My partner and I have been together 11 months me (gf/23 and him 24) I love my boyfriend very much and he loves me too, but I suffer badly with trust issues and I don’t regulate my emotions well sometimes. My boyfriend knows ive got a good heart but have had a very dysfunctional upbringing and I think that’s played a big part in it all.
Anyway, the story goes: he had a bit of a bad explore page on insta a couple of weeks ago, meaning He had been looking (not liking or following) just looking at pictures of other girls, not terrible soft porn type but just pretty girls every so often. I was very upset by this and He agreed and understood why, saying he’ll make sure it’s better and avoid that type of content in future.
So yesterday he went out of his way to pick me up, then made me a great dinner and planned to drop me home whenever I wanted. After dinner i had a “spot check” of his explore page where I saw there were a few girls again, he seemed shocked as he hadn’t been looking at that content so immediately refreshed the page and they were all gone! Back to dogs and football, I refreshed another few times and it continually showed there were no girls over and over.
However, after seeing this i got it in my head that he’d been looking again and had disregarded my feelings about it all, so everything he was telling me about why they came up i was just denying and being sarcastic and saying it’s bullshit. I then swore at him for the first time ever telling him to “fuck off” while i laid on his own bed in his own house.
Swearing at eachother is a big boundary for him and he got so angry at this whole situation, he threw his phone down on the bed and told me I was going out and that he wanted me to have left when he got back. But I didn’t want to go as I wanted this to be resolved.
As he was leaving he got quite close to my face and quietly said “you’re taking the piss out of me” i told me to stop so he then went away. He was just so angry and stressed that I’d pushed him to this point by swearing and not listening to him over an explore page when he’s planned some amazing things for us to do, spent a lot of money on presents coming up for our anniversary, and would do anything for me in real time but I just fixated on social media.
I just want us both to be better, how can we improve our communication and stop these terrible fights from happening. And more importantly how can I stop being such a toxic b word.
Tl:dr: going through a recurring cycle of me causing an issue or reacting to my emotions and then getting upset with my bfs reaction thereafter
10 comments
Can you get therapy? You can learn emotional regulation skills, and to stop, think about what you are doing and why, and give yourself time to reflect before rushing to action. If you think over this situation now in retrospect, can you spot the things you did wrong? And what would you do instead if you could do it over?
it sounds like you need therapy. you have unresolved pain and expressing it in unhealthy ways. you will keep doing that until you process it thoroughly and in a healthy way. therapy can help with that.
You need therapy and you need to stop checking his social media and expecting him to be responsible for your trust issues.
Focus on YOUR issues. I don’t see where he’s done anything wrong except for him thinking he can bend over backwards to help you feel better. That’s not how it works.
You need to find out why you are so insecure that you can’t even stand your bf looking at someone else first of all. Forget the over reaction the fact that that’s so hurtful to you is a problem. Your behaviour around social media is extremely controlling and if you keep that up anyone with self respect won’t stick around. Therapy like everyone else said and maybe some anger management. When you get to a point where you feel like you need to control your partners eyes it’s time to find out why.
you cant tell a man to not look at women its like telling a kid to not eat candy
Some time ago, I had a fight with my wife about something. As I started wondering why couldn’t we be without issues for at least a few weeks, it hit me: What if I was the problem?
One search term led to another, until I arrived to the concept of Drama Queen (King).
Turns out that having fights keeps the dopamine up, so when things are fine, they become dull, and our inconscious brain, looks to spice things up. If nothing is available, digging up the past is just as good. Doesn’t even need to end in a fight, just remembering something to be resented about, does the trick.
There are psychological and physiological reasons to be like that, and can sometimes share some behaviors with narcissist disorder.
Just by reading about this, was a huge first step to recovery. And a lot of the questions from the couples therapyst we saw a while ago, started making a lot of sense.
Maybe reading about it a bit? See if that resonates?
Spot check? Totally toxic.
Why are you checking his explore page. Literally none of your business. You have some serious trust issues, see a therapist, your bf isn’t going to put up with this for long and you will then do this same thing in the next relationship
You are always goi to find something you don’t like if you go looking for it..stop the spot checks and start therapy.
LMAO after seeing your other post go viral on TikTok, he needs to leave you.