My boyfriend of 6 years who I loved with all my heart passed away in June of this year. He’d worn the same cologne since the day we met and I came to heavily associate this scent with him.
Last month, a new co-worker joined my team and as soon as he walked into the meeting room, I smelled it. My boyfriend’s cologne. I almost broke down right then and there. I excused myself and cried in the bathroom for a bit.
Since then, I can’t stand to be within a few feet of my co-worker, and I think he’s starting to notice. I avoid any lunches I know he’ll be at and don’t ever come around his office. The few times he’s come around mine, I can’t think of anything other than my boyfriend hugging me and me burying my face into his chest.
We work in a very formal environment and my interactions with my co-worker have been so far cordial and restrained. I know it’s so unprofessional but it’s impacting my work and my mental state so much that I think I have to say something to him. I know people might think it’s nothing, it’s just perfume, but it’s so so painful. I can’t focus on anything else.
What do I do? Do I risk it and tell him? Maybe even offer to buy him new cologne? Do I suck it up and learn to deal with it? The cologne isn’t very niche so I’m bound to come across someone else who wears it in the future.
42 comments
Honestly, if you have a good HR department, I wonder if you should ask them the best way to approach it? Might be a dumb idea, but they also might have some ideas…?
I’m so sorry for you loss. Yeah, I would tell the coworker mainly to explain your behavior. He shouldn’t have to get rid of the cologne, but he might not wear it if he knew it hurts you.
I would just explain it to him. If he’s not a complete dick, he’ll probably understand. It’s better than having him think you’re rude or have some personal dislike for him.
Talk to your boss and explain the situation.
Your HR department might be able to give you some paid time off to get your shit together or maybe move you to a different section for a little bit.
It’s not your fault.
It’s not his fault.
I’m sorry for your loss.
I’m so sorry. This must be incredibly hard for you. Maybe you could approach your coworker with an explanation, and then say “I don’t want you to feel like you have to, but if you have another cologne could you wear it to work? I can even buy you another scent for the inconvenience.” I think asking wouldn’t hurt anything, he might be very receptive to the idea. But if your coworker isn’t willing to switch colognes, maybe talk to your supervisor/HR to see if something could be worked out so that you’re not near him as much? Just a few ideas. Lots of love, I hope everything works out for you in this situation.
If it’s affecting you significantly, I’d suggest talking with your coworker directly. After you decide what or how much you’re comfortable sharing and what your desired outcomes would be. Along with how you’d feel toward potential compromises depending on how he reacts.
You don’t need to tell him any more about why that scent affects you than you’re comfortable.
“Your cologne triggers difficult emotions from my past. I hope you haven’t interpreted our interactions negatively. I’ve tried to not let it show but I’m worried that hasn’t been totally successful. I’d never ask you to stop using a cologne you like, but wanted you to understand why my reactions may come across as weird when you’re wearing it.”
Informs your coworker about the basics without revealing your privacy much. So if he wants more friendly kind of relations with you, he knows to wear something else to work. If you talk with him and he chooses to continue wearing that specific cologne, I’d take that as a sign for you to remain professionally distant.
Get therapy. You can’t ask everyone in your life to not wear a certain cologne.
Can you take a medical leave? Or at least some time off? You need to work through your grief so that anything which reminds you of him doesn’t trigger you so much. And you can’t really do that when you’re constantly reminded every day.
Telling your coworker this story treats the symptoms, but not the cause. And your coworker won’t be the last time this happens. You need alone time.
You need to deal with this issue. You can’t tell the coworker he can’t wear the perfume due to your previous association with the scent. You need to just be civil when he’s around and process your grief. You’re not going to be able to avoid that scent of the perfume the rest of your life.
Remember the good times with your boyfriend and realize this guy isn’t doing it to mess with you. He probably just also enjoys the scent. You should say nothing unless he specifically asks you what the problem is.
I think you should tell him. that doesn’t mean you ask him to stop wearing it because like you said you’re bound to come across someone else who wears it in the future. how you’re feeling is valid but that feeling probably won’t hurt as much forever. until then, just let the coworker know so you’re not also dealing with the stress of it impacting your relationships with your coworkers. I’m so sorry for your loss
You should explain AND work towards “getting over it”. You’re mourning – that takes time.
Tell the coworker, in as many or as few words as you feel comfortable, that your late partner wore the same scent, and that you’re not avoiding the coworker, but rather the pain.
Given this information he may choose to change his cologne on his own, that would be very compassionate on his end, but either way;
Find therapy, a support group, anything. You shouldn’t go through this alone. The pain doesn’t just go away with time, but there’s ways to cope, ways to eventually be able to revisit the memories and feel the happiness again.
Much love, he’s resting.
