I(33m) started seeing my girlfriend (25f) of 3 years when her daughter was 1, she is now 4, I’ve raised this little girl as my own, my family see her as mine and the little girl definitely does as I’m her favourite. Recently she has started making bedtime difficult most nights, kicking up a huge fuss until she gets to sleep in mummy and daddy’s bed as she knows my girlfriend will cave eventually, the issue is my girlfriend makes a huge fuss about the 3 of us being in the bed, so I get sent into my daughters bedroom to sleep as although my girlfriend says she sees me as the father, she refuses to be the one to leave the bed. So far it is 4 nights this week I’ve been kicked out of my bed, I’m fed up of continuously doing 12 hour shifts most days, then getting woken at 1/2 am to get pushed out of my bed.
Am I expecting too much in asking for a 50/50 relationship? I asked her tonight during an argument why it’s always got to be me, her reply was that it was weird I expected to be in a bed alone with my daughter and that no other sane Man would expect to be left in a bed alone with their daughter. I don’t see the problem, she’s my daughter not some random child, it’s making me rethink the entire relationship if I’m always going to be treated as if my daughter isn’t mine. How do I get over this sudden change, I’m physically worn out and emotionally drained and honestly need some advice on how to get her to see it’s unfair to expect me to lose sleep because she wants an easy night.
49 comments
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The mother needs to put the daughter back to bed.
Then you both get to sleep.
If shes going to act like youre a predator after raising her kid, thats a big red flag. My niece and nephew dont know their bio dad, my sisters ex husband has been their dad since he was three and she was born. When my sister bailed on them, he stuck around. Both of them have climbed in bed with him at night if they get scared or dont want to be alone. Plenty of non bio parents let their young ones come to their beds. The only reason anyone would find something wrong with that is if they think youre going to molest them or something, and if thats what your partner thinks of you, there should be therapy for you guys at the very least.
A. Daughter needs to be retrained to sleep in her own bed. B. Get a bigger bed C. Bring in her bed in to the room. I would go with A.
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>her reply was that it was weird I expected to be in a bed alone with my daughter and that no other sane Man would expect to be left in a bed alone with their daughter.
Your gf treating you like you’re a pedophile for suggesting you’d like to remain asleep when a toddler crawls into your bed is not only stupid but also a huge red flag. Yikes.
No. Her daughter in her own bed. Period. That boundary is really important. Very similar experience. Please for the sake of the child and you don’t let this continue regularly. I’ve been there and I have empathetic views on why mom wants child in bed but I personally don’t think this is healthy behavior
Why doesn’t her mother sleep train her? One night here or there when baby is sick or tired is reasonable, but every other night is not great.
Relationship is over. Have her move out immediately. You took on the stepfather role and she said
>that it was weird I expected to be in a bed alone with my daughter and that no other sane Man would expect to be left in a bed alone with their daughter.
That’s enough for me to end it. It’ll suck and you’ll miss them but she showed her hand with that statement. Sorry and Good luck.
I hate to break it to you bro but you’re just a doormat
Get a little bed she can sleep in for your bedroom.
GF needs to either take her back to her room and stay until she falls back to sleep or make her daughter a little bed in your room.
Whatever the mom thinks about you in bed with her kiddo, her actions have shown you that you have no real say in the raising of that child. Chew on that one for a minute…
So in other words, you are good enough to provide financial, emotional and parental support….***then*** you are her dad but on this issue, you are deemed to be dangerous?
You have a girlfriend problem and not a “daughter getting me kicked out of bed” problem
Frankly, friend, it sounds like this is a really tough situation. You said that your daughter was 1 year old when the two of you met, meaning that your girlfriend would have been 21 at the time. Honestly, it sounds like she’s absolutely exhausted. However, the way she’s choosing to deal with it is a *huge* issue.
– You noted that, for work, your days end up being 12 hours long.
– To clarify, you said that your daughter’s been having sleep issues “recently”. Has it been like, a month, a week? It’s at least been 4 days this week.
– When it comes to sharing the space, you are *always* the one who has to sleep somewhere else. You try bringing this up, (here is where you honestly should reconsider if this is someone you’re willing to work on a relationship with) and, while not in as many words, your girlfriend implies that you wanting to sleep through the night if you daughter needs some sleep comfort is *equivalent to you acting in a sexual way to this child*.
