Hi everyone. Needless to say, I’m at a loss. My boyfriend (35 m) and me (27 f) have been together for 1 year and known each other almost 3 years. We were in a LDR on and off for the first 2 years. I really love/care about him. He is most of the time, my best friend. Recently, I don’t feel like he cares about how much he’s hurting me. I have moved across the country to be with him. I have a very dysfunctional family and little support system. So leaving the only support system i had to be here, was no easy feat. A little backstory, he has never been in a relationship before. We have had a breach of trust that involved him lying about someone he went on a date with while we were figuring our relationship out. That was 6 months ago. I have ptsd. I have not always been a good partner to him. But I’ve been seeing a therapist for a year now and i am have worked to become better. And while i struggle, i have made a ton of progress. My therapist had told me to leave the relationship previously or seek couples counseling. I am trying to find a couples counselor but i don’t think my partner is on board. He says we will, yet makes no effort.
Anyways, ever since I’ve moved here 3 months ago. our relationship has gotten extremely rough. When we argue, he says so many harmful things. Talks about how miserable i make him, that he can’t wait to be at work to get away from me, that he isn’t himself because of me, says he feels like he needs to be on drugs to deal with me. Then he takes it all back and says he never meant those things. Its so confusing. I honestly don’t know if he means them or not. He gets so angry, he will yell and sometimes throw things. There are holes in doors. I’ve become very insecure about how much he values me. I believe all the things he has said to me. Because every time he takes it back, the next argument he says the same thing. Im extremely insecure in our relationship and worry he might cheat. I’ve tried discussing this with him. I will admit, not always in the healthiest way. Sometimes making small jokes about him cheating. Because Im so scared of how we will react if I’m serious. But i don’t know how to stop these insecurities when i don’t have the support of my partner.
Today, he was in a private browsing, previously has taken his phone to the restroom (a lot recently, he never does that). When i tried talking to him about my concerns, he got so angry and said some really hurtful things. It turned into a huge fight and he said if i think he’s lying/cheating, i should just leave. I asked him how i can communicate to him about my concerns and insecurities without upsetting him. He said he doesn’t know. How am i supposed to get what i need out of this and also give him what he needs if he wont meet me halfway?
Looking for any insight.
TL;DR
How can I/should I continue this relationship? How do I deal with these insecurities?
6 comments
Please end this relationship, it’s not healthy. Continue to work on yourself, you deserve it.
>When we argue, he says so many harmful things. Talks about how miserable i make him, that he can’t wait to be at work to get away from me, that he isn’t himself because of me, says he feels like he needs to be on drugs to deal with me. Then he takes it all back and says he never meant those things. Its so confusing. I honestly don’t know if he means them or not. He gets so angry, he will yell and sometimes throw things. There are holes in doors.
Yeah, you should leave. This is abuse. Don’t negotiate or expect things to get better; they won’t.
I noticed that you included “moved across the country for” in the title, but you need to realize that this makes no difference. Your happiness in life and in a relationship has no regard for your previous experiences or decisions in life. If he lived 5 minutes away from you or you didn’t have to move at all for him, would this change your thinking? Ask yourself if you are really happy and getting what you need from him. If the answer is no then leave. Moving across the country is a sunk cost, maybe a big one, but a sunk cost nonetheless.
Verbal abuse is wrong. Break up and explain why *once* so maybe he can learn and grow and never treat someone else like this again. Then go have a great life. Best wishes to you.
Whatever you do, do NOT get pregnant. You don’t want to be stuck with this piece of shit in your life.
It doesn’t matter what you’ve done for him, it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t break up with him if he’s treating you in harmful ways.