My husband (31M) and I (27F) have been together 6 years total, married 8 months. He’s truly my best friend and I love him like crazy. We’ve had a rough few months and it’s made me realize many of our arguments lately are fueled by my resentment.
For the first 3-4 yrs of our relationship, he was emotionally unavailable and shut down/became sullen anytime I wanted to talk through an issue. He would do things (he says unknowingly) like liking and commenting on models photos on social media, but never showing me the same admiration. I didn’t feel pursued or valued. There were times he made comments like “Oh you’re definitely way more into me than I’m into you”, etc. It felt a lot like the relationship was on my shoulders and he just showed up because it was convenient. I begged for us to go to therapy to work on things but he wasn’t interested. My needs rarely felt met and it was an exhausting time in our relationship. But I stayed because I love him.
During this time I put a lot of work into myself through therapy and lost 75lb. Working through a lot of my insecurities and finally at a point where I love instead of hate myself. My therapist pointed out that my relationship was unhealthy and unbalanced and encouraged me to do some soul searching before our wedding. In the end I decided to stay because he’s made some effort to work on it and I couldn’t imagine my life without him. Looking back, I inadvertently closed myself off emotionally to protect myself.
He says he realized about 2 yrs ago that the way he treated me was wrong and if he didn’t change I would eventually leave. He’s worked on communicating better and sharing the load and is all around a better partner now. He’s amazing to me.
But I can’t seem to forget how he made me feel back then, and I feel emotionally dead inside. I’m not the same sweet affectionate loving person I used to be and he’s noticed and pointed it out. I’m more independent and straightforward now, and keep most emotions to myself.
Though he’s a wonderful partner now, the resentment is starting to spill out into our marriage. I keep lashing out only to later realize I’m being vindictive and treating him the way he treated me. I feel like I’m becoming the bad guy here and the tables have turned. I keep dwelling on how I deserved better – how if I’d loved myself enough I wouldn’t have stayed with someone who treated me so carelessly. I don’t like this side of myself. How can I stop feeling this way?
4 comments
Trust may well be the single most important requirement for a successful relationship. The trust I’m talking about is that trust we should have in our partner to uphold us, not hurt us, be truly regretful for unintended hurts, desire our best interests, be their best person for us, and….above all…love and cherish us. In this way we feel *aafe* with the other and your vulnerability is valued.
Your husband undermined and devalued and basically shat all over your trust in him. He stole an innocence and a sweetness from you that you may never find again. May. You may yet redeem those lost days…. but the responsibility for finding that out must come from him.
You are only just now starting to feel safe with him. And because you may be safe it is now also safe to be angry. And you are angry. And should be angry. And this anger, and this safety, leads you to want to hurt. Not to make him feel the way you felt. Just simply to hurt. Because you are still hurting. You took years of being hurt. It doesn’t go away quickly.
You need to: tell him, and keep telling him, exactly what happened for you in those years, and exactly what you now need.
He needs to: sincerely and without manipulation or defensiveness own and explain his actions….every time you need it explained. Every time for however long that takes.
You need to decide if you can forgive him. You need to work on letting it go (with or without him). He needs to specifically and in detail understand who he was in those years. He needs to decide if he can be a different person forever. He needs to communicate with you, give you time, respect your need to heal, and….give you time.
Finally….. no matter who he seems to be now, or his promises for the future… no matter how genuine you believe this to be…. some things get broken too much to fix. You may never regain that lost innocence and trust…. and you don’t have to. Love. Well love isn’t everything. Love is an emotion and a feeling and a choice and a decision. Love is not, in itself, ever enough. You can love a person, and regretfully never trust them again.
If you can’t forgive him and let go of the past in lieu of new good actions and behavior, this is over.
The only question to ask if yourself is can you forgive him.
You are right that being vindictive does start to make you the bad guy now. Are you ok with that?
Philosophers have studied the power of forgiveness for thousands of years. Forgiveness isn’t for the problem creator, it’s for the wronged to let go of their resentment. It’s not easy and it takes time. But that’s where you need to find if this is going to keep going. Your mutual happiness will eventually depend on finding forgiveness. To get there, perhaps you might try individual therapy to help you process the past and put it in its place.
All of this is assuming that your husband truly has had his epiphany and truly is a changed man.
I’m in a similar situation. I held on to the crappy things my partner did to me in the beginning. Our relationship is completely different now and he shows me every day what I mean to him. I have chosen to forgive because it’s not in my heart to hold it against him. I didn’t ask him to change but I stayed with him, hoping that things would get better, and they did. He grew so much for himself, and in turn, for me. We still have arguments but it’s not the same. You’ve gotta decide if you can forgive. You don’t need to forget and if those behaviors start to come back, address them or leave. But if things are truly better, hopefully you’ll be able to forgive and move forward.