My dad’s wife is trying to act like my mom

38 comments

1. This is why grief counseling for families should be mandatory, especially with minor kids. Your dad is completely disregarding your feelings and that makes it impossible to have a conversation with him. Susan was your mother’s best friend, so I can see how she and your dad bonded over the shared trauma of losing a loved one and how that brought them together—it’s more common than you think. But if your family wants any way forward, I think you should suggest grief counseling. Enlist extended family if they won’t listen to you.

   It sounds like they both love you but they’re too wrapped up in their own issues to address yours, and that’s not fair.

2. First, sorry for your loss. I might’ve acted the same way if I were you. Maybe when you’re ready just initiate a talk with them ‘heart to heart’ that you appreciate them trying to fulfill the void but you rejecting them is actually your way of preserving the memory of your mom. Also mention that it’s not too long ago that it happened and you understand that people have different timelines especially when moving on and grieving. And you respect that but they also have to respect and understand that you’re not ready yet to open up the way they want you to. Make it a point that the day will come and they don’t have to try so hard, you will come around. You just need time, understanding and respect NOT pressure.

   I know it’s hard to be nice to people that you feel like undeserving to it, but keep in mind that you will be dealing with them in a day to day basis whether you like it or not, so at some point you have to learn how to do it right. Respect is the bare minimum, just give it when you no longer know what to do. Wish you well!

3. Have you spoken to a therapist or counselor throughout any of this?

   Your feelings are understandable and totally normal. These adults are being complete dumbasses, made a bunch of really avoidable mistakes and have rushed and pressured you at every point. It wasn’t fair, and it wasn’t kind. They didn’t really set you up for any success. Sounds like your father had no idea how to grieve your mother, or how to exist as an adult man without a wife.

   However, this anger is gonna make your life even harder and lonelier than it really needs to be. You need some support and if you’re not getting that from your dad you can and should ask him to help you get it from a therapist or counselor. Not family counseling, just a place and a person for you to talk to and for you to figure out what the best things you can do *for you*.

4. Thinking about your situation makes me tear up. Internet hugs, if you want them.

   I’m thinking about what you can say to make the situation better, and the one thing I think your father and his new wife is missing is that you are on your own schedule. And they are kind of forcing you to follow theirs.

   If you want to express this to them, I think the best way depends on more things than you have written. So you have to use your judgement on how to approach them. I think telling both at the same time might be better, because then they might want to talk among themselves before saying anything and things happening slower might be better for you. But otherwise it seems better if you talk to your father first. As to what to say, I would choose something simple that gets the message across rather fast, but again, you have to use your own judgement. For example:

   > Why do I have to be on your schedule with all this family stuff? My mother is dead, I’m not over that. Why do I have to be over that?

5. I understand how you feel. You didn’t have time to grieve before it seemed like everyone moved on. This somewhat happened to me, lost my mother in law to a tragic accident. She was like a second mom to me-I also really loved my father in law. But within a year he married one of her best friends. She was a very nice lady, very kind but I was upset. I felt like I was being disloyal to the memories of my first mil. I never felt close to his second wife but after awhile I was grateful he found someone that made him happy. But it changed the whole dynamics of the family. I think it’s so much harder for you because you really needed your dad to be there for you while you healed. I hope you take the advice that others suggested & get some counseling. It is so much to go through at your age and you need someone to listen to you, especially since your isn’t. Good luck.

6. Well your dad’s wife is wrong. You don’t have a mom shaped hole in your heart, your mom (even past away) still fills that spot and for you no one can take that away. I think family therapy (a counselor that deals with grief preferably) would be helpful. You need them to hear you and establish boundaries with them. Unfortunately, sometimes people will only listen when the same message is said by an outside source. If they don’t want to meet you halfway about this, maybe you can get your dad’s or mom’s family to help you out. Good Luck.

7. Hi, I just want to say I’m so sorry that you lost your mom. I’m also sorry to hear about your family situation. I also lost my mother and my father also chose to move on quickly. I will try to give you my perspective as someone a bit older and hopefully it will help you understand where they are coming from.

