I wrote a super long post on another sub about this, but decided to write a condensed version here. I’m just looking for all the advice/feedback I can get.
I’m 27, almost got married one. I have 2 exes, one I was with for 2.5 years, another for almost 7. I was never crazy about either of them – I never felt the need to rush anything, I wasn’t that “hooked” to them, I thought that sort of feeling was made-up in the movies. I just settled and thought, “this is life”.
I got out of that relationship in which I almost got married, and met my current boyfriend. He has changed my life. I feel so much for him like I’ve never felt for anyone before. We’re still in the “honeymoon phase” after 10 months, and it only gets stronger for both of us. We never want to leave each other’s sides. I was at his place (we live 1.5 hours apart) for 12 days, and he still didn’t want me to leave/wants me to come right back ASAP.
We have everything in common, same values, same goals, same age, and his profession (teaching) is what I also hope to do in my future (and I knew that before I met him). We are so kind to each other, we get along beautifully, our chemistry and attraction is through the roof like I’ve never experienced, We moved a little fast at first (asked me to be his girlfriend on first date, said “I love you” after 3 weeks but decided to wait until we were in person to ever say it again, etc) but aside from that, the first 6 months (online only due to covid/long distance) felt very appropriately paced. The first 2 months in person felt chill as well. But since August, I have realized how madly in love I am, and I cannot stop thinking about how much I want to marry him. He’s everything I’ve ever wanted in another person, and I’ve been ready to be married for a long time now, hence why I almost got married before.
TLDR: I’ve only been with my boyfriend for 10 months, but we’re a match made in heaven. It hit me in August that I want to marry him, and I’m having a hard time “just being a girlfriend” now, as I want to marry him so badly. I feel like its way too soon to tell him that though. When and how do I let him know how I feel? Will I ruin things if I share these thoughts too soon? How long do I need to wait for it to be appropriately paced? I’ve never been this in love before, so pacing feels foreign to me and I need advice. I want to scream from the rooftops how I feel, so its really hard to keep it lowkey. He seems to love me just as much, telling me he can’t imagine being without me, I’m the best part of his day, he thinks about me all day, and he’s so happy when he’s with me/never wants me to leave, so I’m pretty damn sure these feelings are mutual. Help! haha.
11 comments
I have zero experience in this so I only have ideas but congrats!! It’s so cute how in love you are 🥹 maybe one day you can kinda bring it up when you guys are having a romantic moment and he’s just finished telling you how much he loves you. Just say it casually like “I could marry you” or even ask one of those silly “if I was a worm would you still love me type questions but say like “what if I asked you to marry me tomorrow. What would you do” and see his reaction. Based on that you can decide if you want to tell him seriously. You can say baby I love you and I’d marry you right now if I could. Or just sit him down and literally tell him what you told us. Be straight up and say it’s okay if you are not there yet. No pressure and no rush. I just wanted to let you know how you make me feel.
I don’t think there’s one pace for anything. There’s definitely what’s most common but every relationship is wildly different! You may have to prepare for some judgment/skepticism from family/friends/strangers but it’s your life not someone else’s (and of course people who really care for you will just be supportive of what makes you happy).
This may not be the best example, because they are divorced now, but my parents got engaged after about 6 months of knowing each other and married about 4 months after that. They were married for 28 years and have no regrets even though it ultimately didn’t work out. I’m not saying this pace leads to divorce at all, just saying sometimes great things come out of decisions other people might judge. I’m glad their story went the way it did or I wouldn’t be born haha.
All this to say, even coming from someone who myself would never in a million years marry someone that quickly, it’s different for every person/relationship. The happiness of a marriage is more about the connection two people have rather than how well you abide to what society expects. You really do sound like you’ve found your person and that’s amazing. Whatever feels right for the both of you is best, whether that’s getting engaged tomorrow or literally any other day! I wish you both the best of luck in finding your path
Edit: I realize I don’t really have any actual advice here lol. As for talking to him about it, there can definitely be a conversation about marriage in general without semi-proposing to him so you can gauge how he feels about that specifically. Also if he isn’t ready yet that doesn’t mean he feels less love than you, he could just be different regarding pacing
While I’m wishing you all the best, I’m just wondering why you think your current loving relationship would further improve with a marriage. As marriage also implies lot of responsibility, routine works and others less glamour things in the daily life don’t you think it may have an impact on your love story?
