My (29F) partner (27M) is a lot more sexually experienced than I am, it seems, and it feels like I can’t make him cum 40% of the time and it this point it’s just wrecking my self esteem. When we first started dating/met it was a hookup only type of situation and I seemed to do just fine but recently it’s been hard for me to get him off and at this point I don’t even want to have sex with him anymore.
I’ve found messages from him to his friends talking about the top tier girls he’s had sex with and the best ones. His ex girlfriend is #1. He doesn’t even talk about sex with me.
Everything else is pretty much perfect. But I don’t want to be with someone that makes me feel undesirable. He always looks so bored and disinterested when I’m on top, and historically most guys have told me I’m the best they’ve ever had.
I’m pretty much like 80% ready to end things over this. How do I get better without having sex with someone else? He doesn’t seem to be willing to give instructions or help out much. He just looks pissed whe he gets close, I continue with what I’m doing, and then just doesn’t finish and gets pissed.
38 comments
Sounds like he’s the problem, not you.
When things are not happening sexually, the couple needs to have a conversation and work on it together. This is what healthy relationships are about. It is not on you alone and him getting pissed about is really showing his immaturity.
Also, quit snooping through this messages.
Some people aren’t compatible with each other for whatever reason. It’s not that one is good or bad, just different.
Sounds like to me he’s still thinking about his ex. A lot of people reading this are probably thinking “Is he mad? Surely he’s a guy, they can cum on command” etc. But if a guy’s mind isnt in it, then you can have the sexiest girl on top of you or sucking your dick and you still won’t cum.
Also, now you’ve seen that he hasnt even mentioned you when comparing past sexual partners, its going to be on your mind constantly and you’ll end up resenting him anyway.
Lastly, stop snooping through his phone.
Look. A dude sending messages to his friends rating the girls he has had sex with is a jackass, doubly so if he is currently with someone (you). That alone would tell me to leave.
Sounds like you really are not compatible. It’s best to move on.
Or maybe have a conversation about this?
Generally when someone tells you that you are the best partner they’ve ever had it is probably a lie ime (and that’s not necessarily a bad thing imo). What kind of asshole would tell their s/o that they’re rank #6 or whatever.
Honestly cumming is not the end all be all of sex. Sounds like you just need to talk to him and ask if he’s satisfied.
Why don’t you communicate with him?
Many factors affect guys not being able to cum like mental blockage, anxiety, overthinking, hormones, too much masturbation ect.
It may not just be you.
Communicate with him, establish his habbits. If nothing is wrong with then, then you need to communicate with him. Figure out what he likes, what he finds attractive, what he needs.
If you can’t or won’t fulfill them. Then end things.
Dude sounds like an ass.
If its effecting your self esteem and he has been unwilling to talk it out and help make changes, plus to ou seem more concerned about him than he seems aboht you – i would def say its either time or fucking clise to time to call it quits.
You’re exhausted from sex 4 times a day. Yet you still do it?
He doesn’t trust you… and since he goes through your phone now you do too.
He’s in therapy for sex addiction.
Him getting off seems to be the least of your problems. Just break it off.
So just a insider secret for men, if we want to keep getting it, we will say a woman is the best we’ve had during sex or right after. It would be an automatic halt if we told a woman we’ve had better during and then automatic walk out after. Not saying you aren’t good in bed, but when it comes to being told that we are the best someone’s had, always take that with a grain of salt. Same reason why I stopped asking women, “who’s pussy is this.”
But for your situation, have you flat out asked him how he wants stuff? I’m not going to read through comments, info like this should be stated in your post. Based on your post, it doesn’t sound like you have asked him, “how do you want me to give you head?” Or “which position do you prefer me in?”
When it comes to sex, NOBODY is the same and nobody has the same technique or likes. I have a hard time finishing from head, only one woman has managed to have me finish in less than 5 minutes and yes that is the best I’ve ever had. But it doesn’t mean that I haven’t had really good blowjobs since but for each one I’ve had to guide them on how. Most have asked me, which is key.
For every woman I go down on, if I can’t figure it out based on body movements or moans, then I ask how they like being eaten out. You have to speak up on it and ask. If he’s being an ass about it, or worse being one of those idiotic folks that responds, “that’s for you to figure out” then be cold and tell him then he can go find someone else because you’re trying to please him and he isn’t helping.
>most guys have told me I’m the best they’ve ever had.
That’s an unreliable metric, if they want to keep sleeping with you then they’ll tell you you’re the best.
>He doesn’t seem to be willing to give instructions or help out much.
The best partners are ones who openly communicate. Want me to do something different? Give me a hint. Doing something awesome? I’ll totally let you know and reciprocate.
>it feels like I can’t make him cum 40% of the time and it this point it’s just wrecking my self esteem.
Why would that wreck your self esteem? Sometimes it simply -doesn’t happen- and even pounding for hours I won’t cum. I’m sure you put in some effort to making it happen, my wife simply stops all effort once she gets off so it’s a weird balance trying to time it together. Even a pathetic handy to finish me off on occasion would be a godsend but it never happens. Sounds like you at least try.
Ok so look I can’t judge or critique your skills of course, but I am gonna throw in a lot of guys tell every girl they’re they best they’ve had, that doesn’t mean you’re bad, no way for me to know, but even the ones who aren’t as skilled in my experience ive never enjoyed my time with any less, but it’s pretty common for us to tell a girl she’s the best even if they aren’t, and I’d say because to a lot of us, it’s the same difference, just different things with different people but it’s all sex and sex is fun, this guy? Idk what his deal is honestly, I mean like.. Im stubborn, I last, but I’ve never been unenthusiastic with my partners, I’ve never had a girl on me and been.. bored.. even if truth be told It wasn’t doing much for me sensation wise downstairs, it’s always been fun, and enjoyable, it’s always been give and take for me and it was all in good fun, so him? Idk ngl he sounds like an asshole
I have been in this situation with one guy just like you. Turns out he was a porn addict. All my relationships before and after have been amazing sexual wise though and I got my self esteem back. I chalk it down to some people just don’t have the right chemistry 🤷♀️
Sadly u deleted ur account so u won’t see this but, break up with him please!