   Sometimes adults do not know the best way to navigate difficulty. This includes tragedy like with the loss of your mother. I am sure that your father loved your mother very much. Sometimes when people have a strong relationship like that, they find they cannot be alone.

   Your father has been used to a life that he built with a partner. It might be overwhelming and painful for him to continue that life alone. People like this sometimes need to move forward quickly because the alternative can be too much. He was running on survival mode.

   Him feeling lonely is not your fault and it is not something that you can fix. Adults need adult relationships and friendships to help tackle responsibilities. He might need someone to talk to about his adult feelings and help carry his burden of grief. You as his son should not be expected to heal him nor to carry his grief. He is the adult and support should flow from him to you if that makes sense. That does not mean that you can’t talk about your mother to him. But it does mean that you shouldn’t pressure yourself to be responsible for anyone’s feelings.

   Your father chose to marry someone who also loved your mother (and who your mother loved too since they were best friends). Sometimes adults can bond through shared grief. I believe that Susan loves your family. If Susan did not love your mother then she would not have been trying so hard (to the point of overbearing) to support you. Your father would not have loved Susan if she did not love you too.

   I think that Susan does not know how to meet your needs. It is important that she has kept trying. It sounds like she has fallen into the trap that second marriages can fall into: over compensation.

   It seems to me that Susan very much does not want you to feel like a stranger in your home. She knows that she cannot literally replace your mother. (No one can.) But she is trying to be a mother figure for you. She is trying to include you in family things because she is worried that you feel alone. Her crying over the baby shopping situation was because of her fears of you being alone and rejecting her (and what she sees as her attempts at love). She wants to support you but she doesn’t know how to do it right.

   So, how to fix this? I would say communication. You need to express to your dad how you are feeling. You need to let him know that her love can feel overwhelming sometimes and that you are still processing your grief with the loss of your mother.

   These are a lot of big changes in your life and they are coming faster than you can process them. He needs to have patience with you as you adjust to the new normal. It’s not fair for him to ask you for what you are not yet ready to give. It does not mean that you will never get there – just that you need more space or time.

   You need to let both of them know that you see how they love you. They both feel insecure about this and when you pull away to protect yourself, they don’t know how to handle it. Susan seems to redouble her efforts which is too much for you. This leads to the angry words and frustration that you see sometimes.

   If you do nothing then nothing will change. Communication will help everyone to better understand what you need from each other.

   I hope that you understand that you are very loved. I’m so sorry that you lost your mother and I hope your situation with everyone improves. Hopefully this answer was able to help you.

8. [removed]

9. Yeah; she can’t fill the mom shaped hole in your heart. Even if you did want her to. That’s the space where your grief lives.

   It’s not impossible to graft new branches onto our family trees, but Susan has to be willing to meet you where you’re at. Paradoxically, I think you’d like her better if she *wasn’t* trying to be your mom.

10. They probably were not having an affair beforehand. They had already been good friends for a long time. People at that point in their lives don’t necessarily need to have an extended courtship particularly if they already know each other well.

    Nobody here is betraying your mother. They were both sad and lonely and had your mom in common. It’s totally normal. You are just grieving, and you will for the rest of your life. That’s normal, too.

    Susan is trying to do good by you. She will never be your mom, but she can still be a positive person in your life worthy of your consideration.

11. There’s an awful lot of pressure on you to conform to their idea of “family.” You’re not wrong, you’re young and grieving your mom. My experience was similar. My dad was so miserable alone that he remarried less than a year later. But my stepmom didn’t try to be a replacement mom, she just concentrated on being my friend. And it works

    I agree that you could do well with some grief counseling. It’s ok to let your stepmom care for you, too, but it’s not ok that you’re being pressured into it.

12. First off sorry for your loss that must’ve been hell, second you should have that conversation with them and just try to stay as calm as possible even if they say some weird shiz, just make a well thought out statement and if it starts going negative pop out and continue later. I think it’s weird as well that they married after such a short period and you have the right to be uncomfortable. you’re going to have to have that conversation eventually otherwise it’s just going to fill the relationship with one-sided resentment and you’ll just blow up when you’re older. Also if doing activities you did with your mom makes you uncomfortable without her try something new so she can watch you grow from beyond with or without your dad and his new partner. That’s weird I’m sorry homie it’ll get better just takes time.