>Will I ruin things if I share these thoughts too soon?
Yes.
If you still feel this way in six months or a year, then it’s probably real.
Hold your horses! You said it yourself: you’re still in the honeymoon phase. Let me tell you from experience that intense feelings of love, chemistry, and passion *do not* mean that the ingredients for long-term compatibility and stability are present.
After ten months, you barely know this guy. I know it feels like you’ve known him all your life, and maybe what you’re seeing now is really who he is all the way through, but there’s also a lot — a *lot* — that could be revealed later. Immaturity, bad hygiene, massive debt, gambling addiction, control issues, a vicious temper, and on and on and on. Tragically, most abusive relationships start out this exact same way, with the feeling that you’ve met your soulmate (because when someone is just pretending, of course they’ll pretend to be exactly what you want).
Now, I’m not saying any of that is true! I’m just saying it *could* be true, and it’s not wise to jump in on blind faith before you’ve invested the time to truly get to know someone. Wait out the honeymoon phase. Move in together. See how he handles the stressors and crises that will inevitably pop up. Be happy and in love and excited, but don’t make a permanent commitment until his character and his love for you have been tested by life and passed the test with flying colors.
Tell him! Say, I want to get married!
Pump your brakes girl!! As you already know, you are still in the honeymoon phase and your intense love might just be fueled by your hormones talking to his hormones so slooooooow down. I always say there are several things that need to happen before you know the love is real and healthy:
1) Travel somewhere together and I mean “get on a plane and go far away” type of travel. You’ll be able to see how they handle stressful situations and see their ability to be flexibility if plans change.
2) Have an argument. I’m not talking about a small disagreement. I’m talking about a tempers are flared type of argument. You’ll be able to see how he behaves when he is upset. Does he call you names? Does he throw things? Does he get physical? Does he take revenge on you by doing something hurtful?
3) Be able to answer “basic” questions about him. There are certain things that I think every couple could answer about each other such as what are his parents names? What his full name? When is his birth date and year? Whats his childhoods best friends name? Etc. You would be surprised to know that a lot of couples who claim to be madly in love cant answer these questions. So, if you can’t, you don’t know him as well as you think you do and vidr versa.
4) Lastly, and most importantly, the love isn’t real until you hate you something about him. If you love everything about him and can’t think of a single thing you can’t stand about him, you are waaaaaaay deep in the honeymoon phase and not close to being married. Even the most admirable couples hate things about each other and I think that is totally normal and healthy. It can be small things like I hate that he forgets to clean the toothpaste out of the sink, I hate when he forgets to turn the lights off, he is so bad at folding clothes, etc. Of course I’m not talking about deal breaker hate necessarily just those little quirks that people have because let’s be honest, nobody loves EVERYTHING about another person.
Slow down. As I have always told myself, if I get married, I plan on being married once. So if he is “the one” why rush?
I’m going to go against the grain a bit here, in that 10 months is not *necessarily* too short a time. My husband and I got engaged after 6 months and married at a year, *however*, we each individually wanted and were ready to be married and had a strong understanding of what we wanted in a spouse. There was a very thorough discernment phase early into our relationship to see if the other was compatible, which clearly was successful. Our timeline is not necessarily suitable for everyone, each relationship has its own pace, but there are different paces that suit different relationships.
That being said, 10 months is absolutely soon enough to discuss major life goals. I’m a very firm proponent of early disclosure of as much as is appropriately possible; things like whether or not you want marriage, how long you would want to date someone before making that commitment *if that’s something you know, how many children you want if any, where you want to live, relationship goals, how you’d want finances to look etc. Stuff like this should be discussed within the first month of dating, so you are on the same page as your prospective partner.