This is a rough one and totally understandable. First off, what is the guy like? Does he come off as friendly, understanding, respectful? Or not so much. If so and you feel comfortable you might consider writing him a note rather than talking face to face, just because it will be easier to get your thoughts into a coherent form. Id reiterate in the note that you do not EXPECT him to heed your request, but any decent person with half a heart would have no problem doing this.
Sorry about your partner. Keep your head up and keep trucking you are doing great.
Yo, widow here, 13 months out. You should also come to r/widowers for support.
I would gently suggest talking to the guy, asking if he might consider changing colognes. If he doesn’t you can find ways to get past it after that. It’s a tough situation. I’m so so sorry you’re in it.
Well most professional environments are scent free…so maybe an anonymous tip to HR.
You have to go into this conversation with realistic expectations, remember this co-worker doesn’t owe you anything and that may very well be a reality you have to face
100% talk to him and explain it. A normal mature individual will understand your feelings. You’re not being irrational.
Tell him. What he does is his choice and hopefully he understands.
Talk to him. Only an asshole would take offense to being asked to stop wearing cologne for such a valid reason. He may say no but I can’t imagine a reasonable person getting mad at you for asking. Maybe offer to buy him a new cologne to replace it if he agrees?
Just tell him. Honestly, if he’s the type of guy who wears cologne daily I bet he wouldn’t mind having a reason to try something different. Maybe he’s attached to his signature scent, but assuming a person is decent and good usually works out. Humans are mostly dangerous in packs.
hopefully unnecessary disclaimer: I don’t mean the dude you see walking alone in an alley at 4AM. but work is hopefully a safe place for that assumption.
If I was in this situation, I would ask to speak to the coworker in private, or if you’re scared of getting emotional, ask him if you can give him a letter/send an email.
In this conversation/letter I would say something along the lines of: “I know I’ve been avoiding you, and I wanted to let you know it’s not your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong, and I’m just letting you know this because I don’t want you to think it’s because of anything you did that’s wrong. My partner passed away recently, and it’s been very hard on me. He wore the same cologne as you during our entire relationship, and I’m struggling to associate that scent with anyone besides him. When I smell the cologne it makes me think of him and that is very hard for me in the workplace. It’s very hard to not focus on my grief when I should be focusing on my work. I’m sorry for avoiding you, I hope you can understand why.”
I wouldn’t ask him to change his cologne, he might do it on his own, or he might get upset by that. I would make peace with the fact that the choice isn’t up to you. I would also keep a copy of the letter/try to transcribe the conversation afterwards and date them to keep a paper trail, just in case it becomes an HR issue. I don’t think it will be, but it’s important to protect yourself. You don’t want to seem like you’re making a hostile workplace, even though you’re not trying to, there is a possibility of it being perceived that way.
I would tell him. Not so that he’ll stop wearing it, but to let him know why you like to keep physical distance. You can’t control your brain’s association with the cologne. What you’re feeling is very normal for someone who is grieving, and unless he’s a total dickhead, he’ll understand. You can something like
“Hi, this is a little odd to bring up but my boyfriend passed away back in June and he wore the same cologne you wear and because I’m still grieving his loss heavily, it’s difficult for me to be around that smell. I don’t expect you to stop wearing it, but you may notice me keeping a physical distance. It’s not personal, I’m doing my best to work through it. I really appreciate your understanding.”
Eventually you will desensitize to the smell. Grief will always be there but it gets a little less painful and not so easily triggered over time.
Wishing you the best.
Edit: It’s totally ok if you cry while telling this to him. There’s no shame in that. And if anyone tries to shame you for having emotions, they’re insensitive.
I’m so sorry for your loss. You’re still mourning and your feelings are valid. But I think telling your coworker anything has a good chance at backfiring
I can relate to this. My boyfriend passed away and every now and then I’ll smell his aqua di gio cologne and it makes my stomach drop still. I’d mention it in passing and let him decide if he wants to stop wearing it voluntarily. I’d be nice of him but he’s not obligated.
You definitely tell him. At this point there needs to be an explanation for your behavior. He deserves one.
It may be something worth writing him a note over if you don’t feel able to do it in person.
This is not a HR matter, as pp have mentioned. Unless an employee was allergic to the scent, HR have no place in this issue.
>Maybe even offer to buy him new cologne?
No, because that would be overstepping and controlling.
>I know it’s so unprofessional but it’s impacting my work and my mental state so much that I think I have to say something to him. I know people might think it’s nothing, it’s just perfume, but it’s so so painful. I can’t focus on anything else.
>What do I do?
If it’s that bad, then seriously look for another job.
Anything like you mentioning it to him, is you wanting him to stop wearing it and that’s not okay.