13. First- I want to 100% validate what you are feeling. You are doing, and feeling, nothing at all ‘wrong’. It’s normal and natural for you to not want your mom to be ‘replaced’. And your dad and Susan forcing Susan into your mom’s spot only makes you want to push her away more.

    I would suggest you ask your dad to get you, him, and Susan together into counseling. Say that you want to meet with a counselor first, then have dad and Susan come to a future session.
    When you do this, explain to the counselor that, just as you said, you have a mom-sized hole in your heart and the two of them are trying to jam Susan into it and it’s just pushing you away. Tell the counselor you want to get dad and Susan to understand that you aren’t against her specifically, although you do resent the speed at which your mom was ‘replaced’ in the home, but you need them to give you space and to understand that Susan is not and will never be your mom. You’re willing to give her a chance as a person, but NOT as your mom. That is probably a role she will never get to play for you, and the sooner she and your dad understand that, the better it will be for everybody.
    Sometimes having a ‘safe space’ where a therapist will validate your feelings to your dad and Susan can be effective.

    Alternatively, just tell them yourself. Sit them down at a convenient time and ask to be allowed to speak for a few minutes without interruption no matter how much they disagree. Wait for them to accept that.
    Tell them you love your dad and you are glad Susan makes him happy because he deserves to be happy. But they both need to understand that you are NOT ‘in love’ with Susan as he is. You don’t mean anything bad to Susan by this. But she needs to understand that from your POV, your mom died, and less than a year later she was replaced by someone else. And now that someone else is trying to be a mom to you. You CANNOT accept that, because to do so, to allow your mom to be replaced like that, is to tarnish the memory you have of her. You understand that dad/Susan don’t like to hear this, but this is how you feel, and no amount of talking or persuading or bargaining will change the emotions you feel in your heart.
    However you recognize that Susan is here to stay and you want to give her a chance so the 3 of you can have some possibility of a happy-ish ending. But, if that is going to happen, you need it to happen on your terms, on your time. Susan and your dad do not get to insist that you ‘adopt’ Susan as your ‘new mom’, and their attempts to do so only push you away. They need to understand that Susan is not and will never be your mom. You don’t say that as an insult, but as a fact. If your dad and Susan both accept that, there’s a possibility you and Susan can have a good relationship in the future. Not as a mother. Maybe perhaps to some degree as a parent. But your mother is and always will be (mom’s name). And while they may have gotten over the fact that she’s gone and moved on to Family 2.0, you haven’t.
    So, what you need for now, is a bit of space and respect for things to happen on your time. You need for Susan to stop trying to fit into the mom-sized hole in your heart, and for your dad to stop trying to pound her into it. If they do that, there might be a place for you and Susan to get along and perhaps in time get close. Not as dad and mom, but as dad and Susan. But the more they try to force your relationship with Susan, the harder it gets for you to have one.
    So what you need specifically- you don’t mind invites. You don’t mind when she offers to do things with you. But ‘no’ needs to be a perfectly valid and accepted answer 100% of the time. Perhaps in time some of it will be a ‘yes’ and you can go from there. But they need to give you space and time to grieve first.

14. First thing, I am really sorry for your loss and send hugs.

    My POV: Your father is insensitive to your feelings, because he has made this all about himself and his new wife. Perhaps he has some guilt about moving on so quickly, possibly for the reasons you stated, but it could still be innocent.

    You would probably benefit greatly from grief counseling, and your family would likely benefit from family counseling. Him calling you selfish, after what he did, is cruel. And Susan needs to stop making it about her, too. You all need help.

    Edit: he is still grieving, and he doesn’t know how to handle it either. He just found some relief in the new wife, as is very common. But he doesn’t want to feel uncomfortable, because you are not on his timetable. Grief counseling for all of you will probably help that to some degree. The same goes for Susan.