I can get if she’s burnt out and feels like she needs rest, but your girlfriend chose to exploit your love for this child you’ve helped raise to get what she wanted, in this case you taking care of everything. Considering I don’t even know what your girlfriend *does* in this relationship I can see why you’re the favourite parent
Omg you guys are so stupid. Leaving isn’t always the solution. Does she work? If not, have her take your daughter back to her room. Every time. If you both work, then trade off. Or as someone else suggested, get her a little bed. But as a mom of 5 kids, do not continue to let this happen. It will go on forever.
I’m sorry but she’s a major red flag, to make you seem like a predator for simply wanting to sleep in YOUR OWN BED rather than your daughters then she obviously doesn’t trust you and that’s not healthy in a relationship.
You’re applying the wrong solution. The daughter needs to sleep in her own bed. Period. Our youngest had similar period in his life, where he wanted to sleep in our bed. The solution is not to give in, the solution is putting her back in her own bed.
Move somewhere else for a while. Tell her you come back when her daughter sleeps in her own bed.
If she keeps on allowing it, your girlfriend is going to create a habit that is going to be very hard to break later. When my daughter was 4 she also started going through a phase of sleeping terribly. We let her sleep in our bed once or twice, but neither of us slept well so we decided to nip it in the bud fast. Every single time she got up, I’d just take her straight back to her bed. There were tears and a very unhappy 4 year old for about 2 weeks but eventually she got the message that no amount of tantrums would get her in our bed. Quite soon she was back to sleeping through the night happily in her own bed. If she had a nightmare she was allowed to sleep on the cushions on the floor in our bedroom, but not in the bed. That was the rule.
It’s not 50/50 bro, it’s 100/100. And what tf does she know about other dads sleeping with their daughter, especially in the sick manner she was insisting? I have four daughters and there has been more times than I can count that one of them couldn’t sleep and would sleep with me. If mommy is sick and can’t tend do them, I step in. If they had a bad dream, I’ll lay in their bed until they fall asleep. It is COMPLETELY normal for a dad to sleep with their little girl. Same as a mom.
You are ice skating uphill bro. Not only is your daughter putting up a fuss about going to bed, but your girlfriend is encouraging it and kicking you out. Now, you’re fighting her to stay in your own bed. She shouldn’t be discouraging you, making you feel like your not the dad. She should be praising you for stepping up and raising another man’s child. I give you huge respect for that.
If she can’t listen and compromise, you may need to walk away from this relationship. I know it may hurt, but this isn’t healthy at all that you feel or are being treated this way. One day, you will find someone who appreciates your hard work and love you more for wanting to cuddle with your baby girl/boy.
2 problems. Suggesting that being in bed alone – means she doesn’t trust you, being in bed doesn’t mean anything, abuse happens anywhere, so exactly what is she suggesting? That you would do something in your own bed to your daughter because you have thrown out your girlfriend, just ewww. Now I know SA happens but the assumption implied here is that she is allowing abuse by leaving the room, whereas abuse is often hidden and secret, nothing about this suggests any form of risk.
2nd problem – overly permissive parenting, consistently saying no then yes is a recipe for horrible behaviour from a child. Consistency in parenting, say no and mean no, or don’t say no unless you have thought it through carefully. Otherwise you get no respect, whining children who don’t listen when you say no because you have taught them that you don’t mean what you say and that there are no or little consequences for insisting on your own way. Children need boundaries and structure and respect for their parents as their parents give respect to them.
I appreciate that the middle of the night is hard work, so she should practice having the child fall back asleep in her own bed, even if it means sleeping in with her for a while or whatever works, but absolutely not making you get up out of your bed.
I would suggest that you split the sleep issue and take turns sleeping in her room until she settles back into a routine. Think about ways for her to self soothe.
And then have a long talk about expectations of being a parent as not being on the same page parenting choices even if you are not the one enforcing rules will lead to resentment and eventual split and that will hurt this child a lot. Find out what exactly she is suggesting and tell her how it sounds to you as it is important to clarify what she is communicating to you.
This is entirely unacceptable. My kids have never and will never sleep in my bed when it’s bed time. That is your bed. You get to sleep in it.
