I’ve been dating this new guy for a little over a month and the other day he made an interesting comment. We were joking around and he said “I would make such a good gay best friend” and I laughed and said “imagine you’re DL (not in a derogatory way, I just know that is the terminology for when a man may be gay but has not fully come out yet)” and he stayed quiet and the vibe of the room changed. He looked a little nervous and ever since then I’ve been realizing little things that I never realized previously.
When we have sex he never finishes, and once it was very hard to get him hard, which I have never experienced because I’m a fairly attractive girl. He also has A LOT of girl friends, and sometimes speaks feminine as a “joke”. He is very popular at our school, but I’ve never heard of him talking to any girls I know of, other than when he explicitly told me who he’s been with here.
I don’t know, I feel like I’m reading into it too much and it’s probably nothing, but because we’ve only been dating for a month I’m scared to ask. What should I do?
TL;DR : My new boyfriend made an interesting comment and I’m scared he may be gay but DL
7 comments
This is one of those things that you need to talk about. It’s not a zit that will go away, this will bite you sooner or later(if that is the case). (EDIT: Oh, for some reason I thought you were together for a year, one month might be really hard to bring this topic up)
Does he come from religious background where it’s not cool to not be hetero?
That’s one thing, here comes the rest. Getting up or finishing – those things are not about you, meaning it is not a measure or indication whether you are attractive or not so do not take it as such. Is it a bit unusual, kinda yeah.
I think overall if there is something like this in relationship the quickest way to get an answer is to talk to the so.
P.S. Having girl friends as a guy does not mean you are gay, could we get rid of that stereotype?
Yeah… it seems like he’s trying to tell you something. A man doesn’t call himself a “gay best friend” because he’s straight. It seems like he was testing your reaction. Maybe he’s bi, maybe he’s gay, you’re going to have to bring it up eventually.
Definitely a difficult situation! Maybe it would be worth having a conversation with him about it. He may not want to talk, or may be evasive, but letting him know that you’d rather be friends who are honest with each other than significant others who aren’t could help! This may not be a healthy romantic relationship for you to pursue, because of all the indicators. Trust your gut, be honest, and just remember that whatever happens, it will be okay!
Is he still nervous? If he’s acting normal again, I wouldn’t bring it up. If he is gay then it’s best to let him come out on his own terms. Maybe he’s bi, too. Or just gender-nonconforming in some way. If you’re having fun dating each other and he’s acting normally, then there’s no real need to discuss it.
If he’s still acting nervous since then, you could reassure him. “I noticed you’re a little nervous after I made that joke about you being DL, I’m really sorry for making you uncomfortable.” if he wants to discuss it further with you, then this allows him to. If he wants to pretend it never happens he can just say thanks and you both move on.
Sexuality is not truly a binary black and white thing as portrayed in media.
You two are “only” 21 so I think your boyfriend might still be figuring out his sexuality. From what you describe his joke could have been just that – and then your comment made him start to doubt/ consider stuff he hadn’t thought about before.
IMHO as a guy who would sometimes be “very happy” in a way some people interpret as feminine when I was younger I absolute could feel triggered by people teasing me/ making gay comments like the one you made. In reality something considered “gay” behaviour in the west today could be considered “normal hetero” behaviour in Asia (e.g. look up hand holding between guys).
Personally I’ve never had the urge to do anything sexually with a man if that helps as a frame of reference.
The sexual performance stuff could be so many things: if you’re very pretty this could also cause some anxiety. If you make the sex less focused on orgasms I bet you would both enjoy it more – sex can be awesome even without an orgasm. (Ofc I’m just going off of the few lines of information you provided)
Best of luck!
I understand questioning his sexuality from these instances and wanting to have an answer so if he WAS gay you could cut your losses at 1 month instead of years down the road when you’ve invested a lot only to be blindsided. But the only thing you CAN do is ask and accept whatever answer he gives. It could be the truth, it could be a lie to stay closeted, it could be the truth as far as he’s aware and he could change his mind later down the road. You’ll either have to accept his answer or decide if that’s too risky and end it now to look for someone you are certain isn’t gay. It’s true that you shouldn’t push him to question himself and he needs to do that on his own terms if he hasn’t already, but asking now rather than later isn’t wrong. It’s important for you to know as you search for a partner you (probably) want longterm.
>once it was very hard to get him hard, which I have never experienced because I’m a fairly attractive girl.
Is anyone going to hone in on this particular comment?