15. You’re going through a hard time, no question about it. But keep in mind that while your dad and Susan might be handling things awkwardly, they’re also grieving, and they’re coming from a place of
    love.

    There’s no ideal way to handle this. It’s hard no matter what. You might keep rejecting the invitations, but they keep asking because this is a process, and they don’t want to isolate you.

    Also – men move on fast if their wives die, and they remarry quickly. I’ve seen this over and over.

16. Susan seems like a good lady, there are other women in that position that would make your life a nightmare. Life is complicated and hard, your dad just wants to move on and be happy and this woman is doing it and is also being very good to you, you don’t have to love her but give her a chance.

17. Wow what a horrible situation. My mum died 2 years ago, and whilst I’m 20 years older than you it was tough when my dad became interested in another woman. We had to have a tough talk about him trying to invite her along to family stuff and I finally drew the line when he suggested they stay over at my house. (Edit – this is where my situation differs – she was only interested in him as a friend, and I’ve since met her and she’s cool).

    Please have a chat with your dad about how you still really miss your mum, and whilst you’re glad he’s happy you feel it is disrespectful to move your mum’s BFF into the home, marry her and have a baby with her. Say you will not cause any issues but you simply cannot support the relationship, and it’s HIS DUTY AS YOUR FATHER to look after you – including caring for you in your grief.

18. Hi kiddo,

    This is really rough and I feel for you. Slightly different circumstance but my cousins kid is going through something very similar. His parents divorced when he was young and his dad recently remarried when he turned 15 to a woman 10 years older than him (cousin Is 45 new wife is 25). She’s now pregnant and I can tell how difficult it must be for him as the attention is on the new wife and the new baby and he feels left out. Personally I think they should have waited until he was out of the house and focus all their attention to launching him into adulthood but they’re very selfish people.

    I would sit down with your dad and only your dad and ask him if it would be possible to see a grief counselor to talk to your mom or if family counseling would be available. Everything you are feeling is completely valid. Your dad is avoiding his grief by throwing his time and attention into Susan instead of confronting his grief directly. You are 14 and grieving separately. You need to talk to your dad that your mom was your mom for your entire life and that she cannot and will not be replaced. That you need time to process things with Susan and that you will never see her as your mother but that doesn’t mean you hate them. And that just because you are a minor doesn’t mean they have the right to infringe on your emotional boundaries. Your dad may take it personally that you reject this new family as it may remind him that he is indeed moving on fast and it makes him feel guilty. It’s not right but grief can take many different forms.

19. Sorry for the loss of your mom, I lost my dad and I know what you are going through.

    If you look at research, men usually remarry very quickly after this type of event. So he’s actually pretty normal. And everything you’re feeling is normal. No one is forgetting you mom and it’s easy to think that, but life moves on, we remember by living, being happy and doing things.
    She knows she’s not replacing your mom. She’s just a person too trying to live. Your Dad is a man with needs for companionship and love. He deserves this.

    Please consider the big picture here. Your dad is his own person and he is lucky enough to find someone to spend his life with. Nobody is asking you to think of her like a mom, but she is a person. And your dad loves her. And after you are moved in with your life, hell still have her. I suggest supporting her as you would a family member.
    Try to avoid the cliche, petty daughter rejection of the “step” mom. You’ll soon have your life, try to enjoy this time left with them, you’ll have little sibling soon.

    My brother remarried and had babies when his kids were your age. His second wife made him so happy and was such a good presence in their lives. I never thought my brother would find his match. The kids are graduated now and on to college and he’s got toddlers and it’s really one big family with people coming and going.

    You get to decide the attitude you have and the feelings you have with this new sibling. How can a baby announcement be awkward? I’m certain she’s confused too. I think it’s acceptable to have adult, calm open hearted conversations about what you need in a relationship with her.

20. You are entitled to your thoughts on Susan, but you need to rethink your relationship with the expected child. That will be your blood relative. That baby isn’t guilty of any offense to you.