My bf of 4 years is the only father figure my 5 year old daughter knows. So I get this. And I would have no problem at all if he wanted to be the one to sleep with her instead of me. My daughter has slept with me since birth and I still sleep with her so our situation is a little different. But I am expecting baby no 2 in 6 weeks and we’ve discussed the sleeping arrangements. I can’t have her sleeping next to the newborn (too risky), so we have decided that he will be sleeping with her until the baby gets bigger (then I’ll probably be sleeping with both unless she wants to begin sleep on her own which I have not sleep trained her at all but she is starting to want to sleep on her own by herself). If it were me, I’d just go to sleep with her in her bed and let you get your sleep in your bed. That’s just me though
Child needs to realise that she stays in her own bed, this is lazy parenting on moms part. She needs to steer the child back to her own bed, lie down with her, soothe her back to sleep, rinse and repeat, every single time. I know it can be difficult, especially if you’re groggy with sleep but you persist with potty training so they aren’t wearing nappies for ever, so what’s wrong in establishing a proper nighttime routine? We’ve had three kids and have never had an issue with guiding them and settling them in their own beds, especially when hubby had a long day of work ahead of him.
When you are not the biological father you have to think about all the stuff that can cause you legal consequences because they are not your children.
Put her to bed, normal routine, story etc, then if she gets up – you just put her back and explain this is her bed and she sleeps her. Everytime time she gets up after that, you just put her back to bed, no talking etc. This will go on for a few weeks but works.
Just ave to be very firm. Kind but firm.
My kid is 6 and still not ready to sleep in her own room All night. We decided instead of her disrupting our sleep in our bed, to make a mattress on the floor accessible. So we sleep in our bed and in the morning when we wake up she’s snuck into her makeshift bed on the floor. Sometimes she snuggles up against me but after a bit she’s sent back to her bed.
Being a single mom would be terrifying. You hear about creeper grooming stepdads all the time. Every one of those moms loved and trusted the guy. Do not fault your gf for being cautious. Bit there is another solution here. That kid needs to stay in her room. Failing that, a sleeping bag on the floor in your room. But this will go on forever if you let it.
Let your daughter sleep on the floor. Tell her she isn’t allowed on the bed anymore. But your gf has a problem. It’s not weird to be a trusted parent. Either there is trust or there isn’t.
I can understand a parent having reservations about someone who is not the biological father but you’re not just some guy. You’ve checked off enough items to play the role of dad, step dad or guardian so this treatment is unwarranted.
Have a serious discussion with your SO and lay it out. If she can’t compromise then obviously you’re not a priority and you should leave to prioritize yourself. That means taking your financial and emotional support with you.
( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ain’t no way.
Honestly this why I respect men willing to date single moms, but I could never in a million years do it myself. Always some unilateral expectation.
This woman actually doesn’t give a dang about you OP. No one would take such actions without thinking how it affects you unless you were low on their priority list.
Essentially accusing you of being a predator is a deal breaker.
Now if by some chance, the daughter were someday to tell her Mom she finds you “creepy”, even if it’s for no particular reason, what chance do you think you’ll have? You may very well now be a future sitting duck…
The kid need to sleep in her room. This is going to wear you down if not fixed promptly
I don’t understand why the 3 of you can’t sleep in the bed together? If your bed is too small then either send the kid back or get a camping cot or something that can easily and quickly be deployed in your room.
What is with these ladies accusing dudes of being pedos? If you thought your partner was dangerous like that, why have them around your kid at all? Little one should definitely be transitioning to her own bed, maybe make a fun day of choosing a new bed spread and stuffed animal.
Ok so the real issue here is getting your daughter to go back to sleeping in her own room. Sleep training will help. Gotta find a way to stop this before it gets worse.
Time to get yourself your own bed, in your own home and without this relationship.
She sees you as nothing more than a wallet that will rape her daughter the first change it gets.
There are too many stories of dads, boyfriends & others abusing girls for mom to not take the risk of abuse seriously. You might know you aren’t a risk, but your partner doesn’t and she’s right to protect her daughter from the potential risk.
You and your partner need to come up with a plan when you’re both awake that allows you to sleep well.
Mom could sleep on kiddo’s floor, you could get a better bed for the kid that you won’t mind sleeping on, you could get yourselves a bigger bed.
Your
a lot of people are adding very valid points here. I just want to add, that there are lots of women, LOTS, who were SA’d as kids. It’s always someone in the family. A cousin, An uncle, a step dad. And its not unheard of for a dad or step dad to SA the kid. In most cases the spouse never believes the child. And the kid grows up completely psychologically destroyed. Maybe she is being paranoid, but you could also say, she’s being overprotective. Wouldnt you, she rather be 100% sure that her daughter is safe, than not? you dont know, maybe she went through something herself as a kid and is skittish and nervous and uncomfortable talking about it with you. Maybe she knows someone who went through something like this and is being over cautious with her own child.
