For context my boyfriend is very quiet and awkward (like me) and has a hard time talking to people, yesterday we were at my grandparents for dinner, me and grandma were chatting and having a catch up and me and granddad were having debates about politics. Whilst my bf just sits and stares at us allfor 4 hours. He is not this way when its just me and him, when we are alone we have quite good conversations. Tonight my boyfriend barely said more than 10 words and i feel it made my grandparents uncomfortable. My grandparents served dinner and my bf didn’t say anything other than thank you. I feel he is coming across as being rude and ungrateful. This is why my parents do not like him and dont want him to come round to my house. When we left it was like a switch flicked and my boyfriend kept chatting to me about his day. I asked him why he never spoke and he said he just never knows what to say and hes really shy and he will try to “be better” next time. The thing is ive been with him for 3 years and it is just the way he is. And now i have upset him because he says he now feels like a plank, and now i feel terrible for making him feel like a bad person. Also it’s unconfirmed but highly suspected my bf is mildly austistic. What should i do?
TLDR: my bf is very shy and doesn’t speak and i dont know what to do.
14 comments
Leave him alone. Tell your family/grandparents this is just who he is and he’s shy and doesn’t know what to say. He expressed gratitude when he said thank you. It doesn’t sound like he’s doing anything on purpose to upset anyone.
It doesn’t sound like you or your grandparents made much of an effort to include your boyfriend in conversation either. Debates about politics can be tricky with people you don’t know (worrying about offending someone or about things escalating to a hostile argument), and it’s not like he could easily participate in you catching up with your grandma. Since you are the connection between your grandparents and your boyfriend, you can help them out by bringing up topics you know your boyfriend and one or both of your grandparents are interested in. Ask him questions to help him open up.
Ultimately, he’s not going to get over being shy just because you tell him to talk more. He’ll likely open up more as he gets more comfortable and familiar with your family. But you can help that process along by facilitating conversation.
I would rather put my head in an oven than have to tip-toe around talking to an older in-law about politics. And he can’t involve himself with a conversation of catching up between you and your grandma, so his only option is to sit around.
Listening to you and your grandpa debate politics is like the 9th circle of hell to me. You’d be happy I managed to be quiet … I think that was what was unbelievably rude to be quite honest
I notice at no point did you mention anyone initiating conversation with him. If he’s shy he’s unlikely to start interjecting himself into conversations between others, even if it’s a kind of community conversation. This is especially true if all the other people talking are an already established group or family. If they want him to talk, they’re going to have to initiate the conversation with him and avoid sensitive topics until he’s relatively comfortable with them.
im asking for advice, because my social skills are shit and i want to avoid this in future, i dont need to be berated, I already know the situation wasnt right
I have to say, I’m very much like your boyfriend – I am often quiet in group settings to the point I feel like I’m making others view me as a dumb or a rude person. It’s not that I don’t want to talk, it’s just that I don’t know how and what to say. I feel especially uncomfortable when I feel that others in the group don’t like me or think I’m weird. That just makes me shut down even more.
That being said, it would be really nice of you if you talked to your parents/grandparents and told them about his shyness, and ask of them to initiate conversation with him and show him they are genuinely happy to see him and hear from him.
My boyfriend’s parents do this for me – they see how awkward and shy I am, so they always greet me very enthusiastically, they ask me questions, initiate conversation and never make me feel shitty when I’m quiet for too long. I am so unbelievably grateful for that. I also find it much easier to talk to them now, and every time I see them I am less and less quiet.
There, hope this helps you understand him a little better 🙂 Best of luck!
Go right now and read “Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking” so you can start understanding him.
Ideally I think such a situation should be a bit of a group effort, where everyone kind of tries to give/take turns with attention & the topics are casual get-to-know-you kind of talk. (Or something else that’s very casual, easy for anyone to comment.) It’s awkward and a little boring for everyone at first, but gets easier when people know a little more of each others’ lives, interests and opinions.
So you’d knowingly avoid shutting someone out of the conversation and leave 1 to 1 stuff for later / at minimum, because that’s polite and makes the whole thing a nicer experience.
Like many said, there was little room for your bf in those topics you had to join in, if at all. Very uncomfortable even for a more social person and if he is shy, well I’m glad he is still alive hahah.
“I know my boyfriend is shy and struggles with social cues/conversational flow, and also my family and I made absolutely no effort to include him in our patterns of conversation. And can you believe it, he just sat there and barely talked! So rude.”
I realize that’s putting it a little harshly, but you’re being the unreasonable one here, and you have all the information to see it, but you’re not putting the pieces together. Let’s say your boyfriend is shy and quiet and a little autistic. He’s gotten good at talking to you one on one (a common autistic thing, by the by) because he’s familiar with how conversational flow works with you. He’s not familiar with how it works in your family. All conversations have lots and lots of unwritten rules, and you’re making a (very neurotypical) assumption that he should be able to just figure it out, and if he doesn’t it must be because he doesn’t care.
But what if he actually just can’t figure it out? And being in the middle of that with no help at all is super stressful. I’d clam up too.
There may not be a great way to include him in those conversations, but you could try, or at least change your mindset so you realize that this isn’t something he’s “doing to you” or that it’s some kind of rudeness. This is a skill he doesn’t have, that’s difficult as heck to learn, and you are doing him zero favors by expecting him to already know it and thinking it’s some kind of character flaw when he doesn’t.
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**Edit:** I just read some of your comments below and it seems like part of the problem is that you *also* don’t have the social skills to easily include him in conversations. Fair enough! But in that case, the problem is that your family are the ones making a bunch of assumptions about his character based on his conversational issues, and honestly, past some point, your moves are basically go “well, then help me include him instead of folding your arms and expecting the probably-autistic guy to do all the work of talking on your terms”, or just kinda stop bringing him around. He doesn’t deserve that treatment and neither do you.
When bf and his fam get into politics I absolutely do not get involved in that conversation. No way in hell.
I think there is probably a good way to compromise on this. If your boyfriend doesn’t know what to say, what he should be doing is talking to you afterwards about how you can better include him. When you’re at a place where you know the people better than he does, part of your role should always be to find ways to include him. So if your grandfather mentions something he likes, you can bring your bf in by saying “oh, bf was just telling me about that same thing the other day.” (Ask you bf ahead of time whether he would like that, of course.)
Anyway, this can be a “you and bf working on the situation” thing rather than a “he just needs to talk more” thing. He likely already blames himself for being shy, so it might take a bit of compassion on your part to really assure him that you two are working *together* on this.
Finally, I’m sure you know by now that this issue is kind of part of who your boyfriend is. It’s a “cost of doing business” when it comes to dating him. If you’re not willing to work through it with him as equal partners facing this challenge together (which not everyone would be!) then maybe it could be time to part ways. Or if you can’t find a way to talk to him about it such that he can see it as something you two can work on together, that could also be a sign that it can’t work out.
It sounds like you aren’t making any effort to involve him in these conversations. Did your grandparents bother asking about his interests, family, job, or whatever else? Sounds like they’re the rude ones. You aren’t being a good partner to him for blaming him for being quiet when any other person would likely feel the same…?
rather than getting pissy at him maybe start trying to understand him. your fam sounds like the problem