21. If your mom was sick for a long time before passing, it is possible your dad made his peace with losing her long before she actually died. It’s also true that men who had really happy marriages with their late wives tend to move on faster because they had successful marriages and are open to/ really want to feel that love again. So, your father MAY have had an affair, but he also may have just had a really healthy relationship with your mom that met a tragic end and found solace in a woman who knew her well and likely shared a lot of the same attributes (seeing as they were best friends).

    However, your step mom is completely 100% out of line for trying to replace your mom and you’re father is completely 100% out of line for not taking your feelings and YOUR grief into consideration. Even if he moved on before her death, you clearly didn’t and you’re the priority here, not him. I’m sorry you’re going through this and if you can, ask your dad to go to therapy. They’ll help you deal with the grief and changes associated with losing your mom and also how to cope with your dad being a shitty dad right now.

22. Try and give it a chance. She is trying hard, and you have to be open minded, most step moms don’t try this hard, so be thankful.

23. I would show your dad this post. There is a lot of good advice here. Hopefully this starts a good conversation and you all get therapy.

24. Write a note.

    You understand she means well but you are not there. For you, there is not room in your heart for a second mom. You still miss your mom.

    Emphasize that pushing you towards this does exactly the opposite. If they want leave the door open for a future change of heart then they need to respect where you are now.

    Use no blaming or anger to convey the message. Grief is a private journey, no one has the right to steer your heart.

    By the by, my mom died when I was 12. I am now a mother to 5 grown kids. My mother’s love has never stopped guiding me. Navigate a joyful path with her in your heart – she would want that.

25. “Dad, I think you’re trying to rationalize your decision to replace mom with her best friend by telling yourself it’s for my benefit. But if you genuinely want what’s best for me you would let me just mourn my mother without trying to force a replacement mom on me.” That should get him to back off.

26. It sounds complicated, and there isn’t a simple solution.

    For your father, people mourn at different rates. Dating someone after 8 months doesn’t mean he took your mother’s memory lightly. It’s entirely possible for him to still (and always) hold her memory dear while also moving forward with a relationship and new partner.

    At the same time, it is presumptuous of both of them to expect you to be on the same page, to want a replacement for your mother, to be involved. As children after a parent’s death, we respond differently. Some of us do come to love a step-parent like a parent. Others of us maintain distance, only able to think of them as a friend or as someone due kindness because they are our parent’s partner or because we live under the same roof. Your feelings here are 100% valid, and I’m sorry they have disregarded them.

    I would encourage you to give your father the benefit of the doubt on the relationship: he most likely cared about your mom; he’s just trying to make it in the world, same as any of us. Similarly, I would encourage them to give you the benefit of free will: you choose to feel toward them how you choose to feel, and they should be patient and understand that you may not ever feel the same toward Susan.

    A therapist or counselor would really help you figure out how to navigate this situation. In the short term, it’s possible that explaining (a) that you’ll try to treat them with respect and (b) in return you ask them to respect that you feel the way you feel without rejecting you might help. At the very least, it’s worth a try.

27. THEEEEERRRAAAPPPPYYYYY!!!! Individually for you, your dad, and your stepmom, and the whole family as well. Talk to your school counselor first.

    Your dad and your mom’s bestfriend getting married a year after she died is a big yikes.

    Your dad not talking to you after you told him how you feel is a big yikes.

28. She’s being really pushy and invasive into your life. She really needs to back off and let you come to her.

29. The only thing I disagree here, is the baby- that baby is indeed your sibling, and you shouldn’t be mad at him/her because of your issues with your dad and Susan. I think they are just processing their grief in their own way, but the baby is blameless. You should have a relationship with your half-sibling.

