I unintentionally fell for a girl I met at the airport. We are several states away but we had a connection like no other id ever known. I have dated on and off the last several years but nothing that was ever serious or long at all. I am a bit shy and just not great with dating tbh, plus I was always so busy with school, etc. I met her in January of this year and finally saw her in person again a few weeks ago. Sadly things didn’t go like I had planned. We got into an argument on day 2/4 of my stay and it ruined the vibe. The fight happened after I brought up the idea of staying an extra night longer and she rejected it quickly stating she had plans. I felt bad and was quiet for the next 30 minutes or so. I felt hurt and rejected. I tried to snap out of it but it was tough. This pissed her off and we got into a huge fight. I had been looking forward to spending time with her for so long and it blew up in my face. It was a mess and full of tears. I had tried to get things back to normal, tried complementing her. I was staring at her admiring her and she replied “stop looking at me!” And I felt so hurt. That night, day 2 of my stay and we parted early.
We patched things up for the sake of the trip but I could tell things weren’t the same. What makes it worse is I thought this trip was romantic. She knew I had crazy strong feelings for her but claims she never led me on and was sorry I felt like she did. I have so many things proving how she toyed with my feelings and made me feel like she wanted more. I’m not an idiot. She was interested in me, would text me, call me, give me compliments and go along with me when I’d tell her how excited I was to see her.
We have differences regarding big things in life like kids, religion, but we connect so well. I was willing to change things about myself, open myself to new views to be with her but it doesn’t seem like that’s enough. I just don’t understand how she can act like i’m crazy. She knew how I felt and knew I was hoping for more yet didnt stop me from intensifying these feelings for her.
She knew me so well and I can’t help the way I feel about her. I overlooked so many superficial things about her and liked her for herself and nothing else. She’s older than me (33, I’m 30) and a server. I’m a physician. I didn’t give a shit. I liked her for her. Now I’m just feeling so shitty, so sad, and can’t stop thinking of her. Idk what to think anymore. Months before around April she was scared to progress with things because she was in a terrible relationship a year before and was healing and “damaged.” She didn’t want to dive into things because of our differences and wanted to protect both our feelings. So we stopped talking for a month and I tried to move on. Well, I was in another shirt relationship trying to get my mind off of her that ended badly and like an idiot texted her one lonely night. That’s when I thought things would be different and even asked if we could see each other. She seemed so interested in me again, l and said “I’d love to see you.” It seemed like she was willing to give it a chance. We were both excited to see each other. Then I finally see her and the fight happens and I’m left with such incredible sadness. A fight over me just wanting to have more time with her. A misunderstanding turned bad.
When I got back to town I told her I fell for her and was sorry it was a weird trip. Told her I felt sad and wanted more but then she pulled the old “I told you so” saying she told me long ago it would hurt more if I had feelings and saw her….that’s what made me angry. She knew I had feelings and I didn’t hide them. She acted like she was interested in me and now acts like I misled myself and not to blame her. I ignored her for a week but the pain was so intense I finally had to contact her. She apologized for unintentionally leading me on but didn’t seems to admit anything. She finally said she thought the fight changed her perception of me. She thought I was selfish and inconsiderate for behaving like that knowing she took time off from her job to stay with me. I apologized profusely for being quiet but I swear I tried to forget about things and salvage the day but she wouldn’t have it and claimed she had the right to be angry since I had “pouted” earlier. I couldn’t believe that’s how she felt. I made the sacrifice of seeing her far away and she tells me that I was selfish for feeling hurt? I have always done my best to be there for her when she needed to talk or cry. I loved talking to her, it was my favorite part of the day. I genuinely thought she was gorgeous, so beautiful. She hates complements and had a hard time accepting them claiming an extremely low self esteem. I tried so hard to make her feel good for so many months. I’ve always prided myself on being kind and considerate and to hear her tell me these things just cut me deep. It almost felt like an excuse. How can you forget everything else I did for you? All the other good things and just focus on that?
Everyone tells me not to bother. To find someone better. That there’s no point. But I don’t wanna do better. I want to be with her. It just hurts so much that she doesn’t even have the guts to be honest about leading me on after so long. Was she that bored? Was I just there for attention so she’d have something to do or someone to talk to? Her apology seemed so halfhearted and disingenuous. I asked to call her today and she never replied to me. Idk why I continue to torture myself over her. I know I can do better but I just want to be with her. I hate myself for how I feel. I feel sick imagining her with another guy but I know I should move on. I still want her in my life but I know that’s not a good idea and I’m so sad.
tl;dr: fell for a girl I met at an airport months ago. Long distance. We connected like no other connection I had ever had and I was willing to do a lot to be with her. Finally met her and it didn’t go well. Now she claims she was not interested because of our differences and wanted to protect us both. But yet continued to lead me on. But now I feel like trash and sad because she misled me and doesn’t have the guts to even admit it to me. Yet I still want her and can’t help thinking about her. I feel so sad. She was amazing.
2 comments
You need to move on. You’re trying to treat this as a transactional thing where you input compliments and praise and that will make her output a relationship. She told you she was noncommittal and that you shouldn’t expect whatever you were expecting and not get hurt. She’s not under any obligation to be what you need from her and you need to let go of this construct you’re trying to get her to live up to in your hopes.
She’s telling you what you’re looking for isn’t there and you’re getting frustrated because you want there to be.
Sometimes we fall for the potential we see in people or our idea of who they are rather than reality. That might be the case here. You’ll have to figure that out.
One other thing I noticed in your post is that you’re very upset that she won’t admit that she led you on. It would be in your best interest to let that go. Pride goeth before a fall and I think this is definitely a point that you are holding on to and it is not healthy. You can’t make people admit to things or say they’re sorry for things. We have to learn to just forgive or just let go no matter what the other person does. Its best for our own mental health and well-being.
The sad feelings are normal. I think you know in your heart it’s not going to work out and your mourning a relationship that could have been. It takes some time, but with some distance you’ll be able to move on. The hurt feelings are normal and it’s okay to feel them. What’s not okay is to harangue somebody because they didn’t meet your expectations. I’m not saying that you’re doing that but some people do, and it’s something you want to be careful to avoid. Doing those types of things also makes it that much more difficult to heal. I find that the best way for me to get over failed relationships is to have no contact for a while until my feelings start to subside. It’s hard to make yourself do that but I believe it really is the best way.