I recently started dating a coworker who I’ve had a crush on FOREVER. Things are going extremely well and I’m head over heels. We both are actually! We offer each other great freedom and have so much fun spending time with one another.
Both my girlfriend and I have had a long and prolific dating history. This doesn’t bother either of us and I think it’s incredible that we’ve matured enough through these relationships to know when we’ve found something truly special. Not to mention, it’s given us both insight into what we enjoy emotionally, sexually, and allows us to set informed boundaries.
Before either of us got a job after college (all three of us ended up working at the same company, which is how I met my girlfriend!), my girlfriend dated a coworker of ours who I greatly admire. They met on Bumble and their relationship lasted 3-5 months before she ended it (I understand he’s basically dead inside; ie: emotionally unavailable). He’s incredible at his job, and in the past, I have called him a mentor! He recently found out that she and I have been dating and suddenly my conversations with him are incredibly uncomfortable and he’s been really distant.
At this point, all three of us are more like peers as far as skill set is concerned, and are considered seniors in our department (although we don’t work directly with each other unless we volunteer for a specific activity). So it’s not like I’ve alienated my boss, but I’d like to resolve the relationship with him so that the tension isn’t so palpable. It occurs to me he still has a crush or more, which is why he’s acting so strangely.
I know dating your coworkers is not recommended for EXACTLY this reason but is there anything I can do? Or should I just wait to see if some of the tension resolves over time? It feels inappropriate to approach him but my dad always said “your level of happiness is directly related to your willingness to have an uncomfortable conversation”
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**tl;dr**: Started seriously dating a coworker. She dated another peer of ours while she was in college and they are still friends. Since he was told that she and I are dating, things between the peer and I are incredibly uncomfortable. I want to resolve this because the tension is creating stress for me at work.
2 comments
There is nothing you can do. It’s a bit awkward but it would be weird if a relationship of a few months really made a huge difference in the guys life. How did it end between them? Did it fizzle out? Did she cheat on him? There’s lots of reasons he could be acting strangely that aren’t necessarily him still having a crush.
I’m not sure it would be professional to discuss this with him, so I think you just need to maintain boundaries between your professional and personal life and while you can’t help that you’re dating a coworker, there’s not really anything that should be noticed by your colleagues about it other than it’s maybe who you get a ride with/have lunch with and that sort of thing.
Hopefully you’re the last coworker she dates or she’s going to cause herself some issues professionally.
No just give him time. Stay professional and polite. It would be unprofessional to talk to him about his feelings about your relationship at work. If you want to clear the air, it would likely make him more uncomfortable if you know he isn’t someone who is emotionally available. Seeming or feeling vulnerable to you might push him further away. Let him deal with his feelings and just keep on keeping on.