Look, I know how important it is to meet those growth milestones when you are repairing a marriage and to show that consistent forward direction and I am dedicated to being a better husband and showing that development, but would I be wrong to ask my wife is we could start returning to having a normal sex life even before I’m the perfect husband? It has been over four years now and I’m afraid that if she and I don’t start soon we will never get back to that state. I imagine she has seen the unopened box of condoms that I haphazardly threw on my desk, cause she used my computer for something. I know she finds me physically attractive, but she wants to see changes in my behavior, like many other wives here on this page have said. I’m just wondering if sex for practice, even when things aren’t perfect, is a thing? Just to practice having sex again.
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What does she say her hurdles are to sex? Is she wanting to get back to a sexual relationship?
I don’t know if “for practice” makes sense in terms of sex. I do think seeing sex as an important aspect in building intimacy in marriage rather than a reward at the end is key. No marriage is perfect, and intimacy should be used as a part of the bonding. However, I do think there is a certain threshold that many people do want to reach to feel comfortable introducing that aspect again when it’s been lost. You’ll need some self examination and an open and honest conversation about this. Has there been a loss in emotional connection or have you drifted apart? Has something happened to her to lose trust in you? Has something happened to her physically (birth, menopause, weight gain, surgery, etc) that is making her feel disconnect with her body? Have you been flirting or going on dates? Engaging in small intimacies (holding hands, kissing, snuggling, laughing together)? Has sex always been something she’s struggled with interest in or is it more recent?
If she has resentment towards you for whatever these behaviors were, asking her to force herself to have sex with you when she doesn’t want to and doesn’t feel emotionally attracted to you is not going to help your sex life in the long run.
Correct me if I’m wrong, but did you say it’s been over 4yrs since you had sex with the wife?
Dude if you have not had sex with your Wife in Four (4) years, you don’t need to be in this subreddit, you need to go to r/deadbedrooms.