If you are not sure of any of the answers to these questions for your partner, you should know them ASAP, particularly because *you* feel ready to marry this person. But you don’t know where he stands about any of this, and it’s not clear if your feelings are based on true, deep compatibilities that will lead to a grounded, loving long term relationship, or if it’s based on more ephemeral, short term things. Without proper discernment, it’s often difficult to tell.
*So*, if this is the person you see spending the rest of you life with, it’s time to start asking the hard questions to see if this is a relationship that can stand the test of time. And to know if your relationship goals are aligned. You won’t get very far if they’re not, and you could spend longer than you have to in a relationship that will never go in the direction you want if they aren’t. Good luck, OP!
Its good to wait to see if the honeymoon phase feelings ever leave, but like, that might just be how it is for you two. I’ve been with my partner for almost 3 years now, living together for almost a year, and we’ve been through a shit load together. We are still just as happy, we never have fights even when we have disagreements. We still want to always be around each other, and anyone who listens to us assumes we have just started dating. I don’t feel like things have settled, I don’t feel like things have gotten boring just because they are our constant and our normal. I don’t feel like there ever was a honeymoon phase we went through, I just feel like it’s been like that our entire relationship. I think the biggest thing is to just be aware that it could just be the honeymoon phase, it could be something where your feelings about each other will change, especially if you see something in each other that you don’t like if you experience something like a major financial crisis, health crisis, or death of a loved one. If you’d like, you can be engaged for a longer period, give yourselves time to see if things still feel just as good with each other years down the line before actually going through with the paperwork. Feel it out, talk to your partner about your feelings and your concerns. Its always good to get on the same page. But most importantly, do what makes you both happy. It doesn’t matter if its too fast for some people. Its not their lives, its yours.
There is no one standard timeline for every person and every couple. Some of the happiest, most devoted couples I know got engaged and married in the amount of time you have been dating him already. It all depends on your common values and hopes for the future and maturity (of both of you in the relationship). If you’re worried that you will be rushing him, then wait a few months. But, I’m not going to be telling you to slow down necessarily. It will be interesting to see how things play out with the holidays coming up. Mostly, I just wanted to congratulate you on finding a great, loving, respectful guy and someone with whom you have so much in common. That isn’t always easy in today’s world.
If anything, no matter the length of time, I’d just encourage you to get one of those discussion packs of cards/games which causes you to discuss the important marriage, children, family, finances, etc. questions that are often the “rubbing points” in any relationship so that you use this single but committed time ensuring that you’re both on the same page with what the other wants or that you’re finding out the ways that each of you may need to compromise to support the other person. Talk and talk and ask questions and explore and experience things together… and then talk and question some more. 😉
Only you 2 know what pacing works for you. My husband and I were acquaintances for about a year before we started dating (he later told me he had a crush on me from the beginning but i was dating someone else). We agreed to be upfront 100% the whole way because we were tired of bullshit and agreed to be vocal about concerns/feelings. No games, no “it’s fine, I’m fine”.
He told me he loved me after 2 weeks and i felt the same. We lived 90 minutes away from one another so we frequently stayed at each other’s place for days at a time. We moved in together after 4 months. Days before our 1 year anniversary, i was diagnosed with lupus. I told him that if he wanted to, he could back out with no hard feelings.
He proposed a month later. 6 months after that we got married. Next Saturday is our 6 year wedding anniversary. I love that man more than i could ever articulate. We often joke that we can’t ever leave the honeymoon phase because we never got a honeymoon, lol.
My advise is to be open and honest with him. If you feel you should wait until you hit a year, that’s totally fine. Assure him that there is no pressure if he’s not there yet, but that you wanted to see if you were both on the same page. He may not be ready, he may be ready but not sure if you are. You never know until you voice your feelings and concerns. Keep open communication and an open mind.
I wish you 2 the best of luck and hope you live happily ever after! Everyday I’m thankful that i married my best friend and i hope you get to experience that same feeling. 🥰