TLDR: My boyfriend told me he received oral from his friend 2 months in. We have now been together 3 years.
My (22F) boyfriend (21M) have been together 3 years as of last week. He came clean today that he cheated on me 2 month into our relationship. Him and this girl had been friends for years before we met, and had hooked up before we met. He told me when we met they were still friends and it was a long time ago. So I left it at that. Now 3 years later, myself and this “friend” of his have been chatting and getting closer, to the point I would call her my friend too. She started asking more about my boyfriend, and even started sending him snapchats and such. This raised some weird vibes for me. I confronted him about it and he confessed when we had first started dating they were at a party and she gave him head. I know he has matured since then, but I still can’t help but think he’s lied to me for 3 years. I’m so torn between my morals and my love for this man. Our lives are completely intertwined, I just don’t know what to do.
Apologies for it being jumbled, by head is a whirlpool right now.
7 comments
Oh, that’s awful. Honestly, end of the day, it’s totally up to you. You could work through it together, but if you can’t feel safe and happy with him and would rather break up, then that is a reasonable thing to do. Trust your intuition
I know this sounds like a technicality, but he lied to you in the beginning of your relationship and not for 3 years. Not excusing what he did.
We all make mistakes and sometimes it is hard to admit them. More so if it means we would lose something dear because of it. I have been cheated on, so I am not just preaching to the choir here.
You probably think that you have been tricked to believe he was the man you fell in love with. And that is an excruciating feeling. You probably wonder what else has happened you don’t know about and what you can trust at this point. When we are lied to, the entire image of the other person we have constructed including our expectations about how they would behave in situations we hope never to happen is shattered.
Do you believe he is the mature guy you think he is today and that this is the only thing that he has done? If so, there is probably room to work on the relationship. If you doubt him too much now, it would be very hard. Either way, if you want to stay together, his actions now towards this girl are crucial. Her behavior starts to be unacceptable again and he needs to stop it very clearly. And I am afraid you guys have a lot of work in front of you to rebuild trust.
>he confessed when we had first started dating they were at a party and she gave him head.
What was the nature of the ‘party’? Was it full of drunken/drugged debauchery and baccanalia (lewd behaviour)? Or merely a somewhat loud get together with moderate drinking involved?
I see the main concern here is, this was not some semi-random stranger where he had a moment of lust and weakness during a party atmosphere, but someone with whom he’d a friendship for years and had even hooked up with before. So, this was a clearcut episode of physical cheating with someone of serious concern to you.
Sigh. You’re one year older. At this age range, you’re also likely a couple of years more emotionally mature (a spread of three years emotionally imo). I think this is an element (not an excuse, but a factor — *contributing to incredibly bad judgement largely due to immaturity*).
Has he: blocked her on all levels? apologized and freely admitted he was completely wrong? promised to never do this again (for whatever such a promise is seen to be worth)? His redeeming feature is that he confessed, albeit years later. Hmm, what prompted his confession??
Cheating is still cheating. Doesn’t matter if it was 3 years oder 30 years ago. He lied for years to you how can you be sure that he wouldn’t lie again? Exactly you can’t be sure.
Truth is, it’s really up to you where you go from here.
He cheated, and then lied to you about it for 3 years. The thing that really concerns me is that he didn’t come and tell you by choice, the only reason you found out is because the girl came back in the picture and started getting weird. He would’ve never told you if you never confronted him. Yeah, it might’ve been at the beginning of your relationship but for you this is just now happening.
The question is can you trust him after this? How can you be sure this was the only time and the only person he cheated with? Would you even be able to trust his answer if he said no? Once trust is broken it’s extremely hard to build back.
Good luck, OP.
I think I would find it very difficult to trust that he wouldn’t lie and cheat again in the future. But I don’t know, it’s up to you and how/if you’re able to cope with this.
If you don’t feel like you can trust him, dump him. And if you start getting paranoid too. Instantly. You should trust your gut.
I read a comment yesterday that answered all the questions I’ve ever had pertaining to the significance of my cheating ex’s betrayal. The summary is as follows:
When a partner cheats and then lies about it, they have already committed the ultimate relationship blunder, the most egregious breach of trust. Carrying such a lie renders all other missteps possible and even acceptable. Nothing can compare to the actions they took and the lies they told/secrets they kept. They have already doomed the relationship, already messed it up beyond redemption, so any other lie or misstep of which they are guilty can appear, to the cheating partner, as meaningless. “I already am keeping the secret that my friend gave me oral, so is it really so wrong of me to not tell my partner that I kissed a girl last night?” “I already cheated, so does it really make a difference whether I tell her I made a drunken move on her friend or not?” “I already doomed our relationship if my partner ever finds out, so what’s the point of holding myself back? If they dump me for this [lesser] thing, it will be well-deserved because I have broken their trust in a way they could never imagine.”
This may not be true for everyone, but the issue is far beyond a slip-up that occurred nearly 3 years in the past. Are you certain he has lived 34 months filled with regret and trying to make up for his misdeed, or could it be that there are other skeletons you will uncover over time?
My ex put herself in questionable situations time and again. She gave me reason to doubt her loyalty and she treated me in a manner that felt as if she wanted to drive me away from her. I eventually learned that she had been cheating on me nearly the entire duration of our 3 year relationship. Upon reading that comment yesterday, I was astounded: everything made sense! Had she drunkenly hooked up with someone, I would have broken up with her. Now, I am not so sure she never had unplanned hookups, because even an unplanned hookup is technically (in my mind) a lesser betrayal than a carefully planned, premeditated tryst. My cognitive dissonance, that haunted me for two years, has given way to a stark clarity, the realization that everything was permissible to my ex once she had crossed the boundaries of fidelity and honesty. She knew I would leave her if I found out, so what should prevent her from enjoying her life to the fullest until that day? Why should she work towards building a future with me if she had already set an expiration date through her actions and dishonesty?
My ex loves to contact me and tell me how much she has changed. She acts confused as to how I am not thrilled with the person she claims to have become and why I am not desperate to get back together with her. She seems to not realize that I can not believe a word she says to me. The only thing I know for certain during our 3 years together is that she lied to me, misled me and played me for a fool. Even if she’d been the perfect girlfriend otherwise, I’d have to wonder whether that was the real her or merely a manifestation of her guilt.
It’s up to you what you want to do. I, for one, can not live with someone who betrayed me. I know how difficult this is and I am sorry you are in this situation. I advise you to at the very least take some time to yourself to figure out what you truly want: do you want the man you’ve come to know and love since the incident, or do you want someone you never have to question, who never causes you and pain?