Hi all I (22f) have been in a relationship with my partner (26m) for around 9 months and have just moved in together. In pretty much every other respect our relationship is perfect, he’s my best friend as well as my partner and I genuinely enjoy coming home to and spending time with him. He’s my human and I love him immensely.
However in around June this year I started having issues with chronic pain, they seemed to keep getting worse up until around July this year and have been pretty bad every since. I was diagnosed with endo and recently had a laparoscopic procedure to treat it but my pain still remains and the worst part…it makes sex (all forms including penetration and oral) extremely painful.
As you can expect it has made me terrified to have sex as it flares my symptoms so bad I can’t do anything for weeks. For me this is a process and I’m still trying to find the cause for this pain but it takes time of course and I’m scared my partner will leave me before that happens. I am okay with limiting our sexual contact and focusing on other forms of intimacy but I’m terrified I won’t be enough for him. We used to both have very high sex drives and couldn’t keep our hands off eachother before this issue and now I feel like I’m letting him down.
I do everything I can to make sure he’s still satisfied sexually but he seems to be turned on the most when he’s giving me pleasure. Sometimes I find myself randomly bursting into tears when I’m alone because I feel like I’m not the partner he deserves because of this.
Im just so lost and hate my body for betraying me in the way it has. I want to be a good partner to him and I want us to last through this.
So my question is for everyone out there is: Would my situation be a dealbreaker for you?
And if you were in my partners position would would you want me to do to make him feel satisfied, secure and loved through all this?
TLDR: I have been diagnosed with endo and have chronic pain which make physical intimacy impossible for the foreseeable future. Would this be a dealbreaker for you?
13 comments
It sounds like you’re doing your best to make it work. I’m really sorry you’re in pain. You could ask him about it if you’re uncertain. Wouldn’t be a deal breaker for me. Though, it would be difficult to not be able to pleasure my partner. Might be time to explore other ways to make you feel good!
What a terrible thing to have to struggle with. I hope you’re able to get to a pain-free place again soon. To answer your questions; I have a long term partner (6 years) and we have had times where sex was not possible due to health issues both mental and physical. The thing that caused us the most problems was not communicating about it. Letting the other partner feel unwanted, keeping them in the dark about what’s happening, withdrawing out of guilt etc. THAT caused us to nearly break up. When we spoke honestly and expressed our fears, worries and needs it cleared so much up. Now we are closer then ever, even when we don’t have sex. Relationships work in so many forms for different people, some are poly, some are celibate, some are hyper sexual. You must discuss what you both want and need directly and clearly to find out what is going to work for you. I think expressing your fears and feelings to him will lift this huge burden you have on your heart right now. You might find he doesn’t mind and just wants to be there for you while you go through this hard time. Then together you can find out what’s going to work for you both while you get treatment and see what your ultimate diagnosis is. Asking him what he wants is sure to make him feel secure and loved. Wishing you all the best together.
This wouldn’t be a deal breaker for me. I have been stressed lately and not in the mood at all and my partner has been wonderful and understanding. He lets me know that he loves when we do stuff together but he understands what I’m going through and is okay “handling his needs by himself”. I still feel bad that my drive is so much lower than his right now, but he’s been great at reassuring me. Have an honest conversation about this with your boyfriend! Explain your pain and fears. Experiment to see if there’s stuff you can do together that doesn’t trigger a flare up. If he’s a good guy, he’ll be understanding while you work through this. If he isn’t understanding, then I feel like you haven’t lost much. Hang in there!
I don’t know tbh. I was never in this kind of situation. First, would this be permanent? Second, what other alternatives we would have? Third, if I was your hypothetical partner and we decide to have a kid, would your condition allow you to? Those are things you should talk with your partner.
I have end and struggled with chronic pain since I was 14. It can take months to fully recover from surgery. Also, pelvic floor physiotherapy was a complete game changer. I even had it before my last surgery to help with recovery.
Yk seeing these posts breaks my heart because I feel like women are constantly forced into wanting to fix themselves for OTHER PEOPLE and never for themselves. I’m so sorry you’re going thru this ❤️
I’m going to focus on the physical for a second and ask if your doctors are looking at getting you pelvic floor physiotherapy. A lot of people with endo have an overactive pelvic floor, which is caused by muscles tightening in response to the pain from your endometriosis. It sounds a lot like this is going on for you as one of the key symptoms is pain during sex and orgasms can be *agony* because an orgasm involves the muscles of the pelvic floor moving. In good news, the problem is treatable with physio. If you’re not being referred to a physio, please ask for this as it will likely help you.
I noticed in your post you haven’t mentioned speaking to your partner about your emotions. You’re very distressed about the problem. Have you told him how you feel, rather than looking at practical ways that you can be intimate together? Have you told him that you cry alone and fear he’ll leave you? He needs to know what’s going on in your head if he doesn’t already.
I’m sorry to read it. I totally get what you’re saying, I’ve been there too. 20 years endometriosis and I’m mid 30s, I have kids and all now. I follow The Wahls Protocol to the letter and I’m pain free.
Anti inflammation diet is key in a fair few cases
Hey I just wanted to tell you that isn’t anything he should leave you for and people may say he will and things like that but if my gf went through something like that I would stay by her side even if I don’t get to do it with her because it’s the love that matters not s*x and please don’t cry talk to him I know you are going through a lot but I am sure that he loves you and he will do anything for you and this is nothing I hope I brought some positivity in your life please talk to him he needs you emotionally more than se*ually and I know you are but don’t keep your sadness inside you pour your heart out in front of him I am sure he will comfort you 🙂
I know this may be a dealbreaker for you but if sex is a crucial thing for your partner. Maybe think about opening up the relationship and letting him be sexually active elsewhere. I know plenty of people aren’t open to this option but it is an option. It could also be that he’s okay with the way things are and it’s not an issue for him in the first place. Maybe try to open up communication about it and see how he feels about the situation.
If your boyfriend loves you and cares about you, then sex is the last thing on his mind in this situation.
Personally, no, this wouldn’t be a dealbreaker but there’s people here with some pretty screwed up priorities so there’s that.
Honestly if he’s good for you as you say, he’ll try to support you and help you through this. And the fact you’re attempting to satisfy him a little despite the physical pain you’re in I’m sure he’ll be appreciative. But sex should be the last thing on his mind right now, getting you back to full health and comforting you should be the first priority. If he won’t stick through it with you then he’s not the right one for you.
Have you talked to your partner about your fears? You are alone dealing with the pain in the first place, and now it sounds like you are alone with the pain of worrying about him leaving you too. It doesn’t have to be that way, If he’s a worthy partner he should be someone you can tell these fears too. You don’t have to carry this alone.
I have chronic pelvic pain (no doctor is willing to make a diagnosis, or treatment), and have been married for 18 years.
My sex drive has always been much higher than my husbands. Including while being on anti-depressants, and other meds that have affected my sex drive.
He can go a month+ without even thing about sex.
We have done therapy with a sex therapist-and it was a game changer.
While I am now the one unable to have frequent sex due to pain-he has been very understanding.
There were points in our relationship that I attempted to reconcile myself to a sexless marriage.
Sex is a physical act, lovemaking is about more than just sex. Talk it out, I would have saved myself years of self esteem issues if we had been more open with each other.