Tl;dr – Boyfriend says I’m too hung up on false ideas of love because I want him to reciprocate
There’s a lot of background and more to the story really, but I just wanted to focus on this particular issue since it seems to be the root of him being tired of me constantly.
Anyway, he hates how I wish or expect him to do things with me, even if he’s not into it.
Keep in mind, I don’t ask or invite him anymore, because he’ll just be bored, complain or be on his phone 24/7, and when I do ask, it’s not for every single thing. It’s things like watching a movie I picked out and like, or going to a bookfair and I made sure they have anime and marvel stuff, so he can come with me and check those out while I look at books, and I offered to pay for his.
I very much support my bf in EVERY thing he does, except the constant drinking and leaving me at his house to do stuff with his friends/workmates while I keep his grandma and little cousin company. I’ve watched all the animes he loves, and would go out of my way to research and draw them for him, or buy quality figurines, talk about the characters, even if I’m not into them, but I see how happy it makes him. This goes the same with movies he picks (sometimes he’ll get sleepy when its something i picked, or just cut off the movie and say he wants to watch something else instead), places he wants to go, things he wants to do, business ventures/side hustles, basically every single thing. Even taking care of his drunk, heavy ass if I’m super tired or doing work (I have 10pm-6am shifts and med school at 8am-7pm), or when he’s sick and is super stubborn and wants to be babied. I don’t mind it, I love making him feel cared for, loved and appreciated, and his passions.
Sometimes I want him to reciprocate. To take care of me when I have my periods, especially since I’ve got some kind of arthritis/restless leg syndrome chronic pain thing, anemia, and tired from work and school. To help me study or just even offer to buy coffee and lay with me as I study. To do things I want to do, without him constantly on the phone and just live in the moment, enjoy life apart from drinking till 5am weekly or more and always out with friends, since we only see each other on the weekends, but even when we do, he makes plans. I’ve been to all his official ball games, and pay attention 100%. I’ve even gotten scammed $12 on public commute at 9pm, just to see his game bc he was pissed I wasn’t gonna show up, when I literally didn’t know he had a game.
Or scratch my back even when he’s tired sometimes, or give me a massage, etc.
He’s even pushed our plans for dinners or going somewhere because someone from his work/friend wants to eat out or drink, or he’s hungover, etc. He gets angry too, when I’m sick and would just tell me to go buy medicine or that it can’t always be that he has to “stop” whatever he’s doing just for me.
It just feels like I’m a mom and not even prioritized. I understand he can’t “pay” me back for the money he borrows from me to buy stuff, etc., And i tell him as long as he just pays back by being nice to me, I’m okay with it. My allowance and his salary is the same, and he lives with his grandma, so the only thing he pays for is their wifi.
He was pissed though, telling me he’s tired of explaining things to me. That if he wants to do something, that I don’t need to ask. I’ve never stopped him from doing stuff with friends and have encouraged it, but only get pissed when he leaves his grandma home alone at night, knowing that she cries to me sometimes for her safety or that she doesn’t feel like he cares .
Then told me off about how I always expect something in return, that I’m hung up on some stupid, false and hopeless idea of love. Tells me I’m suffocating him.
I didn’t grow up with the kind of love I give him (which btw, he’s said I’m the only person and gf who treated and loved him this way, and he loves it), so it’s just in my character and what I learned. I haven’t open up to him anymore for a while, cause it ends with my faults and him telling me he’s tired of me, etc. I deal with my sickness, my worries, alone. I live in a condo by myself and have an estranged relationship with my parents.
EDIT: He does have serious anger issues. Been helping him with it but now it feels like he just hates me. He’d threaten to leave me at restaurants, call me stupid for looking sad as he drives away, yell at me to just go home even at 2am, punch or hit things. I just don’t know what to do to not make him hate me anymore.
Also, I want to note that we do have our own lives. I’m happy with my life, I do my own thing with friends too. I’m not asking for him to be there 24/7. I just want our time on the weekend to be set for us, although most of the times I’ll let him go out with friends if he wants, usually because I have no choice and he’s not one to ask me if it’s alright. And to really feel I’m a girlfriend, that I know he’ll take care of me and loves me. It doesn’t feel like we do any bonding stuff, like go to underground concerts, hiking, other stuff (he wants these things too, but only takes action if his friends ask) He just likes to do whatever he wants to do regardless of how it might affect anyone.
