I am in graduate school, and I have a colleague, “Katie,” who is very sweet and kind. However, her brother, “Ivan,” whom she often brings to our department’s (informal) social events, makes me extremely uncomfortable. I’ve heard him say all sorts of outrageously vile things––sexist, racist, homophobic, antisemitic––anything to get a rise. Katie and Ivan were both homeschooled and seem quite sheltered, and they are from a conservative religious family that evidently fosters these views if not encourages them. I have not heard Katie echo any of her brother’s opinions; she does seem to harbor some internalized misogyny, but I want to give her the benefit of the doubt given her upbringing. Even my most right-wing colleagues (my school skews right-wing) are increasingly upset by Ivan’s behavior at department functions. (Why they haven’t already kicked him out entirely is beyond me, I’m deeply disturbed by this fact, seems a systemic issue with my school––but that’s another issue. My school is bats\*\*t a lot of the time.)
Katie keeps inviting me to social events at her home (she and Ivan live at home with their parents). I keep finding excuses to decline her invitations, but she continues to invite me and seems to be catching on to the fact that I’m avoiding them. My neighbor/colleague and I often host events together, and we have stopped inviting both of them––we know that if we invite her, she will invite Ivan.
I do like Katie and want to have some semblance of a friendship, but I simply don’t feel comfortable when Ivan is inevitably around. Advice on how to navigate this situation? Whatever the case, I can’t tolerate Ivan’s behavior. Does this mean I have to shut Katie out of my social life and stay out of hers? Regardless I want to treat her kindly.