This man and I have been friends with benefits on and off for years now. I can already tell you, he doesn’t want what I do and, for now, that’s fine. He’s been probably my closest friend for a few years now. When we get to see each other, we are very compatible. We have sex, we do activities, deep conversation, and things are great. Then, we go our separate ways, I’m currently living in another state for work.
A couple of months ago, he had a jacket stolen that had some cool artwork on it. I messaged his mom who I met once to ask if she could get me his size and then I had a new one commissioned by the artist. When he got it he called me crying saying that it was the best gift he’s ever gotten and he is so in love with me. I was flatted and I bought it for him because I love him and if I could make things work for a relationship, I would, but they won’t.
Well today, I got a message from his mom saying that he is a terrible man that uses me for sex. That he is worthless, and no woman should ever want to be with him. She then proceeded to list all of these things about him that he’s “hiding” I actually knew quite a few things she told me. One being that he sees other girls, I see other men so this is an understanding we have. The thing is, they live together, and he helps her take care of his dad, so I am confused.
What do I even say to her? What do I say to him? Do I even tell him about this?
Tl;dr friend with benefits mom messaged me about ending the relationship.
EDIT: She also said I shouldn’t have wasted my money sending him that extravagant jacket?
Update: oh god, she sent another message. She knows I miscarried last year… we specifically agreed to not tell anyone.
49 comments
Yes, you should tell him so he can decide what he wants to do about his mother.
What level of care does his Dad need (what’s his ailment)? Maybe his mom’s become deranged from caregiving stress.
Oh yeah, I’d tell him about this.
Tell him if you want. From her perspective, it probably seems like he is using you for sex. If you had been under the impression that he wasn’t seeing anyone else while you were giving him expensive gifts, you probably would have appreciated the heads-up.
My grandfather’s mother warned my grandmother about her son being a womanizer among other things and told her not to marry him, and she was 100% correct. They divorced only a few years later. Sometimes moms know.
Yeah, you tell him. But his mom is trying to do right by you and thinks highly of you; it comes from a good place. Sounds like she and her son are both in a high stress sitch. Tread gently.
I think she’s concerned that he’s not being upfront about the nature of y’alls relationship. Especially after you gave a very thoughtful, probably expensive gift. Truly going above and beyond for girl code. I would just message back something to the effect that you and him are on the same page regarding the nature of y’alls relationship and that you are content with it. I would let him know about it for sure. That’s not something you want him to find out from her. Sounds like she could also be having a tiff with him about something.
Idk, maybe she is trying to warn you.
The fact of the matter is you want more from someone then they are willing to give. Take this chaos as a sign to exit. Find someone who wants what you want now and wants it with you.
Sounds like she doesn’t grasp your guys’ situation, and has severely judged him for what she thinks is happening. Can’t tell if she’s being nasty, or sincerely trying to warn you off of spending money on him, if she’s assuming he’s cheating on you.
It sounds like the mom is just trying to look out for you tbh. I would warn women about a guy like this if I was the mom and they were messaging me. The friend group I have hates womanizers though so maybe we just have different standards for the men in our lives. I don’t mean that in a negative way either. Men that use women bother me (and most people I know) but if it doesn’t bother you then I would just tell the mom that you don’t mind just being friends with benefits with her son. She will probably drop the issue then if she sees you are OK with not seriously dating her son. On the other hand if you are telling the mom you want to be with him and not just friends with benefits.. I can see why she is telling you to leave him. She probably knows that’s never gonna happen and you are only going to get hurt in the end. It happens a lot.
[removed]
I believe the mother thinks you guys are in a relationship and that he is cheating on you. Is just miscommunication, you have to sit down and talk it out. Form what his mom told you is nothing you didn’t know about maybe except the situation he lives with his parents, but the situation is understandable. About a relationship you guys should talk and see how it goes, compatibility and such matters a lot .
What other things did she say besides him seeing other women? The miscarriage thing seems like a serious breach of trust.
If his own mom says he’s bad, she’s either crazy herself or looking out for you.
Wow the comments on this are insane. Totally supportive of you and your FWB, sounds like you communicate well and that you’re both being responsible with each other.
This is a situation there’s no right answer, but here’s my advice anyway: I think you should tell him. Talk to him, preferably on the phone or in person so there’s voice tone, and say ‘hey your mom sent me some unusual messages, do you have the space for this right now?’ —because if she’s having caregiver stress, either her or his dad could be affecting him as well outside of all this.
