Two weeks ago my (25m) ex (24f) let me know she’d been falling out of love for a while and thought it was better to break up. Relation of 1,5 yrs.
We talked a lot about what happened and pretty much all of the reasons could be back tracked to my severe weed addiction. I used to smoke A LOT (2-3 grams daily) and it made me avoid her, became lazy, lose ambition, game too much and not wanting to join her on social occasions. I lost myself in this addiction. She knew i smoked weed daily but never exactly how much.
Since this news hit me i started moving mountains to work on myself. I instantly quit cold turkey, started therapy and told friends and family how deep i was. I’ve been clean since and don’t ever wanna go back to how i was. I feel like i’m in a better place and am thankful for her doing it because else i wouldnt have wanted to change anytime soon.
The thing is i am still very deep in love with her. Deeper than ever now i’m clean. She says she also still loves me but it’s not enough for a relationship. I went a week no-contact but failed and texted her to have a talk.
We talked a lot but she’s staying hard on her descision. I had a hard time accepting this because i still noticed the chemistry from both ways and i really feel that the causing problems can be fixed. That moment i started kissing her, a few moments later i wanted to make love to her, i asked if this was okay. She paused for a second and said that she didn’t want to bring my hopes up. I was clear with her that this would but that my hopes are up anyway. She told me not to get angry at her if we did this, i agreed.
We had really, really good sex and spent the evening together. It felt and was amazing. We hugged and talked and had sex again. I slept the night with her in my arms. In the morning it was good aswell. I looked for ways to stay in eachothers lives with FWB as a result. We made some rules on how we were gonna do this.
Now i am meeting up with her again tomorrow but the thoughts have been eating me up. I love her and i think this is a chance to show her who i am when i am free from my addiction. On the other side i’m very fearful of getting rejected again because i know the fwb situation brings her doubts. It does to me aswell. And that she might not ever want to get back together. Which is why im doing this.
My therapist told me that i am seeing this objectively because the sexual and emotional chemistry is still there. But deep down i think i can’t repair this. She wants to be on herself again. Am really struggling on what to do tomorrow.
I fear i’m setting myself up for a prolonged heartbreak. The thing is that our relationship was very good. We didn’t fight or anything like thar. It’s mostly me who chose my addiction above her for too long. She saw a future with me which i saw a bit less than her at the time. But now that i’ve sobered up completely i know for a fact i would want to marry this girl and build a life with her.
Dear Reddit friends, i need advice on what to do. Does anybody had a similar experience? How did you do this? Please share your own experience, i’m not looking for a ”do it or don’t do it”
3 comments
Don’t do it
It’s hard AF, but my advice would be listen to your EX and separate. I get how hard that is when you’re genuinely in love, but she isn’t. It was probably hard for her to be honest with you in that way, you should really listen to her. If she feels out of love with you, she’d really have to open up her heart to even potentially fall back in. That’s not an objective thing where if you do enough right her heart is bound to fall for you again because it did once. If she doesn’t want to try, it won’t. If she’s telling you not to expect her to try to fall in love again, it’s legitimately over. She probably does still like you and doesn’t want to hurt you. Probably why she’s still willing to compromise with you about coming over to talk. Why she’s still comfortable to have a physical relationship, but casual. FWB is a casual attachment and you should never default expect those to become serious and committed. If you enjoy having casual sex with her and wouldn’t be emotionally stunted, I’d definitely say go for it. But you sound like you really want a serious girlfriend and pouring more of your heart into that with your EX is much more likely to leave you further damaged.
My weed-addicted fwb I just “broke up” with should read your post.
Anyway, it’s great you have worked on yourself. Whether your ex wants you back or not, you have something to be proud of.
I would not get into fwb with someone you love. Even on clear terms, it’s not sustainable.
Looks like you were honest with her about your feelings and that’s all you can do. I’d give her space and check in gently in months time, to see if she is more open to give you another go. If she seems hesitant, don’t push, don’t force her into anything. Be there and listen.
If after few attempts of communication at different times, she is firm on ‘no’, it might be a good idea to move on.