So this guy I liked recently turned me down saying it’s because we work together. I respect his decision and I don’t disagree with him but now I’m just so hurt.
It wasn’t a normal crush for me, I think he’s the first guy I fell for completely based on his personality. We’ve been working together for 1.5 years so we’ve gotten to know each other quite well. He means a lot to me.
I thought the feeling was mutual too, he’d joke and flirt with me, even some of our teammates picked up on it so I was pretty shocked when he turned me down.
I see him everyday and he’s still kind to me at work, he jokes around and is still friendly to me. The problem is that now I just want to cry whenever he’s nice to me.
I don’t want to “get back out there” because all I’ll be thinking about is how this guy isn’t the guy I want. I just feel so inadequate and stuck.
Any advice Reddit?
25 comments
Aww im sorry that sucks . Like you were saying I don’t think you can do anything you respected his decision . Just take some time for yourself to heal. Hope you feel better soon.
That sucks but you cant really do much :/
These things pass. Don’t overreact to your emotions.
Some people take the idea of not having a relationship at work very seriously, regardless of their feelings.
You are in a tough spot because of the uncertainty. He could not like you that way and be using work as a way to let you down easy. Or he could like you, but someone he trusts like and older sister may tell him not to do an office romance, because that is always the advice everyone gives – apparently it never works out.
The easiest way to get over him will be to remove yourself from this situation so that you don’t need to see him all the time. Ask for a department transfer or look for a new job.
An alternative would be to start actively dating. Maybe even sleep around a bit and have one night stands. Personally, I find having other romantic interests helps me move on from past ones. You need to totally shift your focus and energy on to someone new. Even if you have to take it to make it for a bit.
Yes, get over it and move on. Stop being creepy around him.
You guys weren’t even dating lol just “move on”. I say that I’m quotes bc you weren’t in a relationship you just thought it would go some where etc and got your hopes up.
Then move the fuck on… jeez. It’s a thing – workplace ethics. You don’t fuck where you work. It’s pretty simple. But -newsflash- perhaps he just isnt into you.
And ppl can be nice and friendly and that’s it AND just do not want to date you.
BTW It’s really fucking toxic. If you were a guy and was expecting a girl you fancied at work who were nice to you to fuck you just because she was nice to you… ppl would blow a gasket… stay in your lane. Look elsewhere.
It’s really better to leave work and personal lives separate. Not dating a coworker is honestly a smart choice. He probably has his reasons and let him have them. Sounds like he’s not being rude and really enjoyed your company but wants to keep it strictly professional. Be moody for a bit then grab yourself by the straps and keep going. You’ll be fine
My girlfriend and I both work at the same place, but we dated before I started there. However we are literally around each other 24/7 because we also live together. Sometimes it’s nice and other times we want to strangle each other cause there’s not much personal time.
BOUNDARIES. Learn them. Use them. Ask him to stop “jokingly” flirting with you. Despite the fact that he’s “joking” when he flirts, you still developed real feelings, which is why you asked him out. As a result the “jokes” now affect you negatively. If he gets angry at you, or accuses you of being “childish”, that’ll be the death knell you need to kill any remaining feelings you have for him. If he agrees, then great. You continue to grow and eventually move on.
Good for you though — you were brave, took your shot and atleast now you know where he’s at so the ‘what if’ misery is over. Time for moving on.
This is exactly why I never believe that anyone is flirting with me, it’s so damn easy to misinterpret those sorts of signs as something else
While me, and apparently most of the commenters, don’t understand why you are so devastated. I’m not going to minimize your feelings.
Instead, when crushed the best therapy is to smile and have fun. In your situation just keep your head up and move forward. Try to get back into normal. Think positively.
Eventually the hurt fades. The awkwardness subsides. You are back to where you were.
My advice? (I’m gong to be blunt.)
He’s just not that into you. He’s just a friendly person and you took his friendliness as something else. You think it’s not a normal crush. Trust me, it’s a normal crush. Get over it (easier said than done, I know, but you have no choice). Not everyone we like likes us back the same way. It sucks but that’s the real world.
He also not wrong about work-related romances.
So… do your job, start looking at him like a big-bro and that’s it.
But I do admire you for going out on that limb. It may be painful right now but at least you know you and he will never happen and you can move on now. Now. As in right now.
the advice i’m abt to give is horrible and absolutely shouldn’t be followed, but you could always quit and ask him out again if you think that he’s only not dating you cuz ur coworkers.
Give it time it’ll pass you’re just a bit crushed right now
Hell if I know 😞 I’m in the exact same boat. Trying my best to not be awkward around him now and not make the situation any weirder but unfortunately I still have feelings and I’m sure he can tell. I worry that maybe I always will, until we no longer work together. I just try to appear happy-go-lucky and friendly/professional but on the inside I’m really torn up, wishing I could know for sure how he feels about me.