Then if he wants to know what she said, do screenshots or showing him if in person instead of describing it. Let him know exactly all you said here—that you weren’t sure what to do but not telling felt questionable too. Leave space for him to decide what to do or think about it, like don’t give opinions just facts. I think even saying anything like “this is crazy” (which it totally is) might set a bad dynamic going forward.
Idk thats my best advice. Sorry Reddit people are wild.
Honestly OP the man’s mother contacting you is a huge red flag. Sure you might think his problems don’t bother you because your fwb but yeah obviously he s broken trust, are you sure his jacket was stolen? What else has he said about you?
Just because you’re not in a relationship doesn’t mean he shouldn’t respect you and shouldn’t use you.
I would thank her for her concern, but then explain to her the nature of your guys’ relationship and how it’s not what she thinks.
She’s either crazy, or she thinks she is looking out for you.
He has broken your trust by telling her about the miscarriage.
Don’t respond to her. Take time to think this over before reaching out to tell him. If one of the draws of the whole situation was that it felt easy and safe, then it’s possible that phase is over and your FWB dynamic has run its course.
Tell him what his mom told you about him living with another women, because it sounds like you didn’t know he was living with someone which even thou you guys are FWB and not committed just seems like something that should have been disclosed prior aka when she moved in
& Honestly I’d call him and have a serious conversation about your future together as either FWB or in a serious committed relationship cause you said in the post you both love each other/if you could make a relationship work you would.
If he doesn’t want a relationship then tell him you acknowledge it and then choose for yourself if you want to stay FWB or not; it does seem like his mom either thinks or wants you guys to be together based on her coming to you to trash talk him BUT that could also be that she has some undiagnosed mental health issues
His mom seems unaware that the two of you aren’t in a relationship. I personally would not want to cover for my child if I thought they were cheating in a monogamous relationship. He also isn’t respecting very basic things you’ve asked of him. I would personally say maybe it’s time to re think this situationship.
If you love him, stop sleeping with him hoping one day he’ll realise how wonderful you are and fall in love with you. Him telling someone about your miscarriage is not ok at all, he doesn’t seem like a good friend anyway
I wouldn’t even respond. Tell the guy if it bothers her, especially about him sharing that you had a miscarriage (I’m so sorry for that, I can’t imagine what that’s like)
Block her and carry on
Always believe the mom.
I would really consider what his mom told you. It’s a red flag if the mom has to go to this length. If I had a loser son, I’d warn girls he’s dating too, and it’s up to them if they want to take the risk or not. I’m sure his mom knows WAY MORE than you. She’s probably looking out for you and saving you trouble which will save her trouble too.
Well she’s right though?
Like its obvious from your post that he’s using you and isn’t a good use of your time. Just tell her thanks but your relationship is casual and you’re fine with him seeing other people (I mean not fine but you accept it)
Obviously you’re in it for his p3nis and the cool lil friendship ya’ll got going on. Maybe when you’re not around he tells his mom ya’ll are more than what ya’ll actually are cause she wouldn’t understand thus making her concerned and wanting to warn you about the other things. The miscarriage situation. You should seriously talk to him cause he crossed the line. You guys specifically agreed to not tell anyone which would include his family. The only problem about this situation is the miscarriage part. Having a relationship with him is impossible like you already stated plus you see he has slot to work on before even getting into one with him if one day it was magically possible. Bless her heart for trying to warn you with good intentions (hopefully). Also just because he helps with dad doesn’t mean she’s going use that as excuse to let him play women. (In her eyes he is but only cause she doesn’t know the truth)
First thing is do I ask him why she knows that you miscarried. If he doesn’t know that she knows then he has much bigger problems.
Is his mom aware about the nature of your relationship? If not, I can see her having a good impression about you and wants to do right by you. You can reply if you want to, but you don’t have to divulge too much. Probably just say that you and her son are just really good friends and that you aren’t in a romantic relationship
I think she’s just trying to warn you to not get involved because this guy really doesn’t care about you. But it’s your life, so if you want to spend years on someone who sees you as a sex thing, you should.
I would think on it all and not tell him about his mum contacting you at this time, she’s reached out to you for a reason he doesn’t need to know everything he is not your partner
This is pretty wild. If his mother is calling, maybe see it as the universe giving you a little heads up 🌹
Don’t lose your time with situationships. Find a good man
These comments are WILD lol, I mean OP is in a consensual FWB relationship and everyones jumping to say that she’s being taken advantage of lol
I feel concerned for you, reading this.
