I’m so in love with this guy. Have been for years. We became really close friends (in the same industry) and started working together; spending a ton of time driving, making fun of eachother like teenagers, and then he started taking me to dinner after.
The first time I tried to grab his hand he freaked out. Eventually some drunken night with friends he kissed me and I dragged him to my bed.
At first, he was terrified, but six months later we make out all the time, he’s always touching me in one way or another, basically live together, and we have a blast.
He is never aroused, I finally after six months got the balls to ask what was up with sex. He says, ‘I really like bigger women and we should just be friends’
Immediately that turned into, I love you so much I’m scared, we got past this, I find he has a BBW (HUGE HUGE women) fetish after snooping.
We agree to try viagra, NOTHING.
I tried to end things, he cried and begged me to not give up. (He feels we are meant for eachother and I’d love to believe that)
I have created distance but I’m still utterly in love with him.
Backstory, his father beat him as a kid, I think he may have Asperger’s (can’t read or write very well) and definitely a “BIG” porn addiction.
I’m the only non-family friend he’s ever had under age 60. He’s wildly successful, really good looking, but a virgin with ED and he’s desperately attached to me now and I don’t know what to do.
I love him so much but the constant rejection and lack of sex is eating me alive.
How can I help with the ED ? At 37 I have never been in a relationship like this and I’ve had many.
29 comments
Go to therapy. And tell him to stop watching porn.
Porn will really have an effect on men not having to keep up with “real women”.
And again THERAPY. His childhood may have something to do with him not getting it up. Don’t keep your distance, it might make things worse. He might feel rejected and that will likely cause more damage on his thing.
He needs to stop watching porn.
ED during real intercourse has a strong correlation to compulsive masturbation.
This isn’t ED, he isn’t sexually attracted to you full stop.
Therapy might help him but you can only work on your own issue really, so my suggestion is that you find a therapist you really like and explore what there is about a relationship with someone who can’t really be available for you emotionally or physically that is attractive to you. You deserve to have a full relationship with someone who loves you and is attracted to you and appreciates you for all the wonderful things that you are. I totally sympathize with the desire to help someone who’s had a difficult past but sometimes indulging that fantasy is not the ideal way to create happiness in your own life over the long term..You deserve better than this.
Okay, I guess the question hasn’t been asked but, can he get it up to MB when watching porn? If so, then the problem isn’t physical, it’s all mental. Maybe you can try watching porn together and you can add to the visual stimulation and perhaps a HJ. If all that works, try again and gradually work up to actual sex. Have him only watch and MB if you are there.
I don’t think it’s that you aren’t his type (though that probably what porn he watches) it’s that he’s scared. If you put him with a BBW he’d probably have the same issues. What he probably ultimately needs is see a sex therapist
I know you love him, but don’t date projects. This man is not a fully formed, functional adult capable of a relationship. And I don’t just mean sexually.
You’re dating a project (which is probably a pattern of failures for you), and he straight up told you he’s not into you early on. Plus you snooped and other stupid things.
Can you not see that this ship wasn’t going to leave the harbor no matter what you did? Move on.
You 👏 can’t 👏 fix 👏 him 👏
Sounds like a porn addiction.
As a former porn addict, the solution is to just stop porn completely.
It’s understandable that he’s the way he is now having been single for so long. There’s no need to blame him.
But he’s not single now.
You should ask him to go cold turkey for a month. If he needs to get off he has to come to you. IMO that should clear things up.
Cutting to the chase…have you had his penis in your mouth and he is still flacid?
You love that you get nothing back. You have set up a relationship now where everything is from you.
I don’t know if it is worth it take on this type of project but in the case that is what you want to do I have a few questions and a few suggestions.
My first question is aside from making out and the heavy petting has their been any other variations of sex attempted. No need to get graphic but has he tried or been willing to try anything other than p2v sex? If not, why not?
My next question is if he has any other serious or long-term relationships prior to you? I understand he’s a virgin, but has he had any other type of romantic relationship, ever? You said your the only friend he’s ever had does that also mean romantic partner? Have you explored with him why he’s never had friend’s or GFs? Aside from any health diagnosis.