A lot of times, men ignore these things because they dont even have to consider it. You (to a lot of people commenting) might be a good man. Doesnt mean every man is a good man. We know the numbers, we know the stats. wouldnt you she rather be extra careful than sorry? i would sit down and have multiple conversations with her. conversations and not fights. Get a councilor/therapist involved and see where that takes you. only after the sessions, make up your mind about the relationship.
For context : I was SA’d by my uncle. I told my mom and she didnt believe me. At the same time I never felt uncomfortable around my own dad. To this day i nap with him if we’re watching TV together, or I sit on his lap etc and I’m 31. I feel safe and secure and comfortable around my dad. But everyone does not have that privilege. After i started dealing with the SA in therapy, i talked about it for the first time with a few GF’s. And you wont believe how many of them came forward with near identical stories. Almost all of them had been through something similar. Theres real tragedy in that.
So before attacking her and judging her, take a moment and ask yourself why the fear. Why the discomfort. And if you’re genuinely a good person, then that would be the issue you would be tackling. Because something is clearly up. for all you know, she’s dealing with her own trauma, and trying to keep her daughter safe.
You need to cut off the daughter sleeping in the bed with you. That should be the focus, not which of you stays with your daughter in your bed.
If you let the daughter be “in charge” she will continue to try to be. Draw a line. Don’t give in anymore.
Working 12 hour shifts to raise another man’s child, while still getting kicked out of your own bed, and when you bring it up, you basically get called a pedophile… bruh.
This is either fake or you’re doormat of the year OP.
She doesn’t trust you, and that child is not yours.
I think you know what you’re supposed to do(leave)
This is a totally normal thing at this age and kids usually grow out of it. Your GF should just continue to carry her back into her bed. A couple of weeks of this is usually enough if she is consistent. Or you and your GF can take turns laying in your daughter’s bed and reading her books until she falls asleep and then sneak out. Try maybe a white noise maker too… and sometimes new bedding of their choosing helps. A friend of mind got her daughter a princess-tent thing that goes over the bed and now she loves sleeping in her own room. And just keep reiterating that she is a big girl now and big kids sleep in their own space. It takes time and will test your nerves, but it is a very normal occurrence with a lot of kids and you will both be able to move past this.
The bigger issue here is your GF treating you like your daughter is not yours. Just because she is not your biological daughter does not make her any less yours. I think you and your GF need to have a serious talk about by you sleeping in bed with your toddler daughter would be seen as weird or icky to her. My kids want to sleep in my bed with me whenever they are not feeling well. I snuggle my sons and I’ve never found it to be weird. Comforting your kid and cuddling them shows them they are loved and makes them feel secure.
Mom needs to put her foot down, and put daughter back to bed. It’s hard, and she will put up a fuss but it’s important to just keep taking her back to bed. If it’s not taken care of now, it will move onto other things as well. You both need proper sleep, I think her saying you sleeping in the bed alone with her being weird , is weird. Given the circumstances, you are the man that’s raised her. I think it’s important for the two of you to sit down and chat so you can get your feelings out and maybe she can better clarify what’s going on in her head as well.
I’m wondering why you, as a childless 30 year old, thought that dating a 21 year old single parent would turn out well. Almost a decade as an age gap and evidently very different lived experiences and opinions. I’m not saying it’d never work but the odds aren’t in your favour there.
Pick up a resource on sleep training. Share it with girlfriend. Come up with a sleep plan together. Girlfriend gets up one night and takes her back to bed… maybe ends up falling asleep there and you do it the next night. Daughter doesn’t sleep in your bed alone with either of you until you work this out. While I don’t think this is the POV to use, in theory her mom could just as easily abuse her being alone in bed with her. Why are you the threat? That’s where your discussion needs to head. Try some couples counseling if you can’t discuss this without arguing. If girlfriend saw you as a safe, this would be a moot point. So the question is why doesn’t she? Has she been SA’d? In no way am I saying you’re not safe, it sounds like you love this little girl and are her father. Something is off with the gf, find out what it is. Good luck and get some sleep in a real bed!