You are having fun now and you clearly have a special bond. But the problem here is that even if you did get the happy ending you wanted and he came around to a relationship? You still wouldn’t win because of all the issues he has that make him unsuited for a relationship. The financial issues, the job situation and how his mom is implying he’s got drinking/drug issues. And even if he’s having sex with you, he wants sex with other women as well. Which isn’t that promising either.
Life is short. On one hand, this is an argument to just enjoy it. And you are having fun right now.
And the the other hand, how will you feel if you wake up in 15 years and the situation is still the same? It won’t be exactly the same. His lifestyle will have caught up with him more, healthwise and financially. His glow will fade. He’ll look more like a loser when he’s an unemployed 43 year old with a drinking problem and a beer belly, still living with his mom.
But you might also feel robbed. It’s possible to find a great guy at 43. But many of the good ones will already be married. You won’t look exactly the same either. And it’ll be too late for you to have kids.
Your feelings won’t go away as long as you keep seeing him. They’ll stay strong. I can tell you are a person who feels things deeply. So consider the timeline. At which point will you feel robbed out of the future you wanted? When does it need to end? You do want to love and be loved, to have something serious. Think about it.
Edit: his mom is just older, doesn’t understand fwb relationships and thinks he’s cheating on you. She’s just trying to protect you, in a clumsy, old person way. The miscarriage? I wouldn’t care that much, people often tell secrets to their closest friends/family. I’d note that as him feeling upset about it and needing to vent. Instead, think about the big picture. Decide on which timeline is right for you.
I personally would not tell him about his mom contacting you. You never know if you may need information from her in the future, so I wouldn’t burn that bridge.
I think she was just looking out for you as she thinks your are a good person who deserves more than what her son is giving you.
She likely thinks that you either want more of a relationship or are in a relationship with her son considering you sent a very thoughtful and expensive give in addition to having been pregnant by her son.
She knows that you were pregnant before so it is not impossible for it to happen again. She’s warning you because you do not want to get tied down by having a shared child with someone of his character.
I would thank her and move on with my life. I personally would cut the FWB relationship off, but I would most definitely not get pregnant by someone like him.
I truly hope that you are able to see what you deserve and find someone who is worthy of you.
Before the last update I would have said don’t respond to her at all. After it however, you need to have a serious talk with him.
She’s either crazy or he’s a man baby and youre in denial.
The mom just looking out for you, you hurting ur self in the long run
This post reeks of Cool Girl. There are many circles in which Cool Girl is still an accepted stance, but I can see why this guy’s mom, however she misinterprets the terms of the relationship, believes you deserve better.
I feel like the mom is giving you a heads-up
It does seem like you’re holding a torch for him and pretending you’re FWB and that it doesn’t matter that he doesn’t want a relationship. She sees you wasting your life.
Take her advice. It will never work out
Frankly I’m more curious about the miscarriage part. How does she know about it? Did he tell her? Did she snoop through his phone or computer, and saw the messages between you?
If he told her, how did that go? Did he tell her that he was sleeping with you and you accidentally got pregnant, or did he say it more like “OP got pregnant and miscarried” and his mother put 2 and 2 together and figured he was the father?
Either way, it sounds like his mother is trying to warn you and protect you. She knows what her son is like and is (rightfully) concerned that he’s going to leave you hurt. I’d say she’s right, because the truth is that you love this guy while he doesn’t feel the same for you. And for the record, even if you think you’re both “clean” of STDs, _always use protection, especially when you both sleep with other people on the side._
You have three options here:
– you don’t respond at all and continue sleeping with your friend (will probably be awkward);
– you respond to her that you’re aware of all she’s said and that’s your mutually agreed upon arrangement with her son (will be awkward), and ask her not to message you again;
– you break it off with him if you’re in love but he doesn’t return your feelings.
I say just tell her what your relationship is really with him, if you want to that is, and also ask how she knows about the miscarriage. I hope every thing turns out well for you in the end. 🤍
You plainly state you are in love with this guy and want to be in a relationship with him but he won’t do that. The mom also sees that (or thinks you think you are) and it makes her sad that her son won’t commit it to you. It makes me sad too. You could be spending all this time and energy and caring on someone who really appreciates it instead of some guy who is just floating through life doing whatever he wants. You’re 28 and you’re wasting your time.
