I (35m) met a girl I’ll call Erica (30ishF) about 13 years ago. We were both in our early 20s, met at a bar, got drunk, and hooked up. Without giving out too much detail, one of the reasons we ended up hooking up was that we met at a bar that was about 30 minutes away from her house and my car happened to be parked in her neighborhood because my friends and I started our night there.
This is where things get bad. We were both clearly drunk, but we were flirting all night and we wanted to hook up so she drove me to her place, ostensibly so I could get my car. We had sex. We used a condom but it broke and we both knew it broke but we were both drunk. We were drunk to the point where we both said something like “oh shit but I guess we won’t worry about it” and did not share contact information.I drove myself home (I know this is a terrible idea).
Cut to about 13 years later. I was on Facebook today and a friend of mine posted a picture with her friend. I am as certain as I can be that this is Erica. I looked at her Facebook profile and she has a 13 year old son who could easily be mine based on the way he looks.
I met my wife (33f) about 10 years ago. We are married with no kids. I don’t know if I should tell her. I don’t know if I should reach out to Erica. I don’t know what to do.
TLDR: saw a kid on Facebook who looks just like me and whose mother is likely somebody I had a one night stand with. Don’t know what to do. I’m married.
24 comments
Talk to your wife about it, then talk to Erica.
You’re always going to wonder if you don’t reach out, just bite the bullet and do so.
Notify the wife first of what you think might have happened before reaching out to see if that is in fact your child you saw in the picture on facebook.
Trust me bro… she was probably doing that every night of the week.
Don’t screw up your marriage for a maybe.
Absolutely do not get involved in that situation.
Why??? Are you bored and feeling unfulfilled.??? Are you unhappy about NOT having any kids??? Focus on your marriage and forget the distractions on social media
What are you trying to get out of contacting her? Do you want to be in this child’s life if he’s yours? Also what would your wife say (btw goes without saying ask her before doing anything).
Live life blissfully unaware of whether its your kid or not. If you pursue it you could get stung for child support payments.
What are you hoping for? You are married with no kids is that by choice or not able to have kids? how would your wife feel if the kid is yours and becomes a part of your life?
Do you know anything about this girl or kid? It’s possible that you are not welcome in their lives, she could be a physco that you don’t want in your life. Are you prepared for the possibility that you could be required to pay 13yrs of back child support? There’s a lot to think about.
Talk to wife 1st!!
Did Erica know your last name?
Updateme!
Sounds like you are really excited to pay child support, back child support and mess up your happy life. Say nothing.
I don’t envy your situation. If you contact her, that’s not something that can be undone. What the ethical thing is to do here, I’m not sure. You saw someone that *might* be the person you remember (“doppelgangers” do exist, and are more common than you might think), and even if it is her, the kid could easily not be yours even if it looks like you… after all, many people have a “type”, and that type will tend to produce kids with some similar characteristics. On the flip side, if it is Erica, and it is your kid, then maybe she badly needed your help back then when she found out she was pregnant, but didn’t know how to contact you, so didn’t. Maybe she needed the child support you would have provided, but couldn’t get. On the other hand, maybe she didn’t want you in her life as a father, then or now. And maybe you’ll wreck her life by contacting her now, because of whatever relationship she’s in (if she is in one). And of course if you mention any of this to your wife (and you probably should), things will permanently change between you, at least a little bit, and maybe a lot, especially if you contact Erica and it is your kid. And… and of course be aware that it might not be but Erica might very well try to coerce you into believing that it is.
I don’t know. I don’t have answers for you, only thoughts. This is tough. The easy way out is to ignore it, because after all, you don’t have facts, only guesses. And… and the fact is, this could be someone else not Erica, but bringing up the possibility could damage your marriage.
Like I already said, I don’t envy you. I’m glad I never made the choices you did.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do (or not do).
I think your kinda jumping the gun here… You see a kid that sort of looks like you on Facebook and you automatically think he’s yours because of a hookup you had years ago? What makes you think she didn’t meet someone else who happened to have similar traits? How are you certain the kid is even the right age for such a scenario to be possible? And even if it *is* true, she spent 13 years without any attempt to find you and let you know this was a possibility. What makes you think she or the child want anything to do with you?
