I \[25M\] recently took a break with my date \[26F\] after seeing each other for 1.5 months. I feel conflicted whether or not I want to get back to dating her or not. She is the first person I’ve ever dated longer than 2 dates, and I really like her in every way. She has very similar interests and we always have had a great time together. I love her personality and I feel very attracted to her. We have spent countless hours together and have had several romantic nights together. She really seems like the perfect match. There are some issues though which is the reason why I decided to take a break from our dating.
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When we first started dating during the summer, we saw each other almost every other day. The times we saw each other drastically went down once her education started again. She has BPD and is often feeling very depressed. She has very bad self-esteem which is the major reason she feels bad when she is in class. Even though her classmates are very kind, she feels like she has to put up a constant facade that everything is fine. This is making her very mentally exhausted and she has stated that she also feel this way whenever we’ve seen each other. She therefor explained that we would only be able to see each other on weekends. This made me feel very empty each work day knowing that I wouldn’t be able to see her for 5+ days. I basically wanted to see her every wake moment, and whenever I did, it was the most euphoric moment ever. I understand that my strong urge to constantly want to see her is not healthy, but could you really blame me because this was basically the first time I’ve ever been intimate with a person. I know that going forward I would never allow myself to be as obsessed with someone as I was with her. This means that my issue with not being able to see her very often is not really an issue with her, but more so an issue with me. And so if it doesn’t matter whenever I could see her, I should be able to start seeing her again.
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The second major issue was the fact that she expressed that she most likely wouldn’t want a relationship in a long time. She wants to go on dates, but not a relationship. She will soon start a treatment for her BPD which will last for 2 years and during those years she stated that she doesn’t want to rely on someone during her bad times, but she also stated that she does want a stable relationship. This feels very contradicting and was one of the major reasons for me to not want to continue our dating. She explained that she still feels bad from things that happened in previous relationships and the thought of going into a relationship scares her.
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Her self-esteem also seemed to affect her when we were together. Most of the time she would be intimate, and enjoyed it whenever I showed her affection. Other times she wouldn’t really do anything affectionate back. She has explained that during those times she feels a very strong self-hatred and therefor lack any kind of romantic emotions. I’m also very physically attracted to the very aspect of why she has bad self-esteem (being overweight). She constantly goes to the gym and wants to lose weight, which I always showed a big support of. I even went to the gym for the first time in 5 years just to go together with her as support. But I feel disgusted by my thoughts that somewhere in the back of my mind I might not feel as physically attracted to her once she loses weight. I know that these thoughts are wrong, and that I should be able to be in a romantic relationship with her no matter her weight. Physical appearance is such a minor thing that it shouldn’t have been one of the reasons I took into consideration when I wanted to take a break. Especially considering I love all of her other features such as her beautiful face and romantic personality. This isn’t even taking into account that losing weight usually takes years.
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During our break I’ve been able to grow as a person. I know that being as obsessed with someone as I was with her is not healthy, and therefor I’m fine with seeing her less frequent going forward. I also know that I would never have her weight loss journey affect my feelings for her. The only issue I can still think of is the fact that she doesn’t want a relationship right now. She stated though that she has a 6-month rule before becoming an official couple, which kind of contradicts her statement of not wanting a relationship.
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She has also expressed feelings for me after our break in the form of jealousy. The weekend after our initial break I went to the club, and bought multiple drinks to girls, mostly to get laid. She asked my how the evening went and I told her that I got rejected multiple times. She said that it was good that I was able to approach, since I’ve explained that I’m very bad at it. But once I mentioned the drinks she became slightly mad and asked why I never bought her drinks when we were seeing each other, and I responded by saying that she always denied my offerings when asking her if I could pay, which was true. Every time I offered to pay for food or drinks she denied it saying that she don’t want me to feel used. I asked her why she was mad at me and she responded by saying that obviously she feels jealous. She also felt angry at herself for not being mentally well enough to see me more often. She stated that “I know what I’m missing out on. You really is everything I’ve ever wanted in a partner”.
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During this time I’ve started seeing other people again, and went on a few dates, but the more time I spend swiping on dating apps and getting to know these women, they all seem to fall flat compared to her. I think about her every day and constantly come to the conclusion that seeing her, even just on the weekends, made me feel better than I do now when I’m not seeing her anymore. I would never allow myself to be as obsessed with her as I was when we dated.
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Our break was my decision and it wasn’t at all what I wanted, and most likely not what she wanted either. The day I broke up I sent her a message where I told her my concerns about not seeing her enough, her occasional non-emotional moments when I tried to show her affection, and her not wanting a relationship. I just sent her this message to hopefully get some clarity and possibly get her to want to see me more often. But in her response she stated that the thought of love and relationship scares her and that she doesn’t want a relationship right now. This is when I asked her if what she wants is to take a break, in which she replied that it might be a good thing, because she can’t give me want I want at this moment in time, but that she knows what she is missing out on.
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Immediately afterwards I felt as though this was the wrong decision, and today I still feel conflicted. Our time dating ended not because either one of us really wanted it to. We still obviously have strong feelings for each other and would most likely both want to see each other again. One of my friends has told me to not talk to her again because she is just one fish in the sea, and that it is obvious that I feel the way I do because it is my first ever intimate experience with someone. To some extent I agree, which is the reason I started seeing people again. But now after doing it for almost a month, I can’t help but feel like I want to get back with her again. I guess my big question is, do get back to dating her again since I still have strong feelings, or do I continue my journey of testing the waters with other potential partners? Thank you for your time!
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TL;DR: I \[25M\] recently took a break with my date \[26F\] after seeing each other for 1.5 months and feel conflicted whether or not I want to get back to dating her or not. I asked her if we should take a break, not because I didn’t have any feelings for her, I’m still very in love in her, but because of things that I now value as not that important, such as not seeing her enough and her not really wanting a relationship right now. Should I continue my dating journey meeting other people, or should I get back with the girl I still have strong feelings for?
3 comments
What is the ideal relationship you want?
1 person or multiple?
The types of gentitics, resources, and personality you’re looking for in a person?
I think you need to read up on BPD. She seems to be struggling to handle it but it sounds like she’s trying really hard, and that’s commendable. People with BPD struggle with emotional regulation and often have intense feelings of jealousy and fear of abandonment. She might fear that in a relationship, she’ll engage in destructive or toxic behaviors or thoughts that is often a hallmark of BPD. Feeling self worth independent of relationships is going to be incredibly valuable to her. I totally get why she sees a relationship as a bad idea when she’s going through intense treatment.
It sounds like she’s taking the break well all of that considered, but do not play push-pull games with her. She’s probably genuine in that she wants a boyfriend eventually but recognizes its probably detrimental to her recovery to jump in a relationship. Its possible to want two opposite things, one because that would satisfy her borderline need to be loved and wanted and one because it would satisfy her recovery. If you get back together with her, you have to be okay with going at her pace, and that might take the full two years. Don’t go back and forth with her, that might fuck her up worse than with someone without BPD.
People with actual BPD are incapable of being good partners without YEARS of dedication to therapy. It’s going to take a hell of a lot longer than two years. Don’t know where that number came from. You should check out r/BPDlovedones, OP