Me (25F) and my boyfriend (30M) have been dating for few months. Few weeks into dating he confessed to me that he had cheated on his ex and that was the reason why they broke up and I could tell he was really ashamed of what he did.
He even said that he had payed for her therapy sessions afterwards and tried everything he could to help her get through that.
So the problem is this girl (30F) doesn’t leave him alone since. She keeps reminding him how bad he treated her and is clearly manipulating and guilt tripping my boyfriend. We have blocked her number on his phone and on every social media but the other day when we got back from dinner we found that she had sent a handwritten letter saying how bad she feels and how she doesn’t like that he cut the contact with her and that it makes her feel like he doesn’t care about her at all etc.
This was the last straw and I took her number from my boyfriend’s phone and texted her saying that I’m his girlfriend and I’m really sorry for everything that happened and we had decided together that cutting contact with her completely would help her to move on sooner and that I wish her all the best. I haven’t heard from her though.
it really does bother me when she tries to contact my boyfriend and I can’t help but get mad at him for what he did every time this happens and I can tell it really does affect our relationship. My boyfriend clearly doesn’t want to be in touch in any way but she always finds a way.
What can I do?
TL;DR my boyfriend cheated on her ex and they broke up. Now she doesn’t leave him alone and wants to ruin his new relationship with me.
8 comments
Wow she crazy. Good luck op. I dont know what to say but trying to help your post get more traction.
Just from this admittedly small snapshot of your situation, my take would be that she is a bit of a narcissist and your boyfriend is her regular supplier of attention and ‘juice’.
If this rings true for you and your dude, try approaching her in the way narcissism experts recommend – gray rocking. No drama, no reaction, just ‘yup’, ‘nope’, and get off the phone. Be boring for her. Failing that, move.
Of course it wasn’t a great that he cheateed, but to truly move on he needs to do so in his own mind. Learn and move on. Stop falling back in to the wound that this person seems to take pleasure in keeping open. Don’t fall into a pit of guilt everytime she pops up. It’s not actually helping anyone.
(and therapy for him obvi.)
He needs to tell her it’s over.
If he gets a letter again, he needs to return to sender. Save your text in case things escalate you can say it was communicated that he didn’t want to talk to her.
Cheating can really fuck up your head and I’m sure in her mind she feels its unfair that she has all this hurt and trust issues that are going to impact her relationships going forward, while he’s moving on and life is just peachy for him. You said you’ve only been dating a few months, did she know about you before you texted? How long were they broken up before that? She might feel like she’s still in the throes of a breakup and he owes her closure, but hopefully your text put a stop to that thought.
You got her number from your boyfriend’s phone? I hate to break it to you, but that’s really strange for him to have such when he’s over a “crazy ex” and has a new girlfriend.
Being cheated on will ruin a person. Cutting contact is the best you can do, and ignore her from now on. She’s likely going through absolute hell. But watch out for yourself OP. There’s no reason he wouldn’t cheat again. Though ex’s actions are invasive and inappropriate, you should be grateful to have some warning because many people have no clue about patterns of behavior like this.
She clearly is used to having his attention, albeit in a guilt tripping way. Sounds like the dynamic shifted to “he’s a piece of shit and owes me for what he did.” It’s unhealthy for both of them to stay in this loop. He paid for her therapy, but has he gone to therapy? I’m not excusing his cheating but it sounds like he truly feels guilty and now she won’t let it go.
Even if you two dont work out, they need to cut ties. Explain to him at great length the psychological damage she is causing to him, and in turn he is perpetuating. Do not contact her again. Grey rock her and move on.
Your boyfriend clearly destroyed her mental health.. If I were you I’d take her state as a cautionary tale for what might happen to you in the future if you keep dating him, he doesn’t sound like a good person if he managed to get his ex all twisted and fucked up like that..