So to be blunt, let’s say you two didn’t work together. Let’s say he turned you down even if you had no employment barricade..it might be that he used that as an excuse and was being nice to you, when likely if he’s known you for 1.5 years he’s seen or noticed something about you that disqualifies you. Turning you down because of work implies that if you didn’t work together, he’d be with you. But I have to say, I severely doubt that would be the case.
I think he’s just being nice because giving you any other reason would’ve been honest, but invited many more issues, like you thinking he’s mean and messing up the work balance. He’s not going to jeopardize his job, and that’s fine, a ton of people won’t do that. But I doubt that’s the real reason. A ton of people meet their partners at work because they spend so much time there with them. It’s natural.
I think the fact that he’s still treating you the exact same now as before you asked him out shows that his feelings and behaviors are consistent and never changed. You have a crush, that’s cool. But being rejected is no reason to cry. I think you’re past a crush and may benefit from counseling or therapy to find out why you’ve gotten into this situation, and how to handle it in the future. I don’t doubt he was nice and “flirted” but just because people are friendly it doesn’t mean you meet their dating standards. He’s not going to mess up his work life by being anything besides nice. This kind of reminds me of when men think their waiter/waitress is into them just because they’re nice and treat them well. It’s like no, man..that’s their job. And just like them, it’s in his best interest to be kind and friendly to you.
People who are interested in you will be nice and friendly, but not everyone who is nice and friendly will be into you.
Only advice
Don’t take it personally.
Was in this exact same situation, but we were both literally playing the gf-bf role (with the exception of NO physical intimacy and sex), from entire weekends spent together, to late dinners, to very frequent sleepovers at his house. (Me on the couch, he in his bed… again, no intimacy). We were joined at the hip, literally best of friends, and yes, often, flirting.
Would talk for hours on the phone, sometimes all day, and yes, when we were out with other coworkers, he would get extremely jealous when other guys would have my attention. And when my ex and love of my life came back into my life wanting to make another go of it, my coworker bestie (who maintained that he was interested in another woman) suddenly flipped his shit because I was actually considering giving it another chance.
Only for me to finally ask, “hey what’s going on with us? Is there something more here, or no?”, and for him to gaslight me saying that “he didn’t do coworkers, he was emotionally unavailable anyway, and sorry, he never meant to lead me on.”
::cue the crickets::
So I decidedly stepped OUT of my pseudo gf role and went back to work associate, with all the professional trimmings. No weekends over, limited phone calls, no hangouts, and professional interactions only… per his standards. And of course, he was “hurt” and “upset” and “missed me”.
Bitch, please.
Girl. You can’t win for losing with these fools.
Not trying to make this about me, but listen: Some people just like the attention. I’m not demonizing your coworker at all, but as with my situation, it’s very possible that he just enjoys a woman’s attentions and there was no more to it.
I know it’s hard to move on. It was for me. But the moment I felt most powerful was when I took his word at face value, reclaimed my attentions, and moved on.
If he just wants a coworker, give that to him. Full force, with a smile like I did, and do your best to cast your line back into the sea of love.
❤️❤️❤️ I’m rooting for you.
I feel like a lot of comments are missing the point… everyone here is just saying “just move on”, like dude thats not helpful at all. I’m sure op would love to just move on, any of y’all have advice on *how* to move on?
As for not wanting to jump in the market again, that sounds pretty normal to me, it might take a little time to feel like putting yourself back out there again. I do however recommend trying to keep on top of self care, try to keep in touch with your social circle, go do activities you enjoy. Some people have trouble moving on from a crush because they have been fantasising about how great it would be and how happy it would make them (this might not be op, but its common), so it might be easier if you spend time investing in your own happiness for a bit.
An idle mind is a devil’s playground. The toughest part is getting over the inertia of occupying your time and headspace. I wish u strength
Just to say that I’ve been on your shoes, I know how hard it is to remain professional but hurting a lot inside. Having to hide so no one knows. What I can tell you is sometimes people lead us on without intention (and I’m not saying he had bad intentions, it’s just some people have flirtier personalities). If it’s too hard, change jobs or team if you can. If you’re stuck there… just go on with your life and try to keep your mind out of it. It’s really hard. Sending hugs
@matchavailable634 The only useful advice here is @ashiahd , the one about stating your boundaries. This is the only adult response. It will elicit respect (including self respect) and get you the head space you need without needing to give up your work.
(Also everyone who has said your feelings are valid. Ignore anyone who suggests otherwise.)