I just think of the saying “nice guys finish last” and all I can think of are the men who tell me “I’m sweet” “I’m special” and if the same thing happens with women. It is starting to feel like the friend zone language. And like I’m someone men like keeping around to make them feel good but ultimately will never want more with me.
The last guy I had dated and developed feelings for, (made a Reddit post about finding out he was dating someone else and called him on it) has reached back out to me via email. At first to apologize and then the emails kept coming sharing he’s going through a rough time. He shared reaching out because he needed prayer and felt like I was one person who would actually pray.
In any case, he’s reached out several times across the last couple of months, and in some emails began adding details about this woman that he started seeing while dating me. I didn’t ask about it and guessing it was guilt and him feeling he needed to process. He didn’t share much besides like, “she reached out to me and asked to hang out…I never do that but I said yes…I guess I was just lonely…”
At first I tried not to respond to those parts of email and focused on the parts that concerned me about his physical and mental health. But I’d be lying if it didn’t bug me. Some of those words are sticking with me.
I feel like a pushover for even responding even though I’d like to think of myself as someone who would deny praying for someone who’s hurting. But then I feel like protecting myself. He’ll say things like “you’re so special” and then I start to think of things he said when he was obviously moving on.
So this is my long winded way of wondering what men think when they say that type of thing – is it a friend zone thing where he sees me as caring and kind but not the same as someone who would come over in the middle of the night (a boundary I had). Do men view women like me as pushovers?
I don’t know if there’s an answer that’ll help but I guess I’m letting myself feel the feels right now and so I feel like a fool a bit for being so responsive. I think a part missed talking to him. But this isn’t really connection. It doesn’t feel balanced.
14 comments
I whole-heartedly believe that someone will only respect you as much as you demand from them. If you let someone take advantage of you, they will. If you let someone lie to you, they will. I think this is true for relationships, friendships, business, casual, and everything in between, and it is true for both men and women
I have been that person for someone else and I don’t know that you need to give it a name but you have to think about what you’re really getting out of the relationship.
My person would consistently tell me that I was awesome and he wished we could be together . . . but of course, we can’t because of this reason or that reason, and instead could I please listen to all of his life stuff? Like a free therapist?
A Brene Brown book gave me a good metaphor for relationships. Think of the people in your life as jars. Whenever they do something good and positive and affirming to you, put in a pebble. Whenever they’re hurtful or careless, take out a pebble. At the end of the week (month, year, etc) you should still have pebbles in that jar. Meaning that the people you decide to devote time and energy to should also bring something positive into your life. People can make mistakes and have selfish times, but for the most part, there should be some positive things left behind.
Using this metaphor has helped me cut some relationships out that weren’t bringing anything positive into my life. It sounds like you might be there with this relationship.
You can pray for someone if you want to, but also not engage with them. If someone is taking advantage of you then cut them out of your life. Preserve your sweet nature for those who deserve it and will reciprocate.
You are correct, this doesn’t seem like a connection cause it isn’t. Men will use women for emotional labor (and vice versa) and the best thing to do is to recognize this behavior and create boundaries. Just because someone reaches out to you doesn’t mean you have to respond. He seems lonely and in need of a friend, but that isn’t your responsibility to fill that need of his if it doesn’t work with what you need.
You have no boundaries. I once had an ex reach out to me saying he wanted us to “be able to wave at each other in passing” after having cheated on me years earlier. I felt really distraught by his message and asked my very healthy coworker what she would say in the same situation. She literally waved her hand and said “nope, too much drama, I’d ignore it and move on.”
I don’t know if people like this dude of yours run around pinging everyone in their black book or just the people they recognize as having no – to – low boundaries [my experience is they ping everyone but not everyone responds, just no to low boundary people] but either way it’s the responding AND keeping yourself stuck in a miserable situation that’s the issue.
My general demeanor for a while has been a no response to people who ping me and want free therapy, to talk about their ex girlfriend or to ask me to diagnose their dating issues. A kinder way to remove yourself, “hey sorry you’re going through that, it must be rough, maybe consider therapy or reaching out to someone close to you. I hope you figure _______ out! Take care.” That works on anyone with an ounce of self awareness.
Everyone gets these people who circle back for validation or to try to use you as a free therapist. You didn’t do anything to cause that to happen and it’s unlikely that this guy “friend zoned” you because you were too nice (he probably had no intention of dating you either way), but you chose to accept the scraps he’s offering when you engaged with it. Opt out. That’s not friendship, and he can talk to someone he didn’t reject romantically if he needs to.
Ugh. If someone’s gonna use you as their personal therapist, you should at least bill them for it.
If a man wants to be friends with you and not date you, you’ll know and that boundary won’t get grey enough that you’re ever doubting.
This is simply a man that wants to fuck you when other shit falls through but doesn’t consider you to have potential as a real partner. Value yourself and move on.