Anyway I bet the mom got in to a fight with her son where she was pushing him to commit to you and he will not do it. She wants you to dump him and find something better.
Yeah, at 28, non committal, living at home and mommy drama get rid of him. He’s a clown.
Honestly, I’d try to casually slip in a question about your miscarriage.
Something like:
“Hey, you know how I felt when I had the miscarriage, but how do you feel? I know we agreed not to talk about it with anyone, but if you feel like you need to confide in someone else in order to help deal with how it’s affecting you, that’s fine. Just give me a heads up beforehand, if possible.”
You do that for a couple of reasons.
One, he could have been as shaken up by it as you were. People tend to overlook the male perspective of something like this, but a miscarriage can affect the man just as hard as it does the woman. Just in different ways.
Two, it opens up the opportunity for him to come clean about telling his mother. Because he could have confided in her during the immediate aftermath, when he was still dealing with the shock of your miscarriage, or it could have been something more malicious on her part. She could have been snooping on his phone, or eavesdropping on your conversations. Or he could have told her while ignoring the agreement you two made.
Then, go seek a therapist. To help you deal with the emotional trauma of the miscarriage and your confrontation with his mother.
Your looking at this all wrong. That’s mother in law material righ there.
She has got your back, even though she doesn’t know you
He talks to his mam, and confides in her about a life changing event that, you, (and I’m assuming him also) went tru.
Think outside the box. If you want a romantic relationship with him, then know that you are both respected and cared for by his mam. That’s rare
– as a friend, he broke your trust. I won’t ask if the loss you experienced involved him, but if it did and he needed additional support he should have told you he wanted to speak to his mother. So another hit to his character which does seem…a bit lacking
– while I understand feeling like she maybe overstepped, the optics here are not that of a traditional FWBs situation. You have a lot of commitment here, it’s a long-standing arrangement in which you both claim to love each other, and she sees you invest financially and emotionally. She sought to warn you. There is an imbalance here.
– i, and many other commenters, are picking up on the point that you state, with full certainty, that this will never be a relationship. You state this plainly but also it’s sounding a bit cloak and dagger, *why* is that not possible? Is it something he said? Is it who you know him to be?
– compared with that point, you also engage in this relationship with boundaries that one usually doesn’t see in FWB situations. **Generally FWB do keep certain boundaries in place so that the emotional intimacy doesn’t become so great that it’s hard to change back to a purely friendship dynamic should one of you end up with a new partner.** But here, the emotional intimacy is deep, you both state to love each other, and engage sexually. Maybe that’s just what you want but there could be repercussions to having that dynamic if it ever needs to change.
Ultimately I think you may need to think about his place in your life and whether you want to redefine that. Maybe that means new boundaries for your FWB situation, maybe it’s more serious.
Once you reflect on that, I would tell him his mom reached out. But you need to be ready for the resulting conversation. What she said wasn’t just her being concerned because she had the wrong idea. Part of her concern was the *imbalance* she sees between you. Even just as a friend, are you giving more than you receive? And be honest with yourself. Don’t escape that question by simply insisting you don’t care. Consider, logistically, do you give more.
For his mom, I’d thank her for her concern, and let her know that she’s not shared anything you aren’t aware of; thank her again for her kind concern.
Op, i say this with the most kindness i can express…
You sound like you are in love with a man who doesn’t love you back.
I also think his mother knows he is a piece of shit and wanted to let you know about it because you should not have a baby with this man.
You had a miscarriage, and I’m very sorry for your loss, but if you hadn’t.. would you keep that baby? Because if the answer is yes, you should know he won’t change who he is because of it. He is not going to magically transform into this amazing father and partner for you.
You said you would do whatever it takes to make a relationship work between you two, which means the issue is he doesn’t want it.
Waiting for a man who doesn’t want you is going to be devastating for your self esteem and mental health.
If you already know you do want a baby, and a family, cut him off. He is not father material nor husband material, and you can meet someone else better for you.
I think that the universe send us signs when we are about to make a choice which is going to lead us to a very hard, very painful life. And I think the universe is sending you those signs right now, and you should listen.
I was seeing a guy once whose mother I met for coffee one day and she detailed a list of reasons why her son was a “loser” and that I was a lovely young woman and could find someone far better for me. I wish I had the courage to listen to her at the time. I brushed it off as her being jealous of my relationship with him. She was right.