14 comments
Why are you in a relationship with him? Relationships are supposed to be mutually enjoyable. He is regularly mean to you, puts in no effort, doesn’t seem to care about your happiness, and you say he’s often abusive – insulting and yelling at you. I get that you love him, but why are you in a relationship with him?
It sounds like you’re two opposite extremes of the spectrum. I wouldn’t be happy in a relationship with either of you.
What are you actually getting out of this relationship? Hell, what’s **he** getting out of this relationship? Why are you with someone who clearly cares so little about you, calls you stupid, **hates you**, and why is he with someone who he thinks is a burden? What even is your idea of what a relationship is? Why is your bar so low? This isn’t “am I a hopeless romantic?”, it’s “why am I choosing to be with someone who acts this way?” Why do you seemingly believe that a relationship should consist of you bending over backwards and tolerating endless unhappiness, while he…exists, and treats you how he wants? This isn’t even a relationship, it’s just two people being miserable.
You are treating him the way that you wish to be treated and it doesn’t really work that way unfortunately. You have to actually find a relationship with someone that you’re compatible with. This isn’t it. You already know that. Stop beating a dead horse.
Its not really being a “hopeless romantic” to expect your SO to show at least some interest in you and your hobbies or spend time with you. You love him so you spend time with him, doing things he enjoys, and remembering what he enjoys when it comes to gifts. He shows absolutely no effort at all to be with you or know you. Why would you want to be with someone who shows do little interest in you?
I totally get you. You are a person of gestures – action represent your language of love and caring. You also consequently watch out for actions which are not taken by your SO as a sign that he doesn’t care / love you as much.
If you don’t trust deep down that he really cares and loves you, then you’re just waring yourself thin as you give and give yourself away.
You should probably have a conversation with your bf about how you are feeling and how he can be a better bf. Because he’s being a bad bf and he probably has no more idea.
If he doesn’t care – we’ll there you have it. You either accept him as is or come to realization that he’s not worth your time, emotions or energy.
Why are you waiting for your partner to actually show an interest in you/doing things with you/taking care of you? He’s not fulfilling your needs. Tell him what you need, if he can’t give it then leave. Life is too short.
>. I just don’t know what to do to not make him hate me anymore.
Break up with him?
Why be in a relationship with someone who has no problem with admitting he hates you?!
so, you want him to treat you like a girlfriend and not a person he barely tolerates. that is not too much to ask. your “relationship” is just catering to him and then feeling sad and lonely and isolated because he doesn’t even like or care about you. i know you feel like you love him, but why? why put up with this? and the edit! he’s literally abusing you. yelling, calling you names, hitting things. this is abusive behavior! YOU can’t do anything to make him change, only he can do that. and he doesn’t want to. leave him!!
My take from this whole relationship is that he is selfish, unbothered, and COMFORTABLE. Honey, you’re being taken for granted in every humanly way possible. And it sounds like he has something he needs to unpack in therapy, like a drinking problem. Until he is capable of loving himself to the absolute fullest, you will not be loved the way you deserve.
I had a friend once say to me
” you can’t expect someone who doesn’t love themselves to be able to love you the way that you love in return”
And it hit home because I was so giving, so supportive. I gave everything until my emotional cup was drained.
Its possible you might have out grown this relationship and you need to focus on you and where you’re going in life. He is comfortable with how is life is. He will not rise to meet you unless his comfort is shook. And it’s not something anyone can do but himself. He has to want more out of life and for himself. He has to want to be more for you. You can’t ask for the love you deserve.
Break up with this uncaring lump. He doesn’t seem to really want a relationship at all, with anyone, plus has a bonus drinking problem, but he keeps you around so he won’t have to take care of his grandma himself. DTMFA
Why are you clinging so hard to a dude who won’t even do the absolute bare minimum?
>I didn’t grow up with the kind of love I give him (which btw, he’s said I’m the only person and gf who treated and loved him this way, and he loves it)
Chances are that that is the very reason you chose a partner who does not reciprocate – because you grew up with caregivers who also didn’t reciprocate. This is how cycles of dysfunction and patterns of relating are passed down through families for generations until someone decides to address it. If you were used to being treated the way you treat your partner, and having your love reciprocated, it’s unlikely that you would have picked a partner like your boyfriend or been willing to stay in the relationship once it was obvious how different your approach to relating is.
Most people are willing to do things with their significant other to make them happy. Most people don’t berate or insult their significant others. Most people take at least some interest in some of their significant other’s hobbies. Most people will do some amount of caretaking when their significant other is sick. This dude a massive asshat.