***Long read ahead:***

21F here. We met about 2 months ago, he (23M) said he was looking for a serious relationship that would eventually lead to marriage. Him and I have very similar values, goals, and want the same things in life. We’re both very close to our families and are hopeless romantics. We talked every single day for the first month, extensively about our values and what we wanted out of dating. We constantly texted, talked for hours on the phone (sometimes 7 hours at a time) and hit it off so well. He lives in a different state, but was willing to fly out to see me because he was so determined to meet and start our future together. He told me distance wasn’t an issue for him at all, as long as I didn’t care about it. We had an amazing weekend together, he met my family, the connection felt so natural and I could genuinely see myself with this man. He’s super charming and a total gentleman as well. He constantly talked about how he hopes the search ends with me, and how I’m genuinely the first girl in a long time he could see a future with. We both deleted our dating apps. He also brought up several times how he intends on being my next potential boyfriend, and is glad that we both aren’t seeing anyone else. But then I flew out to see him a couple weeks later. We spent the weekend together, and I lost my virginity to him. He’s the first guy who’s made me feel safe and secure, and I felt I was ready to let someone see that vulnerable side of me, especially because I thought we were both on the same page about what we wanted. We continued to have a really fun weekend, went out and spent time together doing non-sexual things. He proved not only in his words but also his actions that he was serious about this. But as soon as I returned home from my trip, it took a turn and he became distant. Stopped texting as much, stopped the good morning texts. At first I thought maybe it was the sex.. “Is this post nut clarity or something else?” “Did I give it up too fast?”.. I freaked out (which I shouldn’t have), and mentioned how I noticed a shift and that he was being more distant than usual. I asked where he saw this going, and he said he wasn’t sure because the distance made him hesitant, plus he’s moving soon even further away for work. There are also other things out of his control that I am not going to mention here, which could very well be a factor in his decision. Between what had happened over that last weekend and his life circumstances, I wasn’t sure what the truth was about how he felt. We didn’t talk for several days, but recently started talking again. He reached out and said he missed me and wants to come visit me soon. He told me he kinda freaked out about the commitment thing because he just needs time when it comes to that kind of stuff, he said he hates that about himself but he’s working on it. He also started mentioning sex quite a bit more than usual, so right now I feel like he wants to be FWB. He didn’t outrightly state that, but he mentioned wanting to have sex again. We are talking almost every day now, but I’m not sure what to do or think. Of course I want to continue hanging with him as I’m still open to seeing if this could develop into something more, but my emotions are on the line so it’s a little risky. I’m not just a “casual” type of person, and never have been so I’m in a weird spot. I’m open to exclusively having sex with him, but I’m just worried about my feelings for him developing even deeper while his remain the same. I honestly don’t know what to think. I’m just confused how quickly things changed, but I don’t want to mention the future to him as I’m afraid it’s gonna scare him off again. Any advice? He just seemed so serious until he wasn’t and I’m not sure what changed. He still wants to fly back and forth to see each other though which is what’s confusing me, because I don’t think anyone would necessarily do that unless they were somewhat serious about someone.

*TLDR: Guy I’m seeing was very serious about our future until we had sex. Now I’m confused, need advice.*

***Edit:*** He has repeatedly mentioned meeting each others friends, and wants me to fly out to meet his family as well.. so I feel there’s more to this than just the sex.

9 comments

  2. >But then I flew out to see him a couple weeks later. We spent the weekend together, and I lost my virginity to him.

    Did you tell him your virgin status, beforehand? If not, would he have known after having sex with you (eg. he broke your hymen)?

    >so right now I feel like he wants to be FWB. He didn’t outrightly state that, but he mentioned wanting to have sex again.

    Nope, no way is FWB workable imo. I agree with you and would hold out for ‘exclusivity’ gf/bf status, and meanwhile would scale back to dating without sex until that point was reached.

    >he (23M) said he was looking for a serious relationship that would eventually lead to marriage.

    He seems *very* young to have that perspective (and mean it) imo. Maybe you’d gain some insights from meeting his parents. By all means, he should meet your parents.

  3. Possible that he realized that you aren’t the kind of sexual partner that he wants forever and got scared. Doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with what you did, people just have their preferences.

  4. Shit happens. Move on from the jerk. 22 is too young to get married.

    I think you continue to only had sex inside exclusive relationships and look to get married 24 to 27. Men don’t want to marry a virgin anyway.

    Go.live your life and have fun. Dont stay in a fuckzone. You will learn with more experience.

    Young should put career first

  6. Based on everything mentioned in the OP and follow up, I think it’s in a good place atm. It sounds like he likes you. It sounds like he sees real potential in you.

    It also sounds like the dude is scared. I would be scared too if I had divorced and found a new partner with potential. He’s also probably scared because your lives don’t fit together nicely currently. You live in different states. And he has to move and has a child to factor things into the mix with. It’s a lot on his mind.

    I guess what is your goal? I assume it’s to build this relationship. I would say the first person to contact is him. Try saying something like “I really enjoy you. What can I do to support you?” And just checking in to be a supportive person for him and letting him take the lead (with gentle prods if he isn’t moving things forward.)

    I’d definitely see him as often as reasonable.

    I imagine most men enjoy sex. It’s something very enjoyable and many people think builds a bond. If you are comfortable with it, I would suggest helping him on that front as well. Again, only if you’re comfortable.

    In short, this guy seems into you but scared by his past and the distance. Be a safe place for him and let him make things work.

  8. Sorry OP but this is not at all uncommon. Some guys just see you as a target. A challenge. They will say ANYTHING to get into your knickers. You like a group. They like that group. You like certain food. They love that food.

    It worked. You fell for it. Now he’s on to his next victim. You are not the first. You won’t be the last. Good luck. ❤️

  9. Maybe he just wants a fckbuddy for when he flies in, I don’t know the guy but be cautious. People lie, they say whatever they want to use you

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