He sounds like a jerk ngl but also you’re having sex sometimes 4 times a day?! No wonder he can’t cum he’s got nothing left in the tank this doesn’t sound sustainable
The whole having discussions with his friends about top tier women and ranking is weird. Like come on, you’re 29.
AT BEST this guy is negging you – he meant for you to see those messages and he likes it when you work so hard to please him.
AT WORST this guy is not over his ex and still fantasizes about sex with her, AND tells his buddies about all the women he has sex with.
Is he really worth all this trouble?
Girl if a guy says “you’re the best I’ve ever had” he’s not saying it because it’s true. He’s saying it because he wants it again. It may be true but it’s 100% not the reason they tell you that.
Four times a day?! No wonder you have trouble making him nut every time.
Your relationship sounds weird though, the whole open device thing? I don’t get it.
His sex addiction is a very important fact that should be on the original post
Try pegging him. Make him your bitch and fuck him. See how he likes it.
Asking the wrong people here. There’s nothing you can do but break up honestly. He’s not happy and won’t tell THEE only person who can make him sexually what he needs or how he wants you to satisfy him. Unless you can read minds, it’s a fine deal if you ask me 🤷🏽♂️
after those messages to his friends… yikes. It would be over for me based off that. You think she’s #1 then go fucking get her my dude. He doesn’t respect you.
I’d be willing to bet he has a porn addiction and that is causing him to have these consequences in the bedroom. Chances are, you’re not doing anything wrong. It’s purely his issue. There’s a deeper problem with him here.
Honestly if he’s having a problem cumming, the problem is likely with him rather than you. If he’s disengaged with sex and unwilling to make requests or give direction, he’s not doing anything to improve the situation and you’re doing the best with what you have to work with. His texts to his guy friends sound very hurtful. I’m sorry he said those things but this discovery could be a blessing in disguise. I wouldn’t want to be with someone who doesn’t enjoy having sex with me and considers sex with their ex to be the best sex ever. You do have the option to open up a discussion yourself if you feel comfortable. It could be that he’s worried about hurting your feelings and not communicating because of it. But if it hurts you so much that you don’t want to have sex, sexual incompatibility is a reason to leave a relationship. It’s a big part of a healthy, loving dynamic.
This post is such a pile of bullshit.
1. Most of your previous partners lied to you to boost you self esteem. This might shock you, but wanting to improve and get better for your partners is a great part of relationships and a good opportunity for yourself.
2. Why did you go through his messages with his friends??? He’s not cheating, seems like a good guy etc that’s just shady.
3. Check your ego, and communicate with him “he doesn’t seem willing” is that what he said….when you asked him? Or did you not even ask him. Or talk about what he likes. But at this point maybe just break up with him so he can find someone that actually cares about the relationship and not personal validation.
I mean. It’s a valid reason to end things
It seems like he has some health issues, or some kinks, that he is not talking to you about. Either way, it seems like he’s not communicating those things to you, and the fact that a) he’s telling others who ‘his best sex partners were,’ and b) you’ve resorted to snooping through his phone.. this relationship should probably end. Conversely, you could ask him what his dirtiest fantasy is, see what he says, and either partake in it if you consent (and let him know yours, and have him partake in it too if he consents.) Relationships go through stages sexually; there’s the ‘idk what this person’s kinks are, but let’s sort of see what happens based on some societal norm for what sex is’ section, and some relatinship never leave that stage. Some go off the charts when each partner is comfortable saying what they want and do not want, which might include things that the other partner never thought about doing. Nobody will know unless it is discussed.
What does he say? I have been with plenty of guys – and each one likes things different than the others. Some prefer less pressure, some more; sex guys like fast, others like slow… each guy has positions they like best, etc.
I always have honest and straightforward conversations with my sexual partners about what gets them off ( and what gets ME off also). It makes for much better sex than simply guessing.
I also watch and listen for other cues.. I notice things like muscles tensing, quickening breaths, facial expressions,etc – small “tells” that let me know I am on the right track.
Almost every partner I have had says our sex has been the best.. that is NOT because I am some sort of expert, or that I am just an amazing lover.. it is simply because I pay attention to what my partner says and does in the bedroom and I ask pointed questions
Get down to the nitty gritty – ask about everything as you are doing it.. do you like this harder or softer? Faster or slower?
The key to being good in bed has little to do with physical skills and way more to do with communication and listening skills
tell him to ease up on porn and stop masturbating to much he has death grip
Dude, throw this man away. That conversation with his friends tells you a lot about his personality.
The fact that you said he does not seem interested in teaching you his likes makes me believe you have discussed this with him. The fact that you said he doesn’t help out much gives me the impression that he just lays there like a limp log while you do the work. Also, how is he in bed for you? Is he satisfying your needs? It’s a two way street.
The only way to resolve this besides breaking up, is having a long clear talk with him about how desired sex acts need to be communicated for this to work. There is no reason for him to be making you guess and feel bad about your performance, especially when he isn’t speaking up or even doing much to help.
He probably has deathgrip from masturbating too much. He’s the problem, not you. Do with that what you will.
Why are you asking a bunch of strangers on Reddit about this instead of communicating exactly this to your partner? I swear, 90% of issues in relationships would be fixed if people communicated.
If he’s unwilling to discuss it, it’s not worth trying.