I first want to preface this and say my boyfriend had never shown any red flags and respects me in all ways apart from this one thing so if I sound naive or overreacting then it’s because I don’t know what to define it as.
My boyfriend tends to be quite rough in a “hyper” way and if we’re cuddling he would squeeze my boobs (not trying to start sex) without warning and sometimes it would hurt, or he’d go to put his hand down there and wiggle it and obviously with it being unexpected it can hurt or sometimes he just slaps me leg or something. I say “stop it!” “Get off!” “It’s hurts” and even though he says sorry I didn’t mean to, gets offended and says “you’re my girlfriend” so I tell him he still can’t do that. Later on he just forgets. Sometimes I’m repeating stop it stop it stop it in an annoyed tone.
I’ve had two serious talks about me not liking it and that he can’t do it and he apologies but says he just thinks I’m being “soft” and that I’m not really being hurt. He’s said this multiple times before. Today, on our two year anniversary, he does it again and I snap at him and get angry and tell him not to do it and says he’s incasing my personal space and that it’s kind of assault because he does it when I don’t want it and doesn’t listen when I say stop. He then got in a mood, stayed lying on the couch with his eyes shut and wasn’t speaking to me. I washed the pots and he still wasn’t speaking. He starts to cry and later tells me I make it sound like he’s an abuser and an assaulter. His OCD makes him terrified of being accused of that so that’s why he got so upset about it. I console him because I feel bad for ruining the day but I still stand my ground because I don’t want to feel manipulated and it go back to square one.
TL;DR: told my boyfriend he kind of assaults me and he got offended.
28 comments
Why are you tolerating this?
You are being assaulted multiple times by someone you thought you could trust. I’m sorry. This is hard on you I’m sure.
Your boyfriend cares more about himself that you and your boundaries.
Don’t take this lightly. Look at his actions. How would you feel if this was happening to a loved one?
Leave !!
He sees you as his possession, not as a separate person
If he doesn’t want to be accused of abuse then he shouldn’t abuse you.
He’s treating you like a chew toy, blames you when you tell him to stop, then acts like a whiny fuck when you stand your ground.
Stop consoling him, it’s his fault. He is being abusive, and does not respect you.
So he victim shamed you with an OCD excuse and made it about him? There are real gentlemen out there(probably don’t want to look around here) patiently waiting for the opportunity to treat you right.
He’s not listening when you tell him to stop, he’s telling you how you feel, then he makes himself the victim when you call him out on the behavior again??
He either knocks it off or he’s single. I’ve had two exes who pulled this touching thing out of nowhere. I told them both to either knock it off forever or leave, since I’m not property and I decide who touches me, when they do it and how they do it. Don’t like it? It was only a joke? Being groped and pawed at is not funny, and being ignored when you say no isn’t either.
This is extremely disrespectful and objectifying. If he can’t get it, kick him to the curb. He’ll never figure it out.
(*I put this on your other thread before it was removed.*)
He sounds like an abuser and someone who assaults you. Mental illness does not give anyone an excuse to do bad things.
As an aside, while I’m not an expert on the matter, I don’t think OCD has a symptom of “fearful of being accused of being an abuser.” At most, it would fall under anxiety but that’s such a specific thing to be anxious about for no apparent reason that -solely based off this post alone- it sounds more like gaslighting, which would mean he knows what he’s doing is bordering on SA.
Wake the fuck up and leave him. Holy shit. No red flags? Respectful? Are you listening to yourself?
No means no and stop means stop. Dump him. He doesn’t respect you, your boundaries, or your consent.
I was in a relationship a few years ago where he would do things that he knew hurt me, I would ask him to stop, and he would get offended at the implication that he’d hurt me. These instances gradually escalated into the most harmful, toxic relationship I have ever had. Hurting you, not speaking to you, not taking responsibility for his actions, freezing you out, and having you console him, are all instances of this. You started the dialogue by saying how you feel when he hurts you and it ended with **you** apologising to **him**. You started this post by saying there are no red flags. I think you should reconsider.
He is assaulting and abusing you run. Dont console him yell.you have every right to yell and yell him he is a rapest.
“had never shown any red flags and respects me ”
Um, his behavior is a giant red flag, and he does not respect you. You’ve repeatedly told him to stop and he doesn’t care, and gaslights you when you call him on it.
He’s a jerk. Move on.
>I first want to preface this and say my boyfriend had never shown any red flags and respects me in all ways
Except when it comes to your desire to not be hit, groped and harmed.
Think about why he’s slapping your legs. He can’t do that to your face without being accused of being an abuser, but with your legs, genitalia and breasts he feels there’s enough ambiguity, at least to himself, that he can get away with it. He has said
>gets offended and says “you’re my girlfriend” so I tell him he still can’t do that.
He told you he is entitled to your body and he believes that. He doesn’t respect you at all.
He knows he’s hurting you and that you don’t like this because you’ve told him several times. Which means he doesn’t care that he’s hurting you. That fact that you’ve asked him to stop and he refuses is a big enough red flag that it doesn’t really matter if you think there’s no other “red flags.” Which I can guarantee you there’s plenty of other alarming behaviors from him that you’ve been overlooking. This guy IS assaulting you. He doesn’t respect you. He stomps on the boundaries you try to laid down and then turns around and tells you that you’re too “soft.” Your boyfriend is a creep and an asshole. You should demand to be treated better by your partner. Kick this jerk to the curb.
