My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 months. We go to university together and met at a party. We have a lot in common, but I haven’t really been thinking too far ahead in terms of our relationship. We were laying in his bed tonight when at one point, I said to him “Why would a woman be with a man with less money than her? We’re the ones who take so much risk with dating, have to carry the babies, etc. If you’re the man, at least make money.”
He just looked shocked and he said “Don’t you want to be a lawyer?”
I said “Yes. Are you okay with that?”
He said “Of course, but I don’t think I’ll make as much money as you.”
I told him sarcastically “You seem very ambitious.”
He said “If I get my dream job, I’ll probably make around 60K.”
I said “You should have higher aspirations than that.”
He looked extremely upset and he said “I wish I had known you felt this way 6 months ago.”
I said “I just want you to go far in life.”
He said “I just want you to go far away, at this point. Put your clothes on. I’ll drive you home if you need.”
I asked him “Are you dumping me? You literally told me you loved me five minutes ago.”
Then he said “That was a big mistake!” Then he literally started crying, and I felt so uncomfortable with this unprecedented display of emotion that I was out the door as fast as I could go.
I called my brother (22M) and I said “My boyfriend just dumped me at midnight and I need a ride.”
My bro was like “Did he really just kick you out in the middle of the night? What’s wrong with him!?”
I said “He’s gone crazy. Block him on all social media. Please get here soon.”
He said “Okay.” Then he came and got me and brought me to my place.
When we got there, my brother said “Please don’t get back together with someone who would treat you like that.”
So at this point, my relationship is basically over, I think. I just didn’t like the idea of him settling for less when it comes to jobs and I think he has a lot of potential. I didn’t even mean I would dump him if his salary was slightly less, but I didn’t like the low ambition he showed.
I want to call him after I wake up tomorrow morning, but I don’t know what to say. He acted so strangely tonight, and I don’t know how to handle it. Plus, I’ll have some explaining to do to my brother if we end up still being together. Should I just give up on this relationship, or should I try to talk things over with him? I didn’t mean to insult him.
TL;DR! – It appears his highest career aspirations won’t amount to much in terms of salary compared to mine and when I told his he should aspire to a higher salary, he dumped me. Now I want to figure out if I should try and fix things or move on.
22 comments
That’s kinda low. You lowkey insulted the man about his hopes and dreams…….. he probably felt like you were looking down on him and making him feel incompetent or that you will leave him for someone who makes more money, and i’m no expert, but that doesn’t sound like love. Go ahead and have your preferences. You are entitled to that. But don’t get mad that he dumped you. You basically told him he doesn’t live up to your expectations so he feels like he’s a placeholder for something better. He should be able to have his own hopes and dreams and someone who will support him and admire him for not just chasing the bag, but for being happy and doing what he wants to do.
Even if someone makes less money, doesn’t make them less successful. Be proud of the work they do, and difference they make to the world positively . I see your point that you jus have belief in him to strive for greatness making more money , but you could have perhaps explained it ina different way. Hopefully you can apologize to him and explain what you meant about it. Be grateful if a man is making money at all. Just because he makes less money than you doesn’t make him any less significant. But like I said I can see ur point and what you meant, you have a lot of belief in him . But just remember, it’s not jus about how much money someone makes to determine success
You associate ambition with money, he might not. I mean sure you didn’t mean to insult him, but that’s your incompatibility. People have deal breakers, that’s normal. If this is one of yours, stick to it. If not, then just talk it out. It shouldn’t be hard to explain to your brother what actually happened.
I’d have reacted the same way he did.
I always wanted to be a teacher, if someone called that unambitious I’d be greatly insulted.
Also I’d do almost anything for my wife… but working a boring job just because it paid well and my wife wanted me to earn a lot? I wouldn’t do that.
All the school teachers that MADE YOU, and enabled you to get an education that eventually led you to aspire to be a lawyer… they will make less than you.
All the scientists that have done research contributing to our medicines and overall knowledge for future cures… they will make less than you. If everyone aspired to only make money, we would have very little progress.
Teaching should be the most highly paid profession. We’d be fucked without them, yet we crap on them
Dude that was an incredibly low blow from your side…
You probably did not mean to insult him, but you need to understand that you did and at this point that is what matters.
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Yeah he should not have kicked you out like that but damn dude…
Just for context you know only 21 percent of men make more than 100000 dollars a year a lot are old people with investments and passive income or even younger people with investments so the percentage that make more than 100000 because of there job with out investments is much less while a lawyer medium salary of course it can change where you live and what kind you are but the wage is 144,000 so there you go, either your ending up with an old dude with passive income, or another lawyer maybe a exicutive/influencer, sorry but stats are not on your side we live in a modern society and you not showing empathy or support with your partner dreams and goal it can ruined them many people try to have “greater aspirations” but they fail, their relationships fall apart and its devastating because the fact is that most fail and even if they don’t they will because they hate the lifestyle as well as the stress with being a leader. It’s not everyone’s cup of tea and you find out some of these people are bound to be psychopaths that use every little amount of knowledge the gain or experience they have to exploit, destroy or undermine other people. Money shouldn’t be a factor in your relationships, if making decisions for profits and money ruins the majority of businesses where it is a goal then it probably shouldn’t be in relationships.
