I don’t know what to think about this anymore. We’ve been together for 8 years. I admit I’m NOT overly ambitious and never was (and he always knew this). I have a mediocre job (with good benefits). He has always had a “career” and he’s very successful in his career. He has a very high IQ (I’m average), but he doesn’t always have the best ideas. They are often more “fantasy based” and not practical. He’s always been striving for better, and I’ve always supported him however I can. We don’t have kids together, but we each have kids from a previous relationship that live with us 1/2 time.
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He’s always suggested I do other things, but the things he suggest aren’t practical (I won’t get into them). It’s not about money at all. He just thinks I should do something else. I looked after our home and our kids (when they were younger) etc. And he’s RIGHT that I should figure out something better to do, but I’ve not been able to figure out what that is yet.
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The problem is, he freely admits he doesn’t *respect* me. He says he loves me, but I’m not smart enough to offer any opinions. He says he doesn’t respect my decision making capabilities (but honestly I think I make better decisions than he does at times). We are often getting into arguments because he’ll tell me “*we’ll do better if you just don’t think*”, or if I say anything in a conversation he’ll tell me he doesn’t care what my opinion is. He says my entire role is to be supportive of him and help him succeed. If I tell him he should respect me as his partner, he tells me I’ve never accomplished anything so why would he respect me?
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I don’t even know what to say, because compared to his MBA and earning power, I’m much less-than. I try to tell him he should respect me because of who I am and he says respect is earned based on abilities, qualities or achievements and I don’t have those. When I tell him I’m good with money (as an example), he tells me “saving money in the bank isn’t the same as being good with money”.
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The biggest thing I try to get across to him is that it’s very disrespectful to always tell me to stop talking, to stop thinking, that he doesn’t care about my opinions. He disagrees.
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So I’m basically finding that my self-esteem is getting very worn down. I’m starting to feel paralyzed…like I truly CAN’T do anything. I am afraid to even offer my opinion or perspective because I’m often told he doesn’t want to hear it.
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Is this normal? I’m thinking it’s not, but since he’s so intelligent and successful and I’m average, I don’t know anymore. He tells me his really smart friends love their wives but don’t respect them either. He’ll tell me he loves our dog but doesn’t respect her, and it’s the same with us. That feels…well, very disrespectful.
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Is this just something to live with? Is it part of a package deal when being with someone with a Mensa IQ? Is it even worth it going to therapy? I’m not sure he’d even respect what the therapist says. I feel like he’s pretty manipulative because when we are with other people he pretends to really respect them (but then later tells me they are idiots). Does anyone have any suggestions on how to make this work? Obviously I love him and want to stay with him, but I hate feeling like I’m starting to believe him.
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tldr: partner doesn’t respect me because I’m not successful
11 comments
You deserve respect, almost everyone does. People value different things, it’s not wrong to not be career focused, it’s just a personal preference. It doesn’t make you less than.
You deserve better than this. Comparing you to how he feels about a dog is pretty appalling. I urge you to seek therapy (without him!) so you can get an objective perspective on just how awful he’s treating you. Or better yet, leave him.
Your partner might have intelligence, but he is lacking in emotional intelligence. He is not a better person because he has a higher degree and/or better paying job.
Maybe you don’t have the ambition he does or career goals, but it’s not his job to judge you and critique what you do. Are those the only traits he finds admirable in a person? What about integrity, kindness, empathy, generosity, trustworthiness, etc.
Maybe you’re just not compatible in that you don’t share the same values.
I just could not date or be in a relationship with somebody who openly states he does not respect me. Sorry. Not doing that.
Love and respect are supposed to go together.
If you are happy with your life and he is not happy with your choices then show him the door.
Your husband is emotionally abusing you – constantly calling you stupid, patronizing you and disrespecting you. Why do you let him?
High IQ??? 🤓🤓🤓in what ? On making people feeling bad because he is so insecure???
Please just laugh when he is talking you like this and as what happen
Your partner sounds like he might be book smart, but is just an asshole who has no clue about real life. He is also verbally and mentally abusive.
Do you really want your child seeing you being put down?
Jamie Loftus’s My Year In Mensa might be a good listen for you. Basically, IQ doesn’t mean much and a lot of people who pride themselves on it are dumb, insufferable and Mensa is a hot bed of white supremacy so that’s fun. He probably thinks women are inherently inferior and that’s why he doesn’t have any problem equating you to a dog.
You don’t need this dumbass in your life, especially when he’s using you to avoid parenting.
Successful, intelligent former ambitious career guy here.
Your partner’s attitude is bullshit. First of all, mutual respect is a key fundamental pillar of any relationship. If he doesn’t respect you, he doesn’t deserve you. Relationships are supposed to support and lift you up. Not grind you down and make you feel “less than”.
Everyone has different dreams and goals in life. Not all of them are wild and exciting. My wife’s life goal was always to be a Stay at Home Mother (SAHM). I respect her intelligence and her values. She hasn’t done anything as interesting or exciting as I have. However, she MORE than makes up for it by being a supportive wife and an inspired mother. We have a relationship based on **complementary** skills, values, ideas, and vision.
……with the exception of her goddamn goats and chickens. That was NOT part of the marriage deal. However, I suck it up because it makes her happy. 🙁
I suggest you reconsider this relationship. It is unlikely you will be able to change him. And it will be unhealthy for you to stay with him.
No, this is not something to just live with. He does not respect you. At all. Disrespectful, ignorant, chauvinistic. This is absolutely demeaning and I really hope you can see that. He should be respecting you because you are a human with feelings, because you’re his partner, not based on your intelligence.
>Is this normal?
No.
Frankly I’m amazed that you *know* he doesn’t respect you as an equal, and you’re still with him. Isn’t that pretty much like a servant being in some kind of sexual/emotional relationship with their master? It’s awful
Holy shit, what an ass. How can you stand to be around someone this insufferable? Lord, I would leave.