My girlfriend (35F) and I (33M) have been dating for three years and living together for two years. For the past year and a half (give or take), though, there was a significant, abrupt decrease in the frequency of sex. (Mind you, I’m not talking about those first weeks when you don’t leave the bed — I mean going from a stable frequency of twice a week to once a month or less.) She doesn’t initiate sex anymore, and when I try to, most of the times she either says “maybe later” or she simply says she is not in the mood.
The first time I talked to her about this, she said it was because she put on some weight, and she didn’t feel “sexy”. She said things would go back to normal once she lost those extra pounds. I assured her I never stopped finding her sexy, but I respected her feelings and gave her time.
Now, a year passed, she lost about 10 kg/22 pounds, but nothing changed. I talked to her again and tried to figure out the real reason behind her low sex drive (obviously it wasn’t the extra pounds). I myself put on some extra weight since we met, and I have been quite stressed, so I asked her if it was me who was putting her off. She has repeatedly assured me it has nothing to do with me. But whenever I ask her what she thinks may be the problem, she now just replies “I don’t know” and shuts herself off, mildly upset.
I don’t know what to do now. She obviously doesn’t want to talk it out anymore (I tried on different occasions, and was always careful not to be insistent), and that becomes a serious concern for me, because I’m not happy with our sex life and without talking, there’s no end in sight to the problem.
Any advice?
Thanks for reading.
28 comments
Something turned her off to sex. Hard to figure that out How is your relationship otherwise nonsex
i’m in the same situation with my boyfriend. i understand your frustration
Couples therapy might be needed. Therapist usually can get both of you to talk In a place where you are both comfortable.
This sounds harsh but this is grounds for a breakup.
You have a partner that is having a problem with getting intimate and won’t try to help themselves or you understand and move forward.
If it were me, I’d start to think somethings happened.
Does she take some medications? There are some that reduce the sex drive. Otherwise you can just try to sit down and have a calm and serious discussion with her and make her clear that this is something that dangers the relationship. Often the help of a third person could help so that the situation doesn’t escalate, so couple counseling dould really be helpful.
Anyone who doesn’t want to have sex with their partner knows why, and if they say “I don’t know” it’s because they think the answer would hurt the other person. If everything else in the relationship is going great then there’s a high chance she’s scared this 1 area of the relationship will be the end of it.
Your concerns about your sex life are 100% valid. Sex is a very important part of a relationship to a lot of people and it is to you (it is to me as well). If sex is not important to her but it is very important to you and she refuses to ever talk about it, couples counseling would be the next step imo. It’s like if travel was an important part of our life but our partner (who is great in all other aspects of the relationship) doesn’t wanna travel due to anxiety, then we have to make a choice of sacrificing something important to be in the relationship, or face the fact that although everything else is fantastic this is major incompatibility. It’s a huge bummer but people gotta make a choice to sacrifice for their relationship or find a relationship where the thing that’s important to you in a relationship is also important to them.
Have you made it clear to her how this is making you feel? You mention asking her if she can think of the reason for the dip in her sex drive but didn’t mention if you’ve been blunt about your feelings over it. It could be that you’ve reached a status quo that she is happy with while being completely unaware of how distressed you are over it.
Maybe it’s time to have one last conversation to let her know you’d like to explore therapy before other options…other options being you find a more compatible partner. Sometimes people need to realize what they’re about to lose before they’ll take the time to practice self awareness.
I also am going to say that this is a perfectly valid reason to break up with her.
She’s had low sex drive for you for the last year and a half, she doesn’t initiate anymore, and when you try to talk about it she refuses and gets upset.
You said yourself that you seem to be the only one frustrated by the lack of sex, so she doesn’t see this as a problem that you have as a couple. She’s not invested in solving the problem, and at this point her actions can be interpreted as wanting you to shut up about it and accept things the way they are, fix yourself so you’re not miserable with a massive lack of sex and a partner that does not desire you.
You’ve spent more than a third of your relationship unhappy due to a lack of a vital aspect (sex and mutual desire). That ratio is only going to get larger. My advice is to leave before you spend any more time unhappy with a partner who doesn’t desire you. Life is too short for that.
You’re not alone in this. I’d say about more than half of us in a relationship feel this way from time to time.
reddit will tell you to do most of the house chores and seduce her every day in a different way
Sex is important and the lack of sex is a issue. The continuance of not being able to bond in that aspect exceedingly so. If she’s not willing to talk about it she doesn’t want to be with you as communication is a relationship nd without it there isn’t one
it’s probably over. people like her shouldn’t be in a relationship when they can’t communicate and shut down on you.
i highly doubt she would go to couple’s therapy. you need to break up with her.
Try r/deadbedrooms
It can be a bit shocking at first but there is good information sprinked all through there. I do suggest becoming a bit more direct with this issue the longer you let this go the harder it will be to fix and the more the resentment and anger will build.
There are so many reasons why a woman’s sex drive could wane – she may have a hormooilnal imbalance, depression or anxiety, or a physical condition that affects her overall health.
I would suggest she visit a doctor for a check-up and blood work first. The problem isn’t typically “Yep, I don’t have a drive anymore” with absolutely no reason
Unfortunately, there could be many things that would kill her sex drive. I’m honestly surprised someone hasn’t mention sexual assault. That would for sure kill her sex drive. Maybe she had a pregnancy scare she hasn’t told you about. She could be depressed/stressed. What is her job? Many caretakers become “touched out”. When I was working in childcare, sex was the last thing on my mind. My husband was not happy, but also didn’t understand that it was not a priority for me. That was a fun time. Maybe you said something that stuck with her. I know a year and a half is a long time to harp on something, but if y’all struggle to communicate properly, this seems a possibility. Maybe she’s cheating. Some people shut out their partners sex wise because they are getting it elsewhere and some people get more turned on having their cake yada yada yada.
