A bit of backstory:
I (M24) have a visible deformity, I wouldn’t call myself absolute ugly, but it still seems to be a massive turnoff.
Not so much that I can’t find (female) friends, but it just doesn’t change the fact, that no one seems to be romantically interested in me.
I feel like I am bound to be the guy that everyone seems to get along with but no one actually wants.
On the other hand, I feel like an absolute fucking asshole complaining about my issues, as I feel I am guilt-tripping them. But I honestly don’t know how am I supposed to like, start a relationship or get to know someone without actually talking about myself.
I find it dishonest to act like this ain’t no big deal and make myself look like someone I am not.
And it just overall feels like I become more of a brother figure to most, compared to sparking romantic interest.
Hell, girls used and occasionally still use me to play “boyfriend” so other guys don’t bother them at parties, but deep down it just hurts so much.
And I kinda know, there is just no real advice beyond “just keep going, and you will find someone eventually”, but it just sucks. It just feels like a stab in the gut. Especially since this shit has been going on for years.
I would personally describe myself as someone who tries to be a reliable, helpful friend.
And I for the love of god would never ever dare to take advantage of a female friend, that’s why I don’t try to push them, when they are down. The idea is just so fucking disgusting to me, and I don’t think I could look into the mirror.
I just don’t want to be this kind of person. I just wish to have a loving relationship.
And I don’t know why, but in the last few weeks all the past failure just came up, and I have just been constantly crying and feeling godawful and lonely.
While also feeling like a total manipulative asshole when opening up about it.
And then there is this female friend I had for a couple of years now, again, as I personally just try to leave my feelings out of shit I know just won’t work, I never had feelings for her, I tried my best to not treat her differently from how I would treat a male friend.
But somehow my brain decided that now is the fucking time. And somehow I developed a crush on her, I didn’t think I could have since my early teenage years. At some point in the past, well before I even met her, I just gave up and tried to limit my feelings to the bare minimum to not get them crushed over and over and over again.
But she, to me, is just absolutely cute, her laugh makes me go crazy, I just love to make her smile, she’s just generally one of the nicest people I have ever meet, understanding, helpful and selfless.
And I just feel like a total fucking douchebag for having a crush on her and being this broken fucking mess. And yet she is still understanding, but just simply doesn’t seem to share those feelings, which is absolutely fine and again, I just don’t want to be that guy playing toxic fucking mind games, but regardless she offers to listen to me, but again telling her about my issues, just makes me feel dirty and like some guilt-tripping manipulative asshole.
I don’t even know if I have the balls to tell her all this upfront, I don’t want her to break herself just to fix me.
I don’t even know if I want advice or just to vent.
I just don’t simply want “a” relationship, I couldn’t care less about sex, not that I don’t think it is an important part of a relationship, to me, it is just not something I want to do with a random person.
I just want someone to hold me, have someone I can talk with, laugh at stupid jokes with together, not just some fuckbuddy for 3 months.
All this is probably why I think I somehow managed until now, I didn’t crush hard enough or even at all on a lot of girls, or didn’t think a longlasting healthy relationship was possible, and just like everyone else tried to shoot my shot in the past here and there and see if it works, it didn’t, but again, it never made me have this massive mental breakdown like I seem to have now.
Anyway, thank you for reading, it already seems to have helped me a lot to put my thoughts down, even if it meant I cried through dozens of tissues while typing out this mess.
17 comments
>And I kinda know, there is just no real advice beyond “just keep going, and you will find someone eventually”, but it just sucks.
No, you will not find someone eventually. That is not guaranteed at all. What didn’t work for the past couple of years is not going to work for the next couple of years. You need to change yourself to change the outcome.
Don’t take that shit my guy
Not sure if this would help but have you considered a disability dating site?
I’ve personally witnessed (repeatedly) that the more someone actively seeks a relationship the less likely it is to happen. In my case I’m never actually looking for anything and somehow end up dating someone that I randomly meet and get to know. All you can really do is roll with it and what happens happens
>How am I supposed to accept “you will find someone eventually” if that is the same phrase every woman I talk to says?
Just keep on talking to women until you meet one that doesn’t say that phrase. You’re only 24. You’ve got a ways to go. In the mean time, make your female friends, and treat them with respect. Don’t use them as emotional pillows to dump on your life problems. That’s what shrinks are for. The irony is, if some fat guy cried about his lack of love life, all his female friends would call him out on that immediately. No one wants to hang out with a “woe is me” character. You get a ton of slack because of your deformity, but the rules should apply to you too. Being an emotional support is *tiring*. No one wants to feel like the agony aunt to their BF.
It is just a petty excuse that all women like to use if they don’t really hate you, yet they don’t like you either. Sadly, there’s nothing you cand do about it, just move on and keep trying.