Alot of couples are playful and such but that has to have 2 key components. One is consent. Clearly you have not given this. In fact you have asked him repeatedly to stop. The second is that it is not painful to any real measure unless that is something you request. Clearly he has also seperately crossed this line.
You are dateing a grown man who was never taught to be a man but instead acts like a grade school boy who pulls girls hair as a sign of affection. I would walk away. This is not a healthy relationship.
This is so infuriating to read. I’m going to give non therapist approved advice. You say he has never shown any red flags and respects you. Escalate this situation. Every single thing he does to you, do to him. When he says to stop, don’t. He will either finally get it, or he won’t. But that’s the only way you’ll know what everyone else knows already, that he doesn’t give a fuck about you as a person.
“He starts to cry and later tells me I make it sound like he’s an abuser and an assaulted.”
Because he IS ONE!
So he assaulted you, you told him not to, he got into a mood to make you feel bad for standing up for yourself, and when that didn’t work he started crying? Ultimately, you comforted him, “I’m sorry for making you feel bad you assaulted me”?
This is a huge red flag–classic domestic abuse behaviour and a textbook precursor to worse domestic abuse behaviour–so to see you say “he’s been great other than this one thing” is alarming. Something like this should overshadow anything else you see in him.
I’ve had this exact same issue – being told I was soft because I didn’t enjoy being pinched, groped, smacked etc. There’s nothing worse that going in for a hug and being hurt instead and being hurt then expected to just brush it off.
It is abuse if you ask for it to stop and be continues. It is 100% a red flag that he doesn’t respect your boundaries. If he makes you feel bad for enforcing your body autonomy he is manipulative.
It doesn’t matter how he intends it, it matters how it’s received. Even if he’s just playing, when you say no or stop he should stop.
My ex was obsessed with bending my fingers back and squashing me/holding me down despite him being twice my size. I would yell stop and get off over and over and flail my body, he’d call me a sook and get pissy that I was upset over him ‘just playing’.
It’s not playing if the other person always dislikes it.
Stop consoling this dude because he’s trying to make you feel bad for your perfectly normal reaction to his shitty behaviour. And yes, it IS assault, and yes, if you tell him to stop and he doesn’t and then belittles you for wanting it to stop he’s an abusive POS. Please love yourself enough to leave. You have your entire life ahead of you, don’t waste another moment on this loser.
OP, I have a question for you. If you are hanging out with a friend, and you, I dunno, start going through her bag without permission. If she tells you to stop doing that unless you ask first, are you going to go through her bag again? How many times would your friend have to tell you to knock it off before you stopped going through her purse?
When we respect and care about someone, we want to change behaviors that they don’t like. It’s really not hard to remember that “my gf doesn’t like to be groped.” I mean, you like your bf and just look at how hard you are working to try to justify your bf’s behaviors, to the point where you are half-believing that it is your fault somehow?
Basically everything you wrote about your bf was a red flag and showed a glaring lack of respect for you as an individual, your body, and you as his partner.
If he’s so afraid of being accused of assault you know what he should do? Stop assaulting you
From what you say and how your saying it, he probably looks at you as he owns you some what but I think the main thing is he’s probably into rough sex. And I’ve been with women that like it rougher than II was comfortable with giving them. Even with a woman that enjoys a forceful dominating experience you can’t start out so strong in the begin, it down right hurts. You can get your face slapped in a hurry.
You need to talk with this guy and see where he’s coming from and why he gets so rough, since he treats you ok otherwise, I bet you it’s his kind of
for-play.
One way or another he needs to change his behavior or your going to need to revaluate your relationship with this guy….
Good luck
please dump him. hes treating you like a sex object. being his girlfriend doesnt give him the right to shove his hand in your pants any time he wants to. thats not a turn on. he should be offended of his actions against you. hes assaulting you and he needs to stop it.
you didnt ruin the day and maybe he really does feel bad about it. ask him what he feels bad about. if he feels bad because you stopped him from going further then that shows hes not sorry he hurt you. dont let this drop easily and make it very clear that he wont be doing that to you anymore. if he cant respect you and your body then he can go find another girl because you dont have to put up with being treated like that. stand firm and dont let him guilt you. you did nothing wrong by saying the things you said to him.
Being your boyfriend does not mean he owns your body or has any right to touch you at any time or in any way you don’t like. Period.
>His OCD makes him terrified of being accused of that
Wah wah wah. He should learn what no means. You’re being manipulated by someone who actively denies your bodily autonomy. You tell him you don’t enjoy it, he says you’re wrong. Get real.
Dump him.
He is an abuser and assaulter, because he is touching you physically against your will & in a painful manner. Period.
He is also an emotional abuser, using tears & his OCD on you as a defense against being accused *of exactly what he is doing*. He even names the behavior TO YOU. When you tell him seriously to stop it, he entirely dismisses your request. He does not respect you, & is not a good guy. Each time he does it he is weakening your boundaries.