trying to get life back on track

the last 2-3 years have torn my spirit down in ways i didn’t know possible. the details would be too immense/convoluted but things were so terrible that i wasted my last two years of teen hood and also my first year of being twenty absolutely feeling sorry for myself and being on the verge of committing nearly every day. i only found out i was autistic when it was brought to my attention the same time i was (and have been) suffering from autistic burnout. the trauma i was suffering (situation/family-wise) led me to develop extreme depression and anxiety and i self isolated as a coping mechanism, extremely. like ghosting old friends because i genuinely thought i was going to be gone in months, my mind 100% believed that to be true. i gave up, i stopped fighting and let my trauma and situation get the better of me.

its now going on nearly 3 years of this and i have no idea how i survived. maybe i really am scared of dying, but that doesn’t mean i’ve stopped desperately wanting that. as funny as it sounds i saw a meme basically saying, “don’t kill yourself, be patient, you will die eventually” which put things into perspective. i could die tomorrow or drive my car off an overpass next week. some freak blood clot could kill me from the inside or i could get shot by the heightened gun violence that surrounds my area. additionally my life is in my own hands so if i’m brave enough i can always take the wheel back to control my fate, whenever i’d like.

so there’s that. my instagram hasn’t posted since january 2021, and i totally fell off of social media. it’s a huge way to stay connected now. i also haven’t liked anyones pictures (or talked to them) since then. i totally brought this loneliness upon myself and in a way i know it’s the karma i was going to face if i didn’t just off myself like originally planned. i just didn’t want anyone to miss or feel for me when i did.

my first therapist appointment is later today. i want to have high hopes for it. she specializes in DBT and accepts my insurance. i tried lexapro/zoloft months ago but found i was highly allergic to it and lost confidence. i’m now on welbutrin and it seems to be.. alright.

i self isolated and i can’t stop. after the burnout i also lost many, many social skills and have reverted from an outgoing jokester into an incredibly awkward, shy person. no matter when people tell me i’m funny or they love how i tell stories, i still find myself misreading situations and not picking up on facial expressions. i fear new people, it’s the unknown and i don’t want to let more people down. i know i have social anxiety but it’s not enough to keep me from going grocery shopping, only connecting with others on a human basis so that i exist on the outskirts and look on, well aware of my shortcomings, no matter how many self help books i buy.

i question now, is there hope for me? it’s been years since this spiral and i don’t know if apologies mean anything anymore after all this time, or if it’s not even worth it to them and to let them live in peace. i don’t know if it would be right to reach out after all of this. for context, they’re high school friends, we’re all around twenty now. we graduated the wonderfully quiet year of 2020.

what i do with my social media? there have been times when i’ve been asked to follow someone on instagram but i never could because i haven’t been using it and the only account i have (had since middle school) is filled with unread messages and unliked posts that rightfully guilt me into only checking it less than every other month.

lastly, socially, how do i move forward?

i want to meet people, i want to make connections, it’s really all we have going for us in this age, i know it’s increasingly difficult. i want to clean up after myself so i can finally right wrongs and at least improve myself before i die. i want to be kind again and do good by people.