I’ve (35/F) been single for a while now (2 years in November). I also ended communication back in June with a guy (36/M) who initially was a potential budding relationship but he lost interest over time. We kept this “friendship “ for another year until I told him I need space and he stated he can respect that.
My colleague encouraged me to try OLD again and get out there, which I agreed. I read the book “How To Not Die Alone” and I am definitely a hesitater. The book encouraged me to date so I thought I would give it a shot.
I’ve been on OLD apps for about 2 weeks. I hit it off with a new guy (35/M). Our texts convo was great. I told him I’m not in a good headspace right now and he was understanding. We have been texting for about a week and a half. He asked if it’s a good time to meet. I apologized and told him I can’t give him what he needs right now and he deserves better. He understandably unmatched me, although it hurt a little.
I just feel bad now. Like, am I just going to die alone? I’m still not over the guy I cut communication with back in June. I’m so tempted to reach out but I know I shouldn’t. I see him on Tinder but I can’t get myself to swipe left or right on him. My heart would hurt if we don’t match (which is the most likely result). I can’t get over the connection I did have with him and I could see myself comparing other guys with him. I miss him immensely.
There is also another part of me that is scared to invest and become completely vulnerable again. I keep getting hurt with guys losing interest in me. I don’t want to put myself through that torture. I feel like I’m just jaded now. Like I told the new guy, “I want to be alone but not feel lonely”.
Anyone else in a similar spot?
14 comments
What is OLD?
All of these emotions and experiences are things people go through, *but* I get the sense from reading this that you aren’t actually going on dates with these men – in which case, you’re overthinking everything. You could consider therapy, which is commonly recommended on this sub – but ultimately you don’t need to/shouldn’t be making major emotional investments in people you haven’t even met.
The only way to swim again is to jump into the water (I get you need time but it only really changes if you do something, and years pass quicker than we think)
It doesnt have to be the deep end, stick to the shallow end (I get the word shallow may not be right, but maybe just date?)
Honestly the fear is always going to be there, you just….gotta face it
Sorry for what appears to be a platitude
That’s fair. But I guess you need to put yourself out there to see cause you’ll never know if you don’t try
cause not everyone out there is out to break your heart.
I know dating is exhausting though.
If you are not ready to date long term you probably should communicate this to potential dates or try a short term/casual relationship if it’s the physical part of a relationship you crave.
To take a chance of finding happiness and fulfillment, risks being vulnerable. You can do this, you really can. If you’re talking to someone and you can communicate these fears, I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised.
Seriously, you got this but you have to risk being vulnerable. At least for a time.
You can simultaneously work on yourself and date. This image of perfection on social media/dating sites isn’t real.
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If I were that guy, I’d wonder why you are on a dating app to begin with, if you’re not in the right headspace to date right now. It’s like you come into a restaurant, the waiter asks for your order, and you reply, “oh, well, actually, I’m not hungry or thirsty right now”.
You need therapy and friends, not a boyfriend. A lot of people get on OLD hoping to meet someone when what they really need to do is work on themselves, their anxieties and their demons so that they CAN meet someone great and give them their best. I applaud you for realizing this before you get emotionally entangled in anything but let’s talk about something here – your overall language is concerning to me.
First – you told a perfect stranger that was just interested in meeting you that you can’t meet because you can’t give him what you ***assume*** he needs. You don’t know this person, much less what their intentions or even what their needs are and I have to be honest, I would personally find it extraordinarily presumptuous of someone who assumed I was going to fall in love with them so they felt the need to write this out to me. It’s a but egotistical, and a little narcissistic. You need to hear that because a lot of what ***you’re writing is coming across as both highly ego-driven and narcissistic being expressed as intense insecurity.***
How can your “heart hurt” over someone you’ve only talked to briefly but never met? It’s kind of outrageous. It seeming to me like you are developing entire storylines in your head about what things could potentially be, not what they actually are, and you need to have that reality check because you’re not seeing things as they are and moving accordingly, you are projecting a fantasy onto people and that is not going to work out for you – ever. Who are you to assume you are going to even find yourself in a position where you’re going to rob this man of a potentially amazing rewarding relationship with you in the first place?
