(18m)I’ve had a fetish for humiliation all my life. It’s the majority of the porn i watched. I don’t really hate it, and I do get aroused in the conventional wat a part of the time, but I do want to have a normal sex life.
I am still a virgin and I have rejected the opportunity to have sex in my past because of it, which to me sounds like it has become a big issue. I have worked a lot on acceptance this past year, but sometimes I do feel really ashamed. I already have a therapist but I am ashamed to bring up this topic. Any advice?
5 comments
First and foremost, stop watching porn, seriously.
Porn desentisizes your responses to sexual (and other) acts and you’ll need more hardcore stimuli as the time progresses – it’s basically like a drug…
A lot of people have some kind of kink or fetish, humiliation is not that special. You haven’t written if you mean humiliation of yourself of others, though…
Whether you should tell your therapist is up to you – if you trust him/her enough to be empathetic, listen to you and allow you to talk it out…
Maybe it is one of the underlying reasons why you rejected sex before and is the last obstacle on your way of self-acceptance..
Do you think about being humiliated or humiliating your partner?
I think if you fantasize about being humiliated there’s no problem. If you fantasize about humiliating your partner without having any sexual experience that’s a problem you should talk about with your therapist asap and not carrying around those fantasies and getting deeper into that rabbit hole.
its nothing to be ashamed of, work on your shame before you try to change it. Dont change yourself for a sex negative society
there’s nothing wrong with a humiliation kink, and it definitely doesn’t preclude partnership. it’s also very probably not something you can get rid of– you might better learn to deny it or channel the underlying drive into something else, but it’s likely that the desire for your kink is going to remain. and, in that case, you’d kind of always be unsatisfied, both sexually and existentially– you’d be denying and hiding a part of yourself, and carrying around the shame that impelled you to.
it might be easier and healthier to try and resolve the shame you have about it? why are you feeling that, and how can you challenge that feeling? that does take time, because you can’t just talk yourself out of an emotional reaction– you have to combine compassionate introspection with experience (for example, if you do engage in your kink with a partner, it’s likely that, over time, their favorable reaction will help decrease your shame– it’s hard to be ashamed of pleasing your partner)– but that can be done. that’s definitely something therapy might address.
The definition of when something becomes a problem is when it begins to interfere with your life and interpersonal relationships. If you feel like this is happening, you should discuss with your therapist. There is nothing wrong with addressing it, you will be able to break it down with your therapist and actually determine whether or not it is really a problem.