I’m finally back at university, I dropped out the first time because of mental health.
It’s been 3 weeks and I haven’t really made many friends despite having a go at near everything and putting myself out there, I spoke to some hundreds of people.
I have TRD depression, social anxiety and PTSD (heavily traumatized from childhood). The point is this is something I have to live with, I’ve tried 14 meds, something like 8 therapists. Am I just doomed to be alone forever.
I’ve talked to 100s of people during freshers and not one liked me. It’s a lot for me considering I spend the last 2 years basically never leaving my house let alone my bed.
So it’s not that I’m not trying, but that I’m not likable. In truth it’s true, I have no life/ social experience because of my childhood, I have no passion or interest in things (it’s a thing called anhedonia) I can’t really feel enjoyment, sustain interest. But how do I make friends like this?
I’ve nothing to say, no emotional reactions to what people say, I can mask and try to laugh or smile, be more enthusiastic, but that’s it.
I spent a night talking to a guy I met who was drunk and I said near nothing in the 6 hours we talked, I had nothing to say. I’m 21 and I haven’t lived a day in my life, I feel near nothing and I haven’t done thing in 2 years, no passion, no family, no aspirations – or ones that wouldn’t bring the room down anyway – and I’ve got this trauma thing where I filter out what little I’ve to say to make sure I won’t get attacked or hurt because of it.
So so far I really put myself out there but it just seems like confirmation of my social ineptitude, my lack of personability and personality, and I don’t know what to do. I’d change my behavior, my actions if I knew how or the right way to do it.
1 comment
Congratulations on getting back into university! Building friendships takes time. All it takes is one person that you connect with to change your life. I am sorry you have struck out with meds and therapists. If it helps, think of therapists and meds like trying on shoes or clothes. You may think, “this outfit is really cute,” but then it is too short when you try it on. Dialectical behavioral therapy might be beneficial if you haven’t tried it yet. Be sure to get a therapist that specializes in it. Or, you could even try group therapy. Another thing you might be able to try is getting lab work done (getting thyroid, hormone, etc. levels checked). All that being said, it is understandable why you feel frustrated and discouraged. Making connections with people can be extremely difficult, especially if you have experienced trauma in childhood. Trauma can stunt emotional growth during childhood, so the way you are feeling now is almost certainly not your fault (I can’t say for certain because I don’t know you). It is up to you know to control the narrative for your life, though. I wish you the best of luck!