TLDR; My girlfriend (26F) compared me (27F) to her ex in a negative way and I’ve been unable to move on despite her apologizing twice already.
My girlfriend and I have been together for 3 years. Overall the relationship is good, but we’ve been having a lot of ups and downs since we moved out together and are currently going to couples counseling. A month ago, her ex reached out to her seeking to become friends again. They were friends for a month before they started dating and were together for 2 and a half years. They broke up about a year before we started dating. At first I was unsure of her ex’s intentions for coming back into my gf’s life so I’ve kept my walls up. Me and my gf sat down and talked about boundaries with this new friendship with her ex. She’s agreed to all of them and has been very upfront with me regarding anything about her ex. She also reassured me that she would never leave me for that ex and that she loves me more than anyone else. I’ve met her ex a couple of times and all three of us would hang out, go do activities and get food together. The ex has even come over to our apartment to drink and play board games.
I know that most of you would be aghast at this kind of situation but without giving away too many details, my gf had been feeling very lonely because she had falling outs with many of her friends and she’s been craving more social interaction. My gf is a textbook extrovert whereas I’m an introvert so I don’t mind being alone. But my gf can become depressed if she doesn’t socialize. We’ve tried making new friends via apps but people ghost or flake on us so it’s been difficult making new friends. My gf and I generally do get along with her ex as friends and I do wish for this to work but we had an argument that has caused me to reevaluate the whole thing.
We were having an argument and my gf said she wished I was different. She wished that I would be more spontaneous like her ex. That was the one thing she liked about her ex was how spontaneous she was. This really hurt my feelings and even though it’s been three days and my gf has genuinely apologized twice now, I still get extremely upset thinking about what she said. Yes, I’m not as spontaneous as her ex because I work full-time and sometimes take on extra freelance work to financially support us (I pay for everything). Her ex only worked part-time so of course she has more freedom to be spontaneous.
Now whenever my gf talks to me about her ex I just shut down and try to change the subject. Before the argument, I would be open to conversations about her ex. I just don’t know how to move on from this. Have any of you been compared to your partner’s ex in a negative way? How did you handle this?
Also, please don’t suggest breaking up as I know that’s an option. But I want to try to work this out because I do love my gf very much and overall everything else about the relationship is good.
10 comments
First of all, it’s super rude and degrading to compare current with ex(es). It says a lot about a person when they brazenly discredit who you are as an individual to someone who they manifestly can’t get along with.
IMO: I think you should communicate the way this made you feel to your gf. If she acts a fool in response to your 110% VALID rumination over this, maybe look for a more mature and genuine gf.
>She wished that I would be more spontaneous like her ex.
Sounds like she’s not over her ex. Why are you dating someone who’s not over their ex?
If you are paying for everything and she wants more social interaction… Is she just bored? Could she work?
I think she said it because she knew it would hurt you. Asking you to consider being more spontaneous and how that would work is reasonable but throwing this in your face was deliberate.
Um, for me, the real red flag is that “she had falling outs with many of her friends” – what’s going on there? If it’s really many/ most of her friends, then I’d wonder what kind of toxicity she’s hiding from you that all her friends recognized by now. I’d seriously connect with them to hear their side of the story.
And regarding her loneliness: tell her your former girlfriends all went out to work and contribute to the household, and you really wished she could be more like them. And with work contacts and colleague-friends, she wouldn’t be lonely anymore…
First off, you sound very mature, the way you handled the ex coming back into her life, sitting down and setting boundaries, and working with your gf to create safety around this new friendship is fantastic and very loving. Being friends with exes is fine (in my opinion) as long as they are not coming in between you two and everyone involved feels secure with it. Unfortunately your GF really messed that up by bringing the ex up in a fight and comparing you to him.
I’d probably feel the same way you do. It’s reasonable to say to her that since that argument you don’t feel comfortable with their relationship– and then you have to decide for yourself what you are ok with moving forward. Hopefully your gf respects that you don’t feel safe anymore around this issue and you two can work together to figure out whats next.
Extremely stupid thing for her to say, and you have every right to be upset. What to do about it I’m less sure …
Why on earth are you paying for everything and how does she have the gall to demand you be fun like your ex when you’re working to the bone to feed and house her?
Honestly, I would not get over this.
You were cool and were happy for her to hang out with her ex. A lot of people would be weird about this, but you were mature and prioritised her wellbeing over any misgivings.
She threw that back in your face the first chance she got. Like even without the ex being in the picture, what she said to you was horrible and the only purpose really would be to make you feel bad – its not like you can or would change a fundamental aspect of your personality after her saying that. She showed she isn’t happy with who you are. If she was asking for advice I would tell her you can’t change people, and shouldn’t try to, especially when the thing shed like changed isnt actually a negative thing at all.
A respectful and mature partner would bring up wanting more spontaneity in a calm and non accusatory manner. Not compare you negatively to an ex during an argument.
I reccommend bouncing, but if not, ask her to dial back/stop hanging out with the ex, and work on learning to argue in a healthy way, as hitting below the belt even when arguing is not cool.
Edit: updated genders
This is a recipe for disaster. Not sure why you would be ok for your girlfriend to be friends with her ex. Just started and she is already comparing you to him. You know this has to stop?
Sounds like she’s just sponging off of you at this point. An ex randomly coming back into the picture is never a good sign in my opinion.