So for example I (f24) was hanging out with a female friend (22) and everything was alright, then we randomly met some of our nerdy guy friends in town who just finished some computer event (the flag hacking thing) that everyone, amateur or not could have joined. They told us a bit about it and I said to one of the guys: “That sounds so cool!! Had I known this earlier that everyone could join I would have loved to come too! Next time tell us :D” to which suddenly my female friend responded “yeah.. Because you know so much about computers xD” and this made me feel like she was putting me in the category of “notlikeothergirls” (which i really am not in because i see myself a basic b*tch!) and it just came off kinda mean. Anyways it probably wasn’t meant to come off rude and I am overreacting. But somehow it was enough to build some kind of resentment, especially because I don’t know her so well yet. It causes resentment in me because I know of myself that I would never say something like that to another person. What’s your opinion? Am I overreacting or are my feelings valid? If I am overreacting, how can I stop resenting people because of little things they say?
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Probably asserting boundaries & calling her out the second she says something you don’t like. For ex. You mentioned you don’t know eachother well so maybe saying something like (in a calm objective voice) “well you don’t know me well enough to know that about me yet or maybe I just wanted to go for fun) I struggle sm with these things to & I belive this has been the only thing to make me feel better about these situations. Seems like realistically you can’t catch it everytime either especially if you haven’t had a lot of experience with it either so probably not beat yourself up about it. Little better each day type shit.
Valid and not overreacting BUT… now you’ve got resentment, which is a chore to carry around and also, if you acquire enough of it, will make you nastier as a person. So what I suggest is to have a little conversation with yourself like “I am feeling resentful, why?” “Because _________” “Okay, well what do we want to do about it?” And then try to figure out a plan where you:
1) decide to do enough about it that you can feel yourself like “okay, that works, I can move on if I do that…”
2) figure out something that satisfies that first thing while minimizing the likelihood of ending up in a weird fight about it
It might be telling her you didn’t like how that made you feel–this is what people usually recommend, but if I’m being honest, it’s not the one I usually pick. The one I usually pick is, “okay… that person is one of those friends who roasts you and gets kinda sharp with their roasts. I’m going to remember that when I’m around them. I’m going to laugh at their jokes, and they’re probably going to get a couple from me”–not revenge, mind you. More like “okay when I hang out with this person I’m going to act a little bit like I’m at a roast.”
Had a ” friend” do kinda the same thing while they were discussing startup businesses they were talking about laundromat, security company. I was like the best one is real estate, he was like” shut up man you don’t even know” hanged out a few more times then a few months later they were acting like they were real estate moguls cause one got financed an air b and b.
I was like WTF and dont talk to either one anymore. BTW dude got shafted buying an old ass house for the price of a new one, good luck paying it off for the next 30 years.
Two faced “friends” are the worst their dumb and just there to talk big about themselves soon as you show your intellectually smarter they get threatened.
One wanted to give me a 50k job at a multi billionaire company he works at, it was a dead end job. He was acting like he was putting his reputation on the line. I was still easy in just rejecting the offer. Had I been honest and told him I wouldn’t even get out of bed for 50k and more like 30k after taxes. he’d be all mad cause I wouldn’t take the job but even worse cause I would quit so fast.
Get new friends, find ones with similar interests lifestyle and some what money.
> I resent people extremely fast if they do things I don’t like.
Yeah, I’m like that! If I wrote a list of everything that someone could say that would make me stop talking to that person it would be 100 pages long!
I would probably be writing Liz Lemon’s book from 30 Rock “That’s a Dealbreaker!”.
However, with my friends, I’m not oversensitive. I like having friends who can make fun of me a little bit. That shows that they think of me as a confident person who can take a little roasting.
So, I think it depends on your relationship with this friend. If you feel that they are a genuinely good friend, then I would say you should let this small incident go and not think about it too much.
Also, it can help to give these things a little bit of time. There was one thing my brother said to me that really, really annoyed me! But, looking back after a few weeks… it was probably just a throwaway comment.
It’s difficult to follow the advice “Don’t be too sensitive!”. But… if you can wait a few weeks then it is easier to do exactly that.
Yeah the girl was being a dick, it’s not good to stick people inboxes where they can’t expand As a person. Since she doesn’t know you properly i would consider it mean of her but mostly stupid, next time she tries to do something like that tell her she clearly doesn’t know you very well and point out it’s good to learn about new things.
I don’t know whether you resent her specifically for this comment or the fact she clearly doesn’t seem that nice and is going to be hanging out with your mutual friends 🤷♀️ I’d try talk to her about her comment. It’s annoying these things because bystanders/friends often miss it so they don’t stand up for you.
Also if you feel like your being over sensitive about something write it down, write what triggered whatever your feeling (why and how). Better clarity will help you find a solution and relieve some of your emotions (lower resentment).
Your feelings are valid. It can also be turned into a compliment because ‘pretty girls can’t be smart’ is typically the prejudice behind it.
I have had this situation happen and I always turn my head cockeyed towards the person who said it and say ‘thank you so much for the compliment, however I do know a decent amount.’
And continue your conversation with the other people. Make sure your tone is customer service level kind, you aren’t trying to be a jerk back you are just correcting them in a way they have no response to.
Half the time the person who said it doesn’t understand that prejudice is why they assumed that about you., And the people you are talking to will not let it go, they WILL ask you if you realize the person was trying to insult you.
To which you respond, “while they were trying to insult me by using the idea that pretty girls can’t be smart, which means she was also saying I was too pretty to be smart which is a compliment. ” I recommend leaving dead air for a minute or so for the entire group to process what they just got slapped with.
It’s so much fun.
Speak up right away from now on. That is the only way you can avoid resentment. Resentment is like wearing a backpack, every time you let something go or you think about the painful thing you add a rock. At first it might not feel heavy, but the longer you hold onto that backpack the more exhausting it will be.
Start firing back next time you have a opportunity to zing her back. My closest friends and I are always cramming each other up. We can be brutally honest with each other and say over the top stuff without getting hurt.