I’d be quite upset if a male colleague commented on my perfume, other than to say it was nice. How I dress, how I look and smell…is nobody else’s business, unless it’s a hygiene matter.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Scent is the sense most tied to memory. I can smell my late husbands cologne 12 years on and still get teary eyed. My fiancé is sweet and understanding about it. He doesn’t wear cologne so that helps too.
I would at least tell your co-worker. I’m not really sure you have the right to tell him to not wear cologne but once you tell him, he might choose not to wear it around you. That would be the best outcome.
If you actually want this to have a positive outcome, buy him a gift card to a department store for $75 or $100. Take him aside, gently explain what’s going on, ask if he wouldn’t mind not wearing it anymore.
Then apologize for the inconvenience, acknowledge the unfairness, and give him the gift card To buy an alternative cologne. If he’s a good guy, he will agree instantly, and might even refuse the gift card.
If he, for whatever reason, rejects your request, then in case the issue escalates, you can show that you went above and beyond trying to solve it in a positive way.
Pull him aside after work and explain the situation. We’re all human. I’m sure he’d understand. Better explain why your acting strange than have him assume you just hate him. If he’s a normal human he’ll just stop wearing it to work.
Also I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t even imagine losing my husband. I lost my mom 15 years ago and I still have her perfume bottle. Scent is a very powerful gateway to memory.
be polite. and ask him.
Buy him a new cologne as a gift (not a cheap shitty one) and ask if he would be able to wear it to work as you lost your love who wears the same/similar cologne to him. Apologize and say sorry for asking and that you understand if he says no. You might need to see a grief counsellor and they might have helpful advice on how to cope with smelling that smell.
i don’t think you have any right to ask him to switch colognes, but you should still let him know regardless. something like “hey I’m sorry if it seems like I’ve been avoiding you but it’s just that your cologne reminds me of someone that recently passed and it’s been very difficult.” he might be amenable to wearing a new cologne, but approaching the situation by making that request is a no-go in my opinion.
it’s tough, but so is managing grief. wishing you the best in your healing journey.
Just talk to him. He will understand
I’m so sorry for your loss, I wish you so much light and love in your grief. Since it’s a cologne you’ll run into, I think you should try to find a way to let it be positive for you. I know all reminders are painful right now, but there’s a way through that to where when you smell that cologne, you’ll remember good times instead of bad. I recommend that whenever you smell the cologne, you take a deep breath and try to take your mind away from the end of your story and put it somewhere in the middle. Some good day with your man smelling good where you had fun and felt great. This will also help you with your grief, and remind you that the reason you’re so sad is because he was so good, and remembering his goodness is important. ❤️
The literal definition of a you problem
I think you need to get into therapy. This man won’t be the only one you meet who wears this cologne. You’re going to have to find a way to cope with it. Asking this one person to alter his life for you isn’t a permanent solution, what about the next, and the next?
I’m so sorry for your loss. If you find the idea of talking to your coworker about this too intense, is there a third party (like another coworker or someone who interacts with you both) that you would trust to tactfully pull him aside and give him a heads up so that you don’t have to? I can imagine that if you were in his position you would want to know.
I think telling him what’s going on would be a good first step. I’d see if he offers to stop wearing it first.
That said, don’t most offices have no perfume/cologne policies?
That is alot. Smell of the cologne. It like brings you right back there right back with him. I lost my bf of 10 years too and on the very few rare occasions someone smells like he did with his cologne it just all comes back.
Many others have offered good advice here. I’ll just say… if I was the coworker, and you came to me with this? I would IMMEDIATELY stop wearing it. It’s cologne. There are other colognes out there. And I would understand entirely.
Many others have already offered good advice. I just wanted to say I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my sister 6.5 years ago and we had her body in our home for a few days before the funeral. The make-up they put on her smelled quite strong. When I encountered someone wearing that make-up (a reasonably popular brand here in Australia with middle aged and older women) it was like a visceral gut punch. Thankfully I didn’t have to work with anyone who wore it though, it was mostly brief customer encounters. But it got better after a couple of years and I don’t have such a strong reaction anymore. It still reminds me of her, but the emotions aren’t so negative and powerful. It does get better. Please seek therapy if you can – having some help to healthily process your grief is beneficial.
First let me say I am sorry for your loss, I can identify by losing a mate early. I am not sure if you can do anything, you could politely say something. He might or might not change the behavior, so you may need to stay out of his way until it passes or as long as you can. It will get easier.
First, I’m sorry for your loss.
As far as the issue-Don’t bring it up. It’s going to make the work environment awkward. This is a cologne that is available all over the world. You cannot expect every single person to stop wearing it.
Please look into grieve counseling