Fyi dont get me wrong financial stability is incredibly important but money itself isn’t.
Why did you have to smear the guy to your brother? I’m curious.
I recently retired (2 years ago). My job was to coordinate disaster response for a county of about 60k residents. I had to write emergency operations plans, coordinate local, state, and federal resources for response, do public education, etc. Granted, this area was not an affluent area by any means. 20 years in that profession. My top salary was in the mid 50k range. This was not a low end job. Those comments about ambition would have gotten the same response from me. I tried to make a positive difference in the lives of the citizens for whom i was responsible. I think the damage from that low blow definitely sunk that ship. Adequate money is important, but it it is not the be all/end all. Very sad that this relationship had to die such a hurtful death.
I think you like many women have unrealistic expectations. Women always want a man who makes 100k or more which the average salary is like 40k. His dream job would be making 60k which is above average. That amount of money is more then enough to live comfortably and raise a family. And honestly even if he makes less money doing something he loves how could that be an issue? At that point you would be saying money is more important then his happiness.
The way you described the situation I get what you are saying but you sound selfish. And it’s debatable as to wether women take more risk in a relationship. You can marry a guy then cheat on him divorce him take half of everything he owns including pension. And at the end of it most likely win child custody and be paid child support. I’m not saying this is your situation I’m just using it as an example because 9/10 women are the ones leaving relationships. And a lot of them say the same things you do they want men to take care of them and make money.
Honestly I think you should apologize to him and explain to your brother what that was all about. Now he thinks the guy is trash when you didn’t even give him the full story. Not to mention it sounds like you really hurt him and probably feels like you are just using him for for money to provide for you.
The way you worded it by saying you think he has a lot of potential is nice. However following up with I don’t understand why you would settle is just rude. If you want something different then he wants you guys shouldn’t be together. Honestly you sound like one of the girls from the fresh and fit podcasts lol. You should watch one of their vids and try to understand what men go through it’s not all about you.
What you told him sounds very painful to hear from a guys perspective, especially when you consider societal pressures men have to be providers.
Leave this bloke alone and stay single until you get it through your head that a low salary doesn’t equal low aspirations. Bruv dodged a bullet.
1. There are certain things you shouldn’t say to a man bluntly.
2. “His potential” in your eyes isn’t his true potential if he doesn’t want it. Never try to change a man.
3.There’s nothing wrong with not wanting an ultra high salary, like there’s nothing wrong with wanting it. You just need to realise how important it is for you and seek people with similar beliefs instead of making people feel less than
4. A word of advise, do not disregard a man who can worship you, for a man who would make you feel alone because he is married to his hobby/job first. There has been plenty of extremely successful couples where a woman is making more. Granted it is not popular but be real without itself do you want the love or do you want a pay check? Maybe you are lucky and you can get both, so good luck
It sounds like you measure ambition and success strictly based on money. Although I don’t think he handled it the best, your ex was right to end it. Just be careful, the more successful you are in your own career, the fewer guys you’ll have to pick from, and the more competition you’ll have for them. Good luck.
So you lied to your brother? He said he would give you a ride even after you insulted him and then got mad because he was emotional? Plus you’re sexist as all hell. He’s much better off without you
So, you’re super into the Patriarchy! Way to really buy into the sexist ideals of the past! Are you at least buying into the parts that are potentially demeaning, like that you’ll stop working once you have children and always have dinner and a cocktail waiting for Your Husband when he comes home smelling of his secretary’s perfume?
You’re conflating Ambition with Salary. These are two VERY different concepts.
Yeah, I’d kick you out in the middle of the night too.
God, what a loser.
To be clear, I’m not talking about your ex-boyfriend.
First of all, you **did** pretty high key insult him. I can tell you that, as a man myself, it’s a very sore point to hear a woman say that she wouldn’t want to be with you if you made less money than her. Many of us are extremely insecure about a woman being with us only for what resources we can provide to them, and you just reinforced that insecurity in him.
Not only that, but something’s telling me that you didn’t tell the full truth to your brother. In fact, you outright lied and said your boyfriend went crazy and just straight up kicked you out, when in reality he didn’t go crazy and offered to give you a ride home.
and I thought I was in r/AmITheAsshole because I was ready to type YTA, hahaha
>Now I want to figure out if I should try and fix things or move on.
You can’t “fix” this, because you’ve shown him very clearly that you are primarily interested in a partner for their salary, and that you’re not interested in him as a person; you cannot simply undo that knowledge.
Your attitude would have been commonplace if this was the 1950s, but unfortunately for you, it’s not. So you now need to move on and find a chap with a retro mindset who does not believe in equality.
I do hope you enjoy doing all of the housework, because this comes with the territory, but that’s precisely what you’re looking for so you do you!
(As an aside, lying to your brother about this was a pretty nasty move.)
What the actual… If you don’t see what you did wrong, you need to leave him. He told you it was his dream job and you told him it isn’t good enough?
You ran to your brother before talking to your boyfriend about it? This wouldn’t be a big deal but you made it one by bringing family into it without talking to him first.
To be honest, you are not ready for a relationship
So you’re a gold digger. Own it or try to change yourself.