With all due respect, you’re on an anxiety-fueled flight of fancy. Say nothing. Not to your wife, and not to Erica. Doing so would just cause a lot of stress all around and could very easily make you look like a fool if it turns out he’s not yours. *Especially* if she already knows who the father is and you were just jumping to conclusions. If he’s yours and they want you in their lives, they’ll find you. Until then, move on with your life.
I can’t believe people here are actually telling you not to pursue this. If this is your child, Erica had to go through pregnancy and 13 years of single motherhood, because both of you fucked up, but only she had to bear the consequences. The correct and honorable thing to do is to contact her, and if she confirms that it could be yours, to do a paternity test and then try to make up for the 13 years you weren’t part of your child’s life. The kid deserves to know who their father is, too – and to actually have him active in his life.
So you never thought after the condom broke to contact her a few days later to see if she was alright? You knew were she lived.
Didn’t you think… o maybe I shouldn’t be having sex in this state and this woman is also very drunk?
You sounds like an AH, to be honest. I don’t even know what you want at this point.
Slow the fuck down.
It isn’t just yourself you’ll be fucking over if you have this wrong.
You have your own family now, and you merely suspect that kid may be yours. Approaching this other woman opens you (and your family) up to all sorts of
financial and legal exposure.
Your primary obligation is to your wife. You’re supposed to operate as a team.
If you think that even broaching this ‘long-shot maybe’ is going to hurt your marriage,
then think really hard about whether you want to risk it.
If, having discussed it with your wife, she nixes reaching out, then that’s that.
JM2
Op why tf are you trynna complicate your life? There’s nothing to suggest the kid is yours beside coincidence, this could leave you on the hook for child support and could affect your marriage.
Talk to your wife first. If you decide to go through with it you need to put your wants and desires aside and focus on the kid. Do what’s in their best interest, mental health and stability. I would follow Erica’s lead as your are a complete stranger trying to insert yourself into her and her child’s life uninvited. She has raised and cared for this child without you for 13 years and your presence may be completely unwelcome.
Taking a step back here OP.
What do you KNOW? Nothing.
Why do you care now, when for the last 13 years you didn’t?
Not judging you here, just trying to understand.
You are overthinking this, and also making a lot of assumptions with no verifiable data.
What outcome do you want here?
It’s not all about you!
Actually considering the stakeholders, practically NONE of this is about you.
Would you for example contact Erica and have this discussion AND ignore that she may not want it, also had 13 years of making her own decisions and none of them involved you, so why would they now?
13y child, who already has a father in his life.
Basically, your mess right now, is YOUR MESS, live with it!
Don’t make your mess, mess up a kid and his mum/family when you have only 13 year old drunken memories as your “evidense”.
Assuming he is your son, considering his age, and his mother’s wishes not to involve you, and that she maintains that 13 years and counting, and that you drink and drive, make poor life choices, she’d be excused for protecting her babies from such an influence.
If you anything, wait until he’s and adult before contacting Erica.
I get that you’re finding out about this now, BUT you KNEW the condom broke, and the “oh well” response has consequences.
What did you do at the time? NOTHING.
Which is why you do nothing now also.
That boat sailed 13 years ago, and you chose to be not on board.
Way too many people being ridiculous in this thread. You sound like you want to do the right thing and you should. Talking to your wife should be first, this is a scary thing and I’m sure it won’t be easy for her either but don’t let it weigh on your conscience forever. There is a way to do this privately and you should try to be, so incase you’re wrong it doesn’t affect anyone’s lives unnecessarily. Your wife should be involved in the whole process, for your own protection and probably for emotional support on both your parts. If I were in your shoes I would be scared shitless and need my wife to help me navigate. I hope all goes well my dude.
The confirmation would be, her son’s birthday, if it’s roughly 9 months after you had sex.
Yes, you should reach out, and ask her what his birthday is.
I guess it depends on what you actually want to happen if it is yours. Would you want to be involved? If you don’t, then just stay away. It’s not fair on the child to have someone come into its life and then go straight back out. If you would like to start a relationship then speak to your wife, and reach out to Erika and get a dna test done. Good luck
Talk to your wife OF TEN YEARS about this.