30. Firstly, I am so sorry for your loss. I can relate. My Mom died four years ago of Cancer. Dad died two years later of a twisted bowel. He resented MOM for dying of cigarette Cancer and he thought it didn’t have to be. That was heartbreaking each day for my sister who cared for him at his home to have to hear. Now your Dad who is happy with a new wife(mom’s bestie)is being unfairly mistreated with HER as well. Sure, If Mom was Sick, They may have had a fling prior or soon after. But it is not something to take to your grave and grudge bearing and resentment is not going to bring Mom back nor is it going to make for a happy life for you as a young teen or harmony in the home and with a new baby Coming, It is NOT NEEDED, son. Mom would NOT LIKE THAT. Dad is happy and not miserable. THAT is the main thing. Try and be an adult and strive to TRY HARDER if you LOVE DAD and still Have any Respect and love LEFT for Mom, Which I know you do. Please. This woman is trying hard. I can tell she just wants FAMILY. Time to put all resentment and hostility behind you. How would you feel if it was someone treating you shabbily?

31. Men typically move on fast after being widowed, but it doesn’t mean they didn’t care or were having an affair. Men tend to rely solely on romantic partners for emotional support, and wives often do a lot for them and they feel helpless and overwhelmed. I once had a retail job and an old gentleman came in like a babe lost in the woods; his wife had bought all his clothes for him all their lives and he didn’t really know how to shop for himself after she died.

    So I think its simply that like your father said, he felt he *needed* a new mother figure in the house and a new wife because functioning without one is impossible for him, and he and Susan trauma bonded. She also probably saw him struggling and felt like dating him was helping him. I am not saying this is healthy, just that it’s more common than you think and doesn’t mean it’s an affair, but a testament of how your dad felt he couldn’t function without your mom and to fix it he got a new wife faster than is advisable.

    But it is unfair to insist you see her as a mother; I’m sure with time you’ll see her as a step-mother, but not in anyway a stand in for yours. I also wouldn’t shut out your sibling; it’s not their fault, and you two will have your own relationship that doesn’t need to depend on how you view your Dads wife.

32. I cant imagine what you’re going through but maybe ask your dad to sit down and talk
    Bc i know it doesnt seem like it but he is probably still grieving too, people show it in different ways. But i want to tell you, hes only human, hes making mistakes by not taking your feelings seriously but id also say try to give them a chance and let them know how you’re really feeling, not in an angry conversation bc that can go south. Just tell him how you feel he moved on too fast and that you’re upset at the woman he married bc you found it disrespectful to your mom. Hearing your feelings towards it could make them understand and maybe explain themselves to you so you dont have all this anger towards them. If you dont think its a possibility to have the talk by yourselves, a councilor is probably a good idea

33. Ah yes, lets all gang on the grieving 14 yo child for not welcoming a total stranger in his life and force him into this new “family” whithout an ounce of consideration for how he must feel.

    This is going to be hard, but try at least to have a relationship with your future sibling. You are completely valid in having a beef with the parents, but the child had no say in the matter and should you find the strength to keep a relationship with him/her I believe you migth just find some respite in this suffocating situation.

34. Hey OP, I just wanted to reassure you that your feelings are valid and you’re not wrong. I went through almost the exact same situation when my mom died at 13 and my dad very quickly remarried in an effort to “find another mom for you and your sister.” For me as well it felt off that he just moved on like that and especially with someone who he had known/knew my mom before she died. And when they first announced they were expecting it was the same thing. I couldn’t hide my disappointment/ couldn’t fake being happy and I got in trouble for that. That was 10 years ago now and still to this day I’m trying to heal from everything that happened. My biggest mistake was trying to ignore it or pretend like it wasn’t bothering me as much as it should. Especially because at times I think I was never properly able to grieve the loss of my mother since I had to move on and deal with this person who had interjected themselves into my life instead.

    I wish I could tell you exactly what to do or how to make the situation better. But the truth is it’s still something I am working on. The biggest piece of advice I can give is please get in therapy. You need an outlet and a safe space where you can talk not only about your loss, but also about what’s going on with your dad without the fear of feeling judged. If you’re already in it, please stick with it. I avoided therapy for too long which is why it’s taken me this long to start healing. I’m really sorry for your loss. And I’m sorry that the parent you have left also abandoned you. Stay strong, it will get better.

