexual ways no matter how attractive they are. There has to be some romantic build up for me to view things sexually between myself and a man. By romantic build up I’m not just talking about us talking about things and having similar hobbies etc. If you tried to push things too sexually or even just physically before you’ve built up to that level then that might’ve warranted her being turned off enough to not want to see you again.
If you were unable to find somebody for 28 years – maybe try to change some things in your life? Start working out, it will do wonders for your self esteem and overall health. I am a personal trainer, and I’ve spoken to many clients/friends and almost in all cases, being fit will attract more women – it shows that you like to take care of yourself and dedication. I know this might sound stupid for some people, but it works.
Also, moving to a different city can help a lot. I wasn’t the most social or likeable kid in my hometown, and it was also extremely hard to find my first gf. I moved to a major city and everything changed. I worked out a lot, paid more attention to my looks and educated myself. I’m not bragging, but the ”new me” in a new town was something different. I found out that I’m actually good looking and every time I went out, I was surrounded by women.
For you I’d recommend a similar approach, it doesn’t have to be 100% same, but you just have to bring out your good qualities. For me, I found a solution, and it worked. You can do the same. Do not give up my brother.
you mention these kinds of things like simping, complimenting people, etc
i think you need to quit thinking like that.
give compliments when you want to and they are authentic and real. tell someone you like them when you realize that you do, and you want a relationship with them.
after a few dates, have the talk and see if they want to be in a relationship with you also.
but based on your post and comment replies, it seems like you hold back because you’re following some kind of guidebook about how to make the girl fall for you, and that guidebook is making you check your conversations and actions.
Holy crap, its like someone asked exactly my problem, for real lol. Keep going at it, mate!
Have you worked on your body wardrobe or career up till this point? Being conventionally attractive seems to be the standard at this point
Being yourself is not what you are supposed to do, you are supposed to be attractive, and, just in case, being ‘funny haha clown man’ is not attractive.
You say you’re scared of scalating with a girl, that SHOWS, I’d recommend you go to a professional and get comfortable with intimacy so you feel more confident.