My fiance 30(m) wants me to initiate sex more, but every time I do he turns me down. Over the years I quit trying because the rejection hurts I feel like I’m not attractive enough and beat myself up cause I can’t seem to turn him on? It’s frustrating. When I’ve brought it up he says he can’t just turn it off and on, he has to be in the mood. So our sex life revolves around his horniness. It’s infuriating. I don’t know what to do but blame myself, which I know isn’t healthy and it’s using never the other person’s fault but I don’t know what else it could be. Can any men relate? Or is his excuse to not hurt my feelings?
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r/deadbedrooms
I can relate, turned out my partner had extremely low testosterone.
“So our sex life revolves around his horniness. ”
– I think that is normal, but maybe he has a testosterone issue or needs viagra.
Reading Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski helped me understand most. My H is the same way and initiating can be tricky. I’ve found a few other techniques- just masturbating next to him has a pretty high success rate – but the book really helped me accept it’s not about how hot I am. Which also helped because I sulked less about being rejected
Men actually are not wired to just want sex always at the drop of a hat. They get stressed, tired, want to do other things just like women
I think it is important that you know that it is not your fault and there can be a lot of reasons for a person not to be in the mood for sex that has nothing to do with the partner. Someone already mentioned testosterone (excercising also helps a lot with this if he is not doing it already), but add other factors like stress, poor sleep etc into the equation as well.
I also believe it is important to be able to talk to each other about your feelings when it comes to this. Is he aware how it makes you feel when he rejects you? It is probably not his intention, but he needs to understand that he needs to make an effort to positively acknowledge your taking the initiative even if it does not lead to sex. He has a right to say no, of course, but I believe it can be done without hurting your feelings or making you feel insecure.
It might also be that he actually has to make an effort as well to get in the right mood. We are not machines and yes, there is no on or off button, and it might sound less sexy than being spontaneous, but maybe he has to start thinking about being intimate with you more often to get himself in the mood. I think it is far too easy sometimes to fall into the rabbit hole that is life, with work, chores and stress being your entire focus. Maybe he needs to find a balance to also spend time and energy on being romantic, doing things together that get you both in the right mood.
Sexual compatibility, although not nearly the only criteria, is so important in a long term relationship. Send him to therapy. If he can’t fix this, your marriage has the chance to be a challenge. Everyone deserves a partner that complements them and is aligned. If everything is great but that one thing that’s super important isn’t fulfilling, it won’t get better.
If your sex life is this frustrating now… getting married won’t make it better! 😬😳
Definitely don’t blame yourself!
Maybe a medial issue or stress? In 22 years I turned my wife down twice. Once when in between jobs and I was stressed over finances. The other after a car wreck when I was still too sore to enjoy it
Lmao I’m your boyfriend in this situation. So the gf used to “try” to initiate as well, and she thought just trying to play with my soft cock randomly would be “good enough” to turn me on. Its not. In fact that would be so off putting that I would remove her hand, then be moody afterward. Are you sure you know how to turn him on? Are you doing the same actions every single time you’ve tried? Do you know what he enjoys? Chances are something is missing there.
Don’t assume just seeing you naked is enough, don’t just go straight for the dick either, I’ve found that those are cliche, and don’t do much for me, and possibly him.
My gf doesn’t initiate almost ever anymore, I’m sure our previous issues of that hurt her self confidence. However she seems ok with me doing the work, and honestly I prefer it that way, I like to be the shot caller sexually. But on the very rare occasion she does try, we’ve realized that I’m very much into passionate kissing, that almost always hits the switch for me. Nakedness, sexy outfits, touching, anything suggestive. Does absolutely nothing for me, but sex is a very emotional thing for me so if I don’t feel that connection, I feel nothing.
You could find other ways to ask for sex. “Can we have sex now?” can be dry. I think your entire sex life revolving around him is shitty. Some people do need to be coaxed because they don’t/rarely get horny without physical stimulation. I do think he needs to try harder to make you feel desired
My (f, 30s) wife is this way, too. Rarely interested, but says I should try to initiate more. When I do: rejection. It sucks and I’m sorry I have nothing to offer you but sympathy.