I started dating my boyfriend 4+ months ago and everything’s going great. This is the best relationship I’ve been in, he loves me, adores me and we both are really serious about this (both our families know already). He has introduced me to his friends, and I’ve met most of them. I am a foreign student, so I don’t really have much friends here.
I met this girl who’s one of his closest friends, who also works for him part time, she was really nice and friendly, followed each other on social media etc. She is really attractive, have photos of her wearing lingerie on her insta, and is open about the fact that she’d love to have a sugar daddy. I never felt threatened by their friendship, infact I’d ask my boyfriend to check on her since she herself is on a work visa, and is going through a lot.
This one time when she had an issue, I went with my boyfriend to see her and she was crying. She hugged my boyfriend and started crying while I stood there uncomfortably. But still I didn’t say anything, cz it’s the normal jealousy that any girlfriend would have!
She had a surgery done last week, and my boyfriend was so busy and she had told him that he stopped being a good friend after he started the relationship. I never want to be that girlfriend who asks the guy to stop seeing friends. So I asked him why he didn’t check on her, send her a get well soon card and flowers etc. So he’s gonna meet her tomorrow, to check on her as we talked.
In my hear, I thought they might go out for dinner and he’d come see me on his way back home. But today I got to know that he’s going to her apartment, going to take food with him, eat it in her bed, watch a movie (7-10.30pm) before coming to see me.
It’s something they used to do before, but now he’s in a relationship! I feel so heavy in my heart. I’ve been cheated on in my previous relationships, so I’m really scared. I don’t wanna say anything because I want him to understand that this is inappropriate.
Am I being too insecure? Or is he actually not understanding the boundaries?
11 comments
I think the hugging and crying is perfectly fine because some people just need support and can’t help themselves.
That said, your being uncomfortable at the fact your boyfriend is going to stay late over at her house is totally valid. I’d say to tell your boyfriend you’d be more comfortable if you two would go out instead / if he would leave earlier / if you could come along, etc. He should understand that while not necessarily a bad thing, a lot of people would reasonably not be entirely comfortable with it.
He can still be a good friend to her while setting a few more boundaries. And if she’s a good friend, she’ll also understand why.
I don’t think you’re being insecure. You should talk to your boyfriend about this
You’ve said you don’t want to say anything because you want him to understand that this is inappropriate, but he may have previous experience that it’s normal behaviour. If you let him know, he’ll understand it’s inappropriate behaviour in your relationship. You’re proverbially shooting yourself in the foot by wanting an outcome you are not willing to work for – which is telling him. Expecting him to be a mindreader is unfair on everyone. Communication now will make your relationships better.
In short, not saying anything because you want him to inherently know what you expect will not create understanding that this is inappropriate behaviour. Talking to him about this will.
What thoughts are making you insecure? Why are they spending the time together in the first place?
Do you trust him?
Wouldn’t wanna be in that relationship
A lot of people will probably disagree with me, but IMO you can’t keep your partner from seeing their friends solely on the basis of them being the opposite gender. If he’s not faithful he’s gonna cheat anyway, you can tell him to stop seeing her, but then he might do it in secret. Tbf, watching a movie and eating food is typical friend stuff, so not something to be super worried about and like you said that’s what they did before too. You got to keep your eyes open for signs that there’s more than friendship and if he can’t be trusted then dump him. That’s all you can do really.
What I don’t understand is why you never felt threatened by their friendship before and now you do, even though you told him to check on her. Did anything change after that?
It’s okay to feel insecure in a relationship. Its understandable that after having been cheated on, you feel threatened by his friendship. Their closeness reminds you of those previous times and you’re scared that it might be happening again.
It sounds like you two aren’t on the same page about what’s appropriate in your relationship. If he thought this was inappropriate then he wouldn’t have done it.
Not everyone thinks and feels the same way about relationships. Even someone who loves you is still a separate person. [You can’t expect your boyfriend to read your mind](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/adventures-in-dating/201501/do-you-need-your-partner-be-mind-reader). This is most likely an innocent misunderstanding.
Have a conversation with him. Make sure that [both of your needs are equally important](https://positivepsychology.com/non-violent-communication/) in that conversation. See what he can do to reassure you of his commitment. See what you can do to become more secure in yourself.
Finally, neither of you gets to decide what the other is “allowed” to do in your relationship. When two people come together, they both get to be their full selves. Sometimes two peoples’ needs are not compatible. If you or he is uncomfortable with giving the other what they want, then you will need to reconsider the future of your relationship.
So better to talk about this now than after you’ve been together for years.
Yeah, that’s too much tbh
Don’t think you’re being overly insecure since it is a common feeling, like that concern, particularly if things have happened in the past .
Part of it may be him not realizing that you have that boundary or that it bothers you. Especially if you’ve not communicated that to him.
Sorry that’s weird as fuck
And as a guy I’m telling u, we’re not just friends with a girl just cause…. almost every guy is trying to get a nut in
Females r so oblivious 🤣🤣🤣