Step one to moving past crushes: think rationally and diminish the importance of your crush. It’s just chemicals in your brain that you could have had for any attractive person you met. Putting someone on a deific pedestal is just asking for misery and rejection, because only narcissists want to be put on pedastals, and narcissists only ever want to use people.
1. Talk to male friends about your feelings to avoid *feeling* manipulative to women.
2. It’s ok if you develop a crush. Don’t beat yourself up. But don’t continue to being friends if she doesn’t share the same feelings. It’s honestly painful.
3. Confidence in yourself, will exceed whatever deformity you have. Confidence is extremely attractive. Put your energy into something you love doing and your Confidence will excel from there.
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I’m a 36 year old single woman. I’ve had many relationships, I’ve been engaged, and I have a wonderful child. I’m tall, attractive, intelligent, happy, and successful. When I try dating apps I have no trouble getting likes, matches, dates, or potential boyfriends. I’ve met, dated, and fallen in love with people I met IRL too (I’ve had more success that way than using apps, in fact). But so far, I haven’t found “the one,” or even “the one” I want to marry and build a life with. Maybe I’ve found the right person a time or two, but so far has never happened at the right time.
I generally don’t talk to people about my love life anymore for the same reasons you’ve listed here. Everyone always tells me I’ll find someone, but honestly, that’s just not true. It’s not true for me. It’s not true for you. It’s not true for anyone. It’s also not helpful.
Helpful advice is to accept the fact that you may never find someone and find a way to live a happy, fulfilling life regardless. Cultivate friendships without hoping for more. When you feel reciprocal chemistry, pursue it in a way that feels natural and good for you. Enjoy life. Be your best self. Pursue dating actively if you want, but don’t obsess over your success or failure.
Accepting that you may never find someone doesn’t mean you *won’t* ever find someone. It’s just about your mindset and focus in life.
Welcome to the brave new fem-powered world, OP. I share your sentiments but can’t honestly say things will get better… they could but there’s no guarantee. I just try to focus on other things it helps the days go more easily.
I hope you get to feeling better soon.
I hear this and I’m over 30. Absolutely annoying to the max
Just give up on dating but try to improve yourself the most, not for them, but for you.
Make your life a masterpiece or organization, cleanness, opus, purpose, peace.
You may not have love but you can have the next best thing of everything else.
well first of all, telling your friend how you feel could make her change how she acts around you. if you want to get over your feelings for her and move on, then i suggest telling her; that way you can both find ways to minimize the possibility of those feelings growing. maybe hang out in groups exclusively, avoid talking about love and relationships, stop making affectionate gestures, etc.
however, not telling her would allow her to keep treating you the same way she has always treated you. and this may be manipulative if she has no feelings towards you, but if you suspect that she might or that you could win her over somehow, then change the way YOU act around her. be more affectionate, maybe ask her out on date-like scenarios. let her figure it naturally and if she asks you herself, then you can tell her the truth. but you at least had the chance to shoot your shot.
you may not find someone. our culture has a big fixation on the romance and love. not everyone found love before our time and not everyone will in it or after it. it’s not a granted in life, that’s part of why it’s beautiful. instead ask yourself why you feel you need a partner
My advice is to maybe date other people who have deformity or other unusual qualities or have close family members with such qualities. I don’t want to say “problem” because in truth, it’s not a “problem”. It’s something a bit more unusual than most.
I say this as someone who noticeably has a strong unusual accent and feel extremely self-conscious about it. I can imagine it’s probably how you feel self-conscious about yourself when someone sees you, but if you were to talk over the phone, you may feel better about yourself and the conversation. It’s tough.
People who don’t have a noticeable unusual quality to them just don’t understand. They really don’t. People who have been around it are less judgemental. Some people are just brats!!! Stay away from those people. They’ll still judge you even after you’ve proven yourself.
I would be a little more confident than you are. You don’t know what someone has experienced in their past and you don’t know their family. You might judge someone who seems “normal”. Those people will be more open minded about dating you. But you really have no idea until you get to know them. If you judge them and don’t give people a chance then you are counting those people out.
Confidence is key. Don’t be afraid. Some people are jerks… and others are real nice and “get it”… and others just won’t get it. Don’t think about the negatives… the people who clearly aren’t for you. There’s plenty of women who would love the chance to date you after knowing you. 🙂
https://youtu.be/pHfhbk-oPFw
Well it’s true!! Player.. she thought the same thing of you.. trust me you both invested on an idea!! The idea didn’t pan out you both loose out!! Less you was paying for everything.. and buying her stuff.. then you just go played.. Live and learn player!! Use this as an opportunity to learn.. I lost a few times myself!! But here we are learning.