I think you need to say “I’m going to pray for you, now stop emailing me. For real.”
I honestly feel like you’ve answered your own question, except I’d say rather than “men” think of it as “manipulative people.” Manipulative/lazy people (and most people exist on a spectrum of manipulation, but these people are higher) are drawn to pushovers because they instinctually sense they can sway you with just words. And words are calorie-free, low-energy effort.
I also think it’s worth not thinking of this as “men specific” bc you seem like the type of person who would have one of those high-energy girl-girl friendships that swings from “I’d die for you” to “we’re not talking because she forgot my birthday” within the space of a month. Maybe you’re not that type but it’s the same concept where you allow people to walk all over you because they say beautiful things. That they might really mean, but they’re messy AF.
If he keeps emailing you, stop reading it, just respond “praying for you” or something. Just give 0 energy.
I read a bit of pop psychology that said people like you better when *they* can do favors for *you*, when you would think it would be the reverse. People like you better when they can do things for you! That was kind of a revelation to me and it does make me more likely to accept help or favors from people I am seeing.
As for you, you say you had one boundary but it sounds like you need stronger ones. Why are you chatting with this person if you don’t want to and they only want things from you? Relationship, whether friend or otherwise, need reciprocity.
There is also a danger that if you are too accommodating people don’t feel like they actually *know* you, because you are always accommodating them.
Every successful marriage I’ve seen is basically a friendzone + Physical attraction. Instead of running from all the things you *think* will get you friend zoned, I would just start investing that same energy into someone who ALSO finds you incredibly sexy.
You’ve had the right realization about investing into this guy who has no real intention of treating you well and just wants a dumpster for his emotional baggage because he fears intimacy from his new girlfriend (or fears her reaction to it). It’s a dead end for you, emotionally.
One thing I’ve learned in relationships (romantic and platonic) is that the people who hurt us aren’t usually doing it deliberately.
Usually they’re just too wrapped up in their own pain and their own unmet needs to really consider how their behavior effects the people around them.
People like that will turn to you for support, even when giving that support puts you in a bad spot. It’s not necessarily that they’ve friend zoned you, or that they don’t respect you, or whatever. It’s that they have the emotional intelligence of room temperature tapioca, and as long as you allow them into your life, they’re not going to reflect about whether or not that’s fair to you.
Frankly, I think you’re good if you just mark his email as spam like other commenters have suggested. It sounds like he only reaches out every few months, so it’s not like you’re in regular contact. And according to your comments, his family is the supportive type, so he has a support network already.
If you don’t want to cut him off cold, you can always send a simple response next time:
“Hey [Name], while I sincerely wish you all the best, as a woman you’ve previously dated, I’m not in a position to support you with processing your love life or your feelings for other women. For my own sake, I need to move on and stop engaging in this conversation. I hope you can understand. Take care and be well.”
*Then* mark his email as spam.
i dont know is the short answer, but particularly insulting if you want more and they know you want more.
the long answer is yes some people do want a free therapist, i used to be on the receiving end of that all the time, i would conflate emotional intimacy with physical progress towards dating, because she is sitting on my couch staring deep into my eyes how can this not be a date?! And of course i liked being needed. But these women just wanted my “boyfriend energy” you know without having to take their clothes off. It ended badly more than once
its nice he apologized, and sure humans need to vent its a natural process. Buttttt let’s do an experiment if you like? Say “whatever bro your problems are boring, and you are a big whiner, but i know how to cheer you up, maybe we could have sex ”
if he says “oh i dont want to have sex” then you can say “then why you telling me your sob story you fuckin dummy!” And if he does want to have sex, well cool thats a good thing, then you can listen to his whiny problems as a date not a therapist
I think you are exhibiting weak boundaries in the situation in particular.
You have to remember: if you allow people to take advantage of you they will.
**Most** people will overstep boundaries. Even so-called, self-proclaimed “good” people. Unfortunately it is human nature. It’s almost as if they cannot help themselves. As people are inherently self interested. And when given the option to do the right thing by another person, or take advantage of the situation to benefit themselves, most people will do the latter.
Alot of people are manipulative in this way. Which is why you must remain vigilant about your boundaries. And you must enforce them without mercy.
I get it. You like(d) him. He chose someone else. You still consider yourself a good person. So you’re still trying to be decent to him.
However, a good rule of thumb for me is, if a person/situation/deal etc is not meeting your needs, there is no reason for you to meet theirs either. Period.
Stop moving with integrity with people who exhibit none. This was a lesson I had to learn the hard way. As I always strive interact with other people from a place integrity and respect. And I assumed others did as well.
And life taught me that they are mostly acting in their own best interest. And so I always keep that in mind when engaging with them and no longer feel the need to extend them excess amounts of regard or respect. Unless they earn it.