My suggestion is to see how addicted he is to porn. You describe it as a fetish and an attraction to a certain type of women. It might be better viewed as a mental association of sex and a certain type of objectification and method. Is it possible from him to abstain from porn and disassociate sex with computer screen, website, video, image, and self-touching. That’s a lot of work he’d have to do so again, my first advice would be to leave the romantic part of this relationship alone.
Have you considered having an open relationship on your end? This would mean you and the 38M virgin would be in a relationship but you can have sexual relations outside of him, but he can’t because..he physically can’t. That way you’re physically satisfied and your boyfriend gives you all the other elements of a relationship. Do you think he would be okay with this or is he the jealous type? Also, you can try working through his issue by getting in contact with a sexually therapist and completely cutting out porn. Does he get hard to masterbate?
Maybe he has performance anxiety. He needs to see a doctor to see if its mental or physical.
ED is almost certainly because of the porn. If he won’t give that up for you, don’t feel bad about giving up on him.
I’m sure the addiction will stop once he actually gets it up & inside..
Stop trying top force something that isn’t there. If you want to stay with him, you need to come to terms with the idea that you may never have sex again. He’s got more baggage than the cargo hold on a cruise ship.
LOL YUGE YUGE
Asperger’s is more about not being able to understand social cues whereas dyslexia is a learning disability involving not being about to translate sound to words https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/dyslexia/symptoms-causes/syc-20353552
Have you ever heard of the “NoFap” movement? There is a whole subreddit for it. Although I find that many members take it too extremes, there is actually research and there are thousands of experience reports about ED combined with a porn addiction – and the healing process by staying abstinent from it. For some of these guys it took years to “recover” and be able to have a normal sex life.
There are several aspects to it: 1. Sexuality is deeply linked to sitting in front of a screen for him. 2. If he had his “type” all these years, this type is so deep in his head that it will take time to change it. But in my experience, types can truly change over time when you are truly in love. 3. There is the so-called “death grip”, which means he is only used to the stimulation with his own hand. Other stimuli are not enough to arouse him.
So working on these issues will require a lot of time, practise and patience. He should stop porn and in best case masturbation altogether for a period of time to recalibrate his sexuality. When he starts masturbating again – with you or alone – he should focus solely on the feeling, it’s a bit like a meditation. It requires concentration on his side, and a lot of affirmation, understanding and patience from yours. It will be hard and probably not working at first, but don’t give up, the both of you.
He and you should find pleasure in touches, in gentle strokes, in kisses AND in the love you have for each other. There is so much more to sexuality than the act of penetration, and I think for the time being, you should focus on that (while he is also working on recalibrating his sexual brain).
Also, during this time, you could teach him how to satisfy your desires with other means than his penis. If he loves you, I am sure he’ll be happy to bring pleasure to you, even if it doesn’t sexually arouse himself (at first at least).
I wish the both of you good luck!
Honestly it could be all related to his constant exposure to porn and nothing else until this point to be the real issue.
I think that he have work in himself, with a therapist, you can help him, but in role of a friend, later you can talk to him see what happen
Also I recommend that you need talk to someone to express those feelings and not bottle up
I’m sorry but you have to adjust to this, given that is not like other relationship you have. So you have to stop expecting to be like other relationship
Viagra, doesn’t always work the first time. If he’s only used it once, it might be that he needs to try it a few times and make sure the dosage is right. He needs to also stop with the porn and relax on the masturbation.
Therapy and regular checkups are extremely important.
He needs to quit porn to make it work (porn addiction probably responsible for Ed). Simple as that. Therapy would probably help with that along with other issues of his past. However if he doesn’t want to go then there isn’t a whole you can do.
So many red flags
You can love people who are completely wrong for you, OP. You guys are not compatible and you are letting your feelings blind you to the reality of this. You’ve built this guy up in your head, but in reality this relationship doesn’t work.
He needs therapy and a urologist. Info: can he ever get it up and get off or not at all?
Yeah you need to therapy.
He’s 38 and a virgin which makes me think he will likely have some form of asexuality. Some people only get aroused from touching themselves but are uncomfortable touching someone else.
So can he get an erection when watching porn? If so, his body has likely become accustomed to the porn. He may need to see a doctor and rule out health issues. If he is healthy, then maybe a sex therapist if he really wants it to work. There are ways around it, implants, etc.. but you need to find out if he ever has an erection or if it’s always an issue. That’s important to know if it’s physical or psychological.