My issue isn’t so much not having sex, it’s the lack of communication. Basically tell her, I have tried to find out what’s going on. I enjoy having sex with you but it hurts me more that you won’t open up to me about what’s going on more than not having sex. I just want to make sure that you are ok. Would you be willing to go to a couples counselor with me?
Don’t make her feel bad, but let her know you are concerned for her well being.
Edit to add info after reading a couple of comments. …. There are some people that don’t really like sex and are okay without it. It could be that she was interested in the beginning but it just isn’t for her or she was going along with it for you. Of course that’s not fair to you. If she has always had a hard time opening up to you, that could be a deal breaker. Just to reiterate, the communication is the biggest issue here, not the lack of sex.
Check out r/deadbedrooms
This has been my experience as a 26y/o female who’e libido fluctuates a lot: I have found that in my case it is 99% unrelated to my partner and actually stems from my own body.
When my libido goes down my creativity and will to create art go down with it.
I don’t take birth control nor any other meds. A woman’s body is following a cycle, and at different parts of my menstrual cycle I have a different libido. Tracking my period is super beneficial in understanding my libido and emotions fluctuations over time.
For the majority of the cycle I have low libido and stable emotions, right before my period I have intense emotions and low mood, and right after my period I have high libido and an elated mood for a few days. It also correlates with ovulation.
A man’s body doesn’t follow a cycle so it’s more “static”, meaning you basically have the same libido and emotional level all the time (unless mental illness or other factors are involved).
The only thing that sometimes turns me off that is related to my partner is bad breath, but that can be communicated to him and fixed easily.
Basically what I’m saying is, I believe when she says she doesn’t know what’s causing her low libido, she actually means it. She doesn’t know that it’s her body’s natural cycle but that’s what it probably is (again, unless she has mental illness or takes meds). She probably feels ashamed and guilty about this but instead of trying to address the issue she chooses to shut in. That is the true issue here.
And one final thing: sex is not just about satisfying an urge, but also about passion and an emotional connection to your partner. Sometimes, even if I’m not horny, I will have sex with my partner because I want to experience a deep emotional connection.
It’s very common for a long term partner to lose sexual attraction. Frequently, they don’t know why they’ve lost attraction, and they feel pressure to feel a certain way. Read mating in captivity.
If a break up happens, their next relationship will have plenty of sexual attraction.
Is she on birth control?
This sounds a lot like what happened to my wife after a year of marriage. Turns out she had severe childhood sexual trauma that resurfaced. I wouldn’t be surprised if your GF has trauma.
Leave.
Just know, if you get married this more than likely won’t improve.
C’mon, Watson, it’s all right there.
Something happened, she knows exactly what that is, she doesn’t care to reveal it. Why not? Because she took a liking to someone else. She’s not proud of that. And it wasn’t mutual. She’s ashamed of that.
You received a spin-doctored tidbit of truth about not feeling sexy due to her weight. But she lied about wanting to offer YOU the slimmer body she has now. Why? Because she blamed her rejection on the extra weight. So she lost the weight. So far, though, this someone else is not ready to take your place.
So, except for that person, she now has things the way she wants them, and she is only going to get more upset each time you bring it up. She understands what you want, and what it means to be a lover. She knowingly chose to withdraw her sexual favors and offer you lies. You’re a roommate, to share chores and cost of living quarters with. This is convenient for her, but not convenient enough to even pretend that she is still your lover.
Getting her back is a challenge. I don’t like the odds. You will have to work on your own body, and rekindle the romance somehow. That’s a long game, fraught with setbacks, pitfalls and frustration. Not for the faint of heart, nor for the impatient. I’d say you’re looking at a full year for this campaign.
If you have a problem that the other person won’t even talk about, it’s unsolvable. You can’t fox a relationship problem alone.
Dump her. She’s being selfish and you’re not compatible anymore.
I am honestly appalled by some of the advice in this thread. Yes, your concerns are valid and it is a problem thar she doesn’t want to talk about it. But it is entirely possible that something is going on physically or mentally that she is not fully aware of.
Take stress or depression, for example. It muddles your mind. For some it takes years to realise, and accept, that they suffer from these conditions. And even more time to realise how these conditions affects them. And in the mean time being aware you cannot provide a vital part of your relationship without being able to pinpoint the problem? It snowballs to a vicious cycle. It is hard to talk about without help and support, it is even harder to talk about while feeling pressured.
It is entirely possible to be intimate without sex, but if this is a deal breaker for you that is also valid. If you want to try and explore this with your SO, be prepared to be open, patient and loving. Counselling or a visit to the doctors office might be a good start, after a direct and non accusatory conversation that is.
Idk why we have to dance around this so much. But this story repeats itself again and again. The real reason for the decrease is this: she’s just not that sexually attracted to you anymore.
Trust me, I am stuck in this exact same situation with my wife of 5 years. I cannot stand it. Please do not get yourself stuck in a relationship like this the way that I am. You will be unhappy, unfulfilled, filled with regrets and always thinking what if. It does not get better, it only gets worse as they will resent you and then try to say all you ever want is sex. Leave now