Also, “I can’t get over the connection I did have with him” no – you had a week and a half of texting conversation with him. That is a not a real deal connection, that is you having a very basic, bottom of the barrel compatibility on how you conversed short-term via text. A real connection with someone is much bigger and much deeper than this. I’ve done the OLD song and dance for years, if I were to take every week and a half conversation that went great and internalized them this intensely, I’d have 500 soul mates by now. If that man read this post right now and realized what you are saying about him, he would be scared.
Things. Take. Time. And dating is not as simple as “talk, meet, fall in love”. You talk first, you meet, you decide if you’re attracted to each other and if basic chemistry is there, and if those things are present, then you engage in continuing to see each other as a means to get to know one another until you decide to be exclusive, and once that occurs, the relationship journey is a whole other box of chocolate with steps and levels, all of which requires one thing: time.
You need to take things one step at a time, and doing so is what will help protect your heart. You need to learn how to invest appropriately and how to give into emotions accordingly to time and actions given that prove to you that they are worth the time and investment.
While I completely understand the hurt of having people lose interest in you, after a while you kind of come to learn how to separate your ego from your actual wants and needs because being driven by your ego can actually distract you from getting your real wants and needs addressed. Ego hits hurt, but your ego isn’t what leads your life and if you let your ego run your dating experiences, you’re in for a lot of trouble. People WILL lose interest and choose others, because that’s the nature of the game with dating. Some people just find better compatibility with others, and that’s ok! Because at some point, you will do the same to someone else because the nature of dating is to find someone who is best ***for you***.
I think the issue is more trying to get over the past guy. You’ll never be able to date with him in the back of your mind. The litmus test I use is, if I was in a relationship and my ex reached out to me would I go back to them. If the answer is yes, you shouldn’t be dating. That wouldn’t be fair to the people you date.
As far as getting hurt, there’s no rule you have to give someone your heart immediately. Go at a pace that’s comfortable to you. Do periodic check-ins with yourself to make sure you’re not over investing too fast. The right guy will be fine taking it slow with you.
Male here, but when I when I feel down about dating things, I reach out to my guy friends/coupled friends and just focus on doing something fun. It gets me in a better headspace and once that happens good things just tend to happen.
Also, unless your June fella has started therapy and has really made honest effort to change on his own, I don’t think he’s going to. Good luck!
I was recently told the same thing by a woman I felt it was moving quiet well. Personally, I appreciated the honestly and wished her much healing. Not much I can do when someone doesn’t feel like they’re ready. And all I can do is hope for the best for her.
You remind me of a woman I dated back in July, it was great until we were actually vulnerable then she pulled back and bailed at the first hurdle. I really liked her a lot and was (sometimes am) so tempted to reach back out.
I know you’re not the same person and circumstances are different but I hate to think of her feeling lonely and blaming herself and I guess by extension, you as well.
I understand you feel lonely and don’t want to face the risk of pain again, it creates a very conflicting set of emotions that are all too human. My advice is take some time for yourself to learn to be alone and how to be kind to yourself before you hop back in to dating it really can transform things for you.
Also look up fearful avoidant attachment (just a hunch). Might help.
❤️
I think I am very similar to you so here are my thoughts.
1. Don’t build a close connection through texting *especially* before meeting in person. Meet in person as soon as possible if you both think there is potential and try not to get too vulnerable over text before meeting. Even if there is distance and other obstacles try and build your relationship through real-life meetings as much as possible and save texting for planning meetups, casual chats, daily check-ins if mutually desired, etc.
2. Don’t be ashamed to get back in touch with that guy who rejected you in June. Do it, but make sure you’re in a place to meet him and at least make an effort to move things forward with a relationship before you do. It sounds like he didn’t really reject you, he just realized you weren’t interested in a relationship and moved on out of necessity. This has happened to me multiple times too so I know how much it hurts But if he is still single and you can convince him you are ready now, he might give it another chance. And if not, then at least you know.
3. Meet people even if you’re not sure about them. It will give you ideas of what you’re looking for and what kind of person you could build a relationship with, as well as what you definitely don’t want on a person and relationship. If you really don’t feel ready you can take a break from OLD and go back any time.
I’m not reading all of that.
Therapy.