35. Of course you are still grieving for your deceased mother. Please accept my condolences for your loss. But your father was entitled to find happiness again, and if your mother had a protracted illness, they both had plenty of time to prepare for the fact that she was not going to be around much longer. So although remarrying after four months felt disrespectful to you, for your father it may have felt like a very LONG period of mourning, one that started years before she died.

    Susan was very likely a huge consolation to both your mother and your father during your mom’s fatal illness. Have you considered the fact that your mother may have URGED your father to remarry quickly for your benefit, and actually may have fixed them up – or else gave her blessing to him, if he chose to date and marry Susan after she died? That has happened in quite a few happy marriages when one partner is facing near-certain death, especially if they have minor children together.

    I completely agree with you that Susan came on way too strong with you in trying to fill your mother’s shoes, when you made it very clear that you didn’t want that. But I think she has been trying very hard (TOO hard) to honor her best friend’s memory, by trying to reassure you that you are still just as loved and wanted as you were when your mother was alive. Also, the new baby IS going to be a sibling to you, whether you like it or not. So I think it’s time to call off the war with Susan, and instead find a way you can all live peacefully together. Think about it – how would your mother react to knowing you carried a grudge against your father and her best friend, for not grieving in the way you personally thought was most appropriate?

    I think your new blended family could benefit from a few sessions of family counseling, BEFORE the baby comes. You will benefit by safely airing all of your resentment and unresolved grief with the help of a trained therapist. Your dad and stepmom will finally understand the depth of the pain you have been feeling, and you can all learn better ways to move forward and start to heal from the trauma of losing your mother.

    Her death was a traumatic experience for your father and for Susan as well. You all lost someone you deeply loved, way too soon. The difference is that your father and Susan were able to find solace and comfort in their shared grief. Is that really such a horrible thing? They will always honor her memory, as will you. I wish you well.

36. Well. Of course she can never “replace” your mom. She shouldn’t try to and I don’t thing she even wants that. But at the same time, she would have probably loved you even if your mum was still alive, if she really was close to your family. So, seeing you building walls around yourself, afraid to let anyone in, is probably what makes her cry, because she really does care about you a lot.

    Maybe don’t see her as a mother, but something like an aunt? Maybe tell her you can call her an aunt, but not your mother, because you don’t want to “lose” the mom you had. Not her memories and not the name “mom” as well. Well, one way or another, you will realize, that you can never forget your mom even if you wanted to.

    But the thing is, there are still people in your life that care about you a lot. Maybe your dad isn’t the best at showing it, but i’m sure he cares. Maybe he only moved on so fast, because he didn’t know how he could fill that place in your heart on his own. If he was on his own, he might have grieved for a longer time. Did he do the right thing? Maybe not. Maybe he was just overwhelmed with the situation and wanted to give you something to hold on to. In his own foolish way.

    One thing that might hurt if i say it: If your mother loved you, she definitely wouldn’t want you to cut yourself off from the people around you for her sake. Yes, you need time to heal and maybe you don’t even want to heal, out of fear of losing even more of her. But don’t let her memory be something that holds you back. She would have wanted you to live your life. Remember what was great about her and keep those memories close to your heart. She will always be a voice in your head even if you don’t notice it, because she has raised you. So move on. Look at the people around you. Look at Susan and see a woman who more than anything wants to see you smile. Talk to her about your mom, how great she was, how you miss her, cry, let it all out. You know what will be left then? Even more neverending love for your mother… and some love for Susan as well. Love is something that grows if you share it. Like a disease. So carry that love in your heart and carry it into the world.

    Huh. Might have gone overboard in the last bit. But those are my true feelings on the matter. It is never wrong to love the people around you, or at least try.

37. How to make things better? I mean it’s simple, just try to be nice to them. It’s okay to grieve but you’re not the only one who lost your mother. While it’s fine setting up clear boundaries regarding who Susan is to you, being a bratty kid is not okay. Your Dad is in his 40’s, how long do you want him to put his life on hold? A year is fine for a someone of his age to move on. And keep in mind everyone grieves differently and is allowed to pursue happiness rather than being miserable all the time.

38. You need to talk to a therapist. I